i'm scared to let you hold my hand
because i'm afraid my fingers will miss
the warmth of yours once you leave

i'm scared to kiss you
because i don't want my lips
to only remember the taste of yours

i'm scared to look you in the eyes
because i get lost
and i don't want to lose myself

- *CPM

My mind was on holiday
It couldn't quite take me far enough away
To escape your moral decay
I was always lured with bait
It took a decade to turn to hate
I'm sorry I left the party
I gazed into your eyes and saw tomorrow  
Only time will tell
If I broke the spell
It's not easy to leave you
In your rendition of hell

2016, how are you?
You finished yours.
A huge thank for you,
to bring me to many places,
that 2015 did not allow.

2016, are you satisfied?
For all the abundant blessings.
A healthy family,
a bunch of kind friends,
and especially that one little angel.

2016, have you told 2017?
To make me a stronger man,
a committed person,
a discipline figure,
and a traveler.

2016, have you forgiven me?
For being weak.
For being fractious.
For being an unthankful person.

2017, are you ready to shape me?
because I am ready to be shaped.

I did it alone…
When I got my first heart break last November of 2014, I went through it alone….
At home.
I fell to my knees in the shower crying my eyes out going through a break up & at the same time I felt as if I was shot in the heart by a gun, my heart didnt shatter, it just bled out empty as if there was a bullet hole.
I tried to fix it with a bandage, hoping it can cover up that bullet hole.
It did but it just made my heart feel so heavy that I needed to get blood out.
But I decided to bleed a different way out…
Razors slided across my skin,
Not my wrist, but on my thighs.
I didnt want anyone worrying at home because I didnt want to keep them alert that I was depressed and was really hurting having them see my cuts and think I was suicidal.
Im not suicidal, I just wanted to different way to get rid of the pain without taking off the bandage off my heart that was keeping my heart alive.
I walked during the day feeling dead inside and feeling the burning on my thighs.
Walking around with a fake smile to show I was “fine”
I sure fooled everyone
Late nights are the worst though
when everyone is asleep & im in the dark getting my emotions built up and my heart feeling heavy again….
Tears down my cheeks, trying to catch my breath.
So many memories flashing through my head.
They won’t stop, they never will.
I lose a lot of sleep at night but get sleep during the day if I can.
Sometimes I just wanted to sleep FOREVER because I was going through it alone….
At Home…
Sure iv had friends text me & some took me out when I asked them to help me get out of the house, but I still went through it Alone….
At Home.
1 YEAR LATER
Im still going through it alone…
At home..
BUT doing better.
Im still depressed but less than before.
Razor blades are no longer slicing my skin,
my scars & cuts have faded.
Some still visible while others are gone.
I still cover myself because I don’t wanna get questioned about them.
I usually distract myself with music, drawing & texting my friends.
The sleeping routine has become a habit…

A MONTH LATER on the night of my 20th birthday I hung with my friends making me happy and forgetting about the past. When I went home my small family planned a birthday party with just us 5, before the party started they let me sleep a few hours. Those were my last ZZZs I caught during the day because the day after my birthday I woke up early on my own & was awake all day feeling good :) and since my 20th birthday… NO more overthinking or being unable to sleep and staying awake during the day feeling good :) I DID IT ALONE im not 100% out of my depression BUT im almost out :) I GOT THIS!  -J.Pantoja