Insane austere hallucination

The last day of year is once again here
And it feels like someone is dying
I should celebrate perhaps
and I am.
I should and So I will!

The feeling of uncomfortable happiness is creeping from above my toes to my head and beyond
to high and infinity
-The giant hairy creepy happiness.
Death is not usually celebrated
but some are exception
and party is totally not optional.

Just like in Ghodejatra the death of Tundi is still celebrated.
oh poor demon!
Just like in bisket jatra the death of two big big giant snakes out of queen's nose is celebrated
What a auspicious occasion to celebrate
And so will I.
I should so I will!
The end of another year won't be same anymore.

I must feel lucky
for what faith has endowed on me.
I must so I will.
And as I witness the clouds covering the corpse of late year I cry with extreme pleasure
Sorrowful.But the sorrow isn't supposed to be mournful.
Because its death of what should have never breath.


I never needed dose of Mushroom or LSD or whatever the fancy name the drugs is called by.
I always lived somewhere else.
I was always dead at the moment.
And I always felt like I was living my death
May be in hell.
So I must have been bad when I actually lived.
I cant forge any other logic from what I learnt in this world.
My birth was hallucination.
I am in trip since then
and the world is going round round round.
I can feel at the speed of 465 meter per second.
Its a derived scientific data.

May be tomorrow is new day of new year.
But it will be just another year of hangover.

Hang on new year!

Strangers' Privilege


Feel bad for the silence?
the privilege of being strangers?
We couldn't make it.

When I stare at the infinity,
there is only one thing I see.
And it occupies me,
The more I stare,
its turbulence  turns me up down
inside out.

not once not twice.

Carelessly you whisper
lullabies in my eyes
Slowly I lose control leaving the hell outside
You crawl right out of me
Straight into my arms
Straight into my dreams


Not once. Not twice.

I question my sanity.
my morality and your beauty
There is How.
Then follows how long and why.

Look down at me.
look inside you.
I couldn't pull you in.
You cannot force me out.

Don't we enjoy the privilege of being strangers?

I do not wish to complicate it with more words
I cannot put it properly in words
So, if you want to know or feel, then read my silence
feel my eyes which tries so hard to hide
and hold my hands to feel my heart.
When you feel , then you know;
The feeling is simple, ---------------- I miss you
More than the dry lake misses the drops of water
The mountains that took pride on crowns of snow
- Now which stand barren and brown
I miss you
like flooded desert misses the dust
like barren land longing once more for green
like blue sky waiting for stars
like dark night waiting for sun
Without you, no place is right and nothing is okay
Like the autumn season regretting for leaves it has shed
I miss you and you know the feeling is really simple
You are like spring and the summer of the west
I miss you for nobody shook me so hard with the touch
Nobody could stir my heart ever with so much love
if you can feel, the distance should not matter.
Interest will make no difference
I miss you and that is all.
I love you and that is why.
That is why I keep scratching the cuts you leave, every time you cross my mind.

so,
I was scribbling through my diary
as every other times.
As usual, just killing time.
Outside,
The rain sounded rude
The thunder sparked cruel
I didn't like both.
And the thing about night,
its not darkness.
I was already so blinded
by daylight
with you around. for you.
And my scribbles hardly made sense too.
I just wanted to act normal.
just wanted to act I could see.
Never knowing,
was it day or night anymore.
May be , scribbles can find sense
if you could see them.
or if I could get them to you.

I like stars.
They struggle.
I like how they wait whole day
just so they can shine at night, when its dark.
Only at night
and **** those clouds.

Happy-
Many of us want to be.
But like moon, only few
get chance to shine
So Bright- although
Inherently with no light.

But stars-
I am one of them,
I suppose
Trying to;
Struggling to be happy;
To dispose our light.
and yet,...
I hate clouds.
they are not fluffy or anything.

And there are millions of stars
who falls in love with moon
baffled by its artificial light.
Just like me.
And, we are happy-
sort of.

We imagine things with Moon.

My poems are painful to me
The words I collect are
embers of her memories
She burnt me like
wildfire of Chaitra
I liked the fire better
The embers, not really.
Just this poem.

(So Ya
Thought Ya
Might like to Go to the Show)


When night glows with smiles
The youngs looks up to old
And we bow down and we clap
and we dance, tears sneak down
And the clouds are all drained
The sun could never be gone.
Seasons change, dreams are forgotten
The band was the sun.
Such warmth only with their rays.

The crowd revived the town
Closer we are more than ever now
The sound smoked with lights
The band was twinkling somewhere out
Sleepy eyes in my head
I was there and somewhere
I could feel me in sweat
I was marching high and
could hear chanting of Om.

I wish I could
talk with birds
I wished I could
Talk with humans

Failing in love
is overrated;
over-hyped.
I write
Not because I am sad
Not because I failed
I wish to settle
my poisons.
I know my demons
better now.
I fell for no angel
Which I fantasized as a teen.
You are the black curves
of smokes from cigarette.
I try to inhale much of you
And you tease me more.

And after writing
all these
time
All I remember
is just two words
-Try Again.

I can ****
any woman I want
I will love you but
**** her
I will curse you and
**** another
I will hold onto you
and Play with some other ****.
I did not fail you
I just loved you.

All this time
My demons tried
to find halo
behind your horns
And secretly I Whisper
"Witch like she is all I need "

Do not Giggle at me.
For I write.
My demons,
They are so  over sympathised.

I named you moon
And Stars , Also Flowers
I named you with everything I could
Touch, Hear, See and Feel

Night after Night
The moon is wanning out
Like the splendour you once had

Day after Day the snow is covers the green
Yellow,Red and colors of life
its cold in your absence

But it just gets warmer
the eternal flame you ignited
with every smiles crossing my mind

Around Mayadevi Temple (Circa)
Surrounded by pillars of our age
Cultivated with reminiscence of a
graceful child and his mother
Smiling ruins reflecting the history
A child of destiny who stepped in
with his seven birth steps over lotus
A tribute from Ashoka,
Cylindrical pillar inscribing his regards,
To the one who chose world enlightenment
over easy royal luxury,
To the one who turned him knight of peace
from emperor of wars.
No Shoes Allowed Inside
Leave your turbulence and rush out the gate
The chanting of mantras will cool down your hot head
The cameras of tourist will bring smiles to face
And at reflection on sacred pool,
Where Mother Mayadevi shed down her motherly sorrows
Over the transformation of Beloved Prince to Holy Buddha,
Let you find the lost purpose in ripples of calmness
The place where Sidhhartha played as child
and grew up to be Light of Asia
Nurture again the true purpose as for being Human
For Peace , For harmony, For Love
As you nap under revitalizing shades of Peepal trees
Inhale today, the air that whistles your resolves
Inside garden of peace, Around Mayadevi Temple

As I pedalled around the Garden of Peace
I could not deceive me anymore
....I just wanted to feel alone in crowds
I was never alone all this time
I am man of impossible desires
I am man of star shaped fires
I realized I am better not alone
Strolling along the bicycle I rented
As I reached temple of Mayadevi
and I realized its not peace I sought
All this time, I wanted to run from crowds
So full of admiration and esteem
Not for Peace, but from their love
I cannot repent the love I have forsaken
...And in the garden of peace,
I suffered from turmoil of love

Lifeless inside of me,
the light peeks, spring up
Do not hold despair on
finding little mud in island of gold
Hear the echoes you inscribed
from the top of the hill
,you named success

Life up.
Taste the mud sometimes
In mud get nourished new seeds
Say hello to your friends
Do not be surpriser if they
offer you their clean handkerchief
they are friends, that explains

Run with denial for things that
do not belong to you
Run with spirits from place where
you don't belong
you are born to live and
show how its lived!
Life up!

To lovers Who could just love


To you, full of love
Your heart might not be the warmest of all
And your heart may not have purest of love
But you loved with what you own
And not being enough, you may have bought some more

And to you, with heart that could only love
Be not feel lost in inexpressible or unattainable
For you have done with your heart
What it can do the best
Be it moon or with stars you never missed one name

For heart left forlorn, never feel alone
for every stars that falls the night you stare at sky
Someone on knees just rose up from lost memories
be it the rivers that run alone
or the butterflies that dies in heaven
they have once been the heart lost on love

the pine trees staring at its love
loses it love with as its fruit falls
the lamp oiled with love, cannot burn forever
forever might be too long for everyone
but the heart who loved
and could only love ...
such is the beauty you hold
like lost ghost in the town of humans
Such is your fate for noone can choose what you own
the heart that could only love

In darkness, you prevail

Tripsy illusions caress sweet lies
Fondled by night, smile my eyes
Cannot beg you more than a touch
The gravity of moon is not enough
How shall I fly, How do I rise
Ghostly allusions feeds me surprise
Crippling occasions haunts me
Why shan't it, tranquil havoc thee
With your incomplete memories
Anxiety hovers over my skies
As dark gets thicker by every moment
cover me warm, another longing thus spent


sun shines beyond the cloud
at night its different story though

जीवन- जसरी म सोच्ने गर्दछु
म आफू मात्र समेतिन्छु।
ऐक्लै एकान्तमा रमाउदछु।
साच्दछु माया केवल आफ्नो
,आफ्नै निम्ति ।
अनि मित्रता गास्न म आफै भित्र
गुहार्छु आफैलाई
जीवन - जसरी म बाच्न चहान्छु
म मौनतामा संवाद गर्न चहान्छु
मग्न भइ तारा र जुनमा भुल्न चहान्छु
म यसरी हराउँदछु, म छु म मात्र।

तिमी कसरी फूल्यौ ? कहाँबाट-
लाली छर्दै उदायौ?
आफू भित्र रमाउँदा रमाउदै
तिमी भित्र हराए॥
म बाच्न किन तिमी खोच्न थाले?

Devoid of further desires
We melted together and
in spirals we connected
swirling swiftly up and above
getting connected with what we always
sought for - heaven as being said
we stirred each other with
love and with flavour of vacuum
we mixed, we blended
we turned to stardust slowly
with every passing seconds
I held you; you held me. tighter!
It was a moment for-ever
We - still smile when we
recall our first kiss
Everything ended there
And everything began.
Do you remember how 'it' began?

I waft through solids
I cling to the non existent
I creak and croak as I rotate
I beep as I sling
I am running straight in spirals
Nothing is ever same
But I am. I am same with all the noises
The noise of valley, and misty entropy
Here,carried along with dusty nebula
Nothing ever seems same. But I am.
I exist forever same with incoherent drift.

I was so sure of she being Jasmine.
Whereas in her soul, she was a dandelion.
And today I sit here watching, her flight.
And today I sit here inspired, by her flight

The lady dandelion on the flight,
flying across the oceans and height
granting wishes with warmth and grace
was I just a fool trying to hold to her pace?

तेज सडकमा कुदिरहेको छु
यत्रतत्र छरप्रस्त लासहरु छरिएको म देख्छु
यहाँ कुकुरहरु मरिरहेका छन्

कुकुरको लासको के मोल?
तिमी सोधौला मलाई
मलाई नसोध, समय बिती रहेछ
मोल गरिहाल,लासको लिलामी चलिरहेछ
यहाँ कुकुरहरु मरिरहेका छन्

दाहसंस्कारको संस्कार छोड अब
कुहिएको लासकै भाउ बढिरहेछ
त्यो दुर्गन्धले व्यापार फस्टाइरहेछ
भुक्नेको खर्च जोगिरहेछ
जता ततै लास बिकीरहेको छ यहाँ
यहाँ कुकुर हरु मरिरहेका छन्

घाँसको कुरा नगर तिमी
भोलीको लागि नकुर तिमी
अरे! भेडा पनि मास मै रमाइरहेका छन्
यहाँ कुकुरहरु मरिरहेका छन्

सासलाई लासलाई घेरिरहेछ
यो चिहानमा जिन्दगी मेटिदैछ
न यहाँ कोहि जिउदोँ छ
न कोहि यहाँ बाचिरहेछ
केवल लास छ, लासै लास छ
यहाँ कुकुरहरु मरिरहेका छन्

यो चिहान रमाइलो छ
मरणमा नै जीवन रमाइरहेछ

And she started drifting slowly
away, as my hands slipped
and among the city of solitude
I stood estranged one more time
Only silence could save me
Only darkness was needed to heal me
there I stood like dusted statue
Still breathing, sometime gasping
lips sealed and eyes closed
My left palm over my eyes
Over irregular wet contours of my face

Things could get worse
Had I desired anything more
it was just love
it was only love
all I did was lose my heart

it was just love
and love it all was.

Amidst the flying colors , I absorb some red, yellow and blue
I mix them to create new art form on the walls surrounding me
I create happiness, I paint brightness
Its dark but I can still feel the light
You may say I am blind, but I still have memories
I circle around, I jump with joy
I hit my head and break my bones
Walls. Walls. Walls. I try to break them.
and finally when I finally crack them
I am all red and the yellow peeks inside
There I see now, all blue around
I forget them all as the times run
So consumed with the colors of the world
And then the memories slowing creeps
as the light dims
And brings dark to me again.

Her absence is my poetry

Was it fun to dip you fingers in my pain

Pretty face with hideous intention
Warm smile with razor sharp officiation
Gifts wrapped with high pressure conation
Enough could never mean Enough
Drag me slowly to your cave of hedonism
Ring me with jingle bells
**** me with television tales
Quench you hollowness
Fry my ignorance and feed your emptiness
Your dripping desires of spicy pleasures
You drag me for a hand to hold
You carry me in my time of gold
and you surely know when to run

well well
I was never late to know the time to curb

When was the last time we were friends
Truth began when friends outspaced

A mystery of webs entangling my consciousness
It makes me loooook weird on mirror
As I stare at the glare shining under thy heaven
What possibly could make the mystery
Where in my heart did you reap what you have sown
you... shone someday. says my memory
now you just twinkle;
how so far? why so far?

You flash like light
Your diamonds shine
But what else can make you- smile
Your tears are slow
And your laughter blow
Like sands in the storm
You love crowd of crows
You forgot to talk slow
What else seems to please you more
Thinking I should bring you flowers
Thinking If you would love in plastic
What have you become, my love
Distant feather scripting your old name
brings me back home.

Flames eat you. Flames warm me.
Your diamonds left just ashes for me.
Can you still bring me back home?

Since the day we met, I am struck and stung
From that day, my inside is singing this song
All I want to do is see you and hold you
I want to tell you, I think I love you

When you come near my sight
My senses pop out and I lose my mind
I want to hold your hand and make you smile
I want to talk with you and walk a million mile

When you look at me and you touch me, I get butterflies
Your words fill the empty space where my heart lies
This heart has been crushed and cut with knife
Your voice, so sweet to me, bring it back to life

I was smashed; my feelings were burned down to ashes
Frustration gulped me and I got serious depression cases
I was lost for very long hours of years
Scared, taunted and hollowed with fears

Now I can see the spark in your eyes
I have fallen for you, and it’s no lies
My blur life has changed to a beautiful bokeh
I want to confess I love you......................

I was struggling on my bed yester-night
I was struggling to catch my train to sleep
Trying to make my way through the crowds of reality
I was tired, I felt weak but couldn't still sleep
I had already missed twice, the train
I had reached the station but
I couldn't close my eyes
my ticket to dream was invalid without that
i couldn't board my train to sleep


What is happening!
check check check check
I checked everything
Bed .... check
Cushion .... check
Pillow .... check
blanket .... ummm
too hot
kick away blanket ... check

mosquio net.... check

Anything else????? Check
lights off.. loadshedding... check


I asked with  gatekeeper of dreams
What now? Let me pass


"you miss her"
"text her" easily said the train master
and the gatekeeper of dreams


"Come on..." i resisted


I turned right
I turned left
Turning and turning
Trying to search a loophole to train
I kicked my legs to the cieiling
left one adn imagined of bruce lee
then i cycled both legs
i cursed my day, the boring day it was
with no work to do and no interest as well
I thought about drinking... to numb my restlessness
May be I could do some smoking... to **** my distress
it was already 1AM of the morning
but all i did you just turn sideways
Train master grinned "No Ways"
My eyes were red and bulging
My heart was on fire and burning
My mind wandered from everything to nothing
I was suffocating
I was gasping
panting and
tearing my senses apart
just trying to hack the way to train
but the gatekeep of dreams was not ready to open the chain


I.......gave up
grabbed ny Nokia 3110 classic model
I.............
texted her


i texted her"i am scared to talk with you"


she replied"I am afraid of your poems"


I said"I don't know what to say"


The gate opened, the chain fell down
I boarded  for my train to sleep
I was happy
I texted her
She replied
I could breathe again
I was smiling when I woke up

My strained eyes refuses the sleep
Today, I remember people saying
"You are such a bad bad sleeper"
and Today, I can feel
How bad bad sleeper I have become
Reflection. That is what keeps me awake

How terribly we smiled
How terribly we fell in love
How terribly it all passed away
and still. How terribly it lingers.

Still photographs cannot hide the chaos
-the turbulence which I should be hiding
the world can see in those eyes and the strained smile!
Reflection. or its probably just me-
Over thinking. but i am sure it was love

I am sure I can love. I did love.
I made many mistakes but love;
but love, my love, its the sweetest
and i ruined my love for her love
because my love alone.
it was intolerable.

Not the eyes that would blink anymore
But see as the image shuffles across them
Wide open drips red as you stare
Things you desire to learn crawls beneath

Wouldn't it be nice to drop few tears
the moment of pleasure would grow so near

Watch the tension as he ties the world
Decaying world that has fallen apart
Fluttering hands embracing two dead souls
Wrecked pieces sprinkling upon his brow

Wouldn't it be nice to buy new dreams
Happy wouldn't look ragged anymore

As you pry, diamond turn to coal
Can you care enough even to know
As jigsaw flies away from place
deafening words sings of new found love

Hit him with frisson of new found love
What got him lost; which never he found

what is that you make me feel
you rip me apart and fix me
with same words and voice
with silence and with time
and sometimes I think
is it the peace of afterlife
or just chaos imposed by your ways
you are the sculpture of goddess
that I was taught to worship
and why there demons on your breath
why is that I found you
what was there in losing me
what is in the love you blame
if you find pleasure in surrounding me
why didn't you just hold my hand
what is that you feel of me

you give me pain of repentance upon ***** fragrance
and why do I smile when you speak inside
You took me and my darkness
is it just to fill me with new

why did I find you
when did I lose me
what is that you gave me
why are you paradox to me
sandwiched I am in between
is it just one final desire to hold you
is it the eternal flame of search
what is that you make me feel
a radical transformation
or am I just lost within

Baby,
May be you are the only one
I can dream of
or May be its you I choose.

In my dreams.
'I' am real
'You' are real. 'We' too, sometimes.

As you slowly dwindle
Reality ***** me. hardships.
I hear them saying
you. are my greatest mistake
if so, i say to myself,
i would repeat it till forever.

my destiny takes pride on you
my greatest mistake.
And I still go back to times
we made mistakes together.
to cherish forever. estranged.

Well!
Dreams are made in heaven, just saying.
So are far from reality.

At times like this
When I slowly vanish
within me, from me
I feel her love and -
our love, (our)

Her voice, such dope.
The song she sang
when I first met her.

Not long after that
I approved all the cliches of love
in my own way, and took pride
on my new found zeal.
How sweet! (how sweet)

And in the blink of eye.
"Blink" like blink of eye!
The world which I forgot
Never turned back, but
I had to return back.

Thank you lady.
You left me words to write.

the dust bloomed amidst the green
the shadow rose and parted from me
and me, i stared inside
i was hallow all in between..
i was not me for what I mean
i was only puppet to be..
...-"no turning back" was the decree
a gush of suction from my queen
with love and affection
set me free . OM!

Feelings are easy thing to deal
Remember when the young sun shone
the luster which it possessed, bright charming gentleman
scramble your memory and open your eyes to mirror
gone. like speck of gold dust.
Feelings are easy thing to deal
hard is not to feel.
when the old guy sam asked
"when was the last time we kicked some *****."
scratch your head to find no blood to spill.

CLOSE YOUR EYES
Take a deep breath in.
HOOOLDD!
Breath out!
Declaration:feelings are dead.only memory lived!

Act Anonymous
Put on the mask of your true self
Jump of the window and-
Talk with strangers

The true color of humanity is shining-
under the rags of the dumping site
where the dogs of the heaven made are-
mating . the cycle must - go on!

Needless to say,
the mask-
is the true identity

The star dust nebula swirling around
under every passing wheels
gives me chills under my anonymity

Still under the watch of divine intervention

and under the subject of my free will
"Please god close your eyes"

on the ride
i meet strangers with smile and
humans who don't care
there are turns of wormholes
and strong pull of black holes
the star dust nebula strikes again but-
its just a ride.

take a break now. the red signal means it.

-
-
* Break time Story*
Here is story I wanna tell . Just to keep you occupied.
I once met me on the turning of time travel.
I was horrible human because I defamed love for god
and few centuries ago, I was celebrated engineer
I happened to create the god. that was it. its a ride.
-
-
-

honk the horns mr. my man! start your engine, kindly.
Move on forth.
I have strangers to meet because they are with smiles.
Smiles.

Soft breezes of clean melancholy
Pumped out with constant velocity
Its striking again, and colder she is

He awaits the lubrication
to ease down the ongoing friction
Bearings creaks and pushes off balance
And The fan rotates forever of today

The growing ebbs of falling tides
Now buries deep inside the highest cliff
The soft breeze ***** in with higher velocity,
subsidized adiathermic smiles react
Smells of heated tissue everywhere

And the fan rotates forever
Tiring job of being a healer
when you are damaged from forever
Clasping the final breath
The fan rotates forever of today

Dripping water from faucet of heaven
pierced down the sky of my realm.
Last dream.
The sound went tip tip for two seconds and rimose creeped on my poise.
A fakir without head told me on my abrupt attention
"Find the sun,my son."

Old ragged converse from the stinky corners slipped out and hesitantly told
"You can't walk with me. You selfish rant"

The path was smooth to bore the hell out of me
From dawn to dusk I was among the rainfall of misty fumes
Slowly I vapoured too.I was informed
By voice unsung
"The sun shines only behind the clouds"
The dripping memories from faucet of heaven creaked inside me
I sublimed in absence of myself and words came out "what for?"

The  yellow ball of hot moraine bulbed out. The sun- it said, "What for"

The fakir without head spoke " the night is done"

An abuser in eye painting songs of love
so sharp with disguise
Unrealized mystery of hypocrisy
burns dead skin of my heart
trip down already, isn't late to realize yet?
oh right! you... all smiles!

i loaned few quotes from bank today
a huge interest and whole heap of silence
the loudspeaker also broke down today
see, you, my hunny bunny sweet apple pie
what a pleasant day for my ears
and you.... alll smiles

caress me some like you love the fur
wasn't you who said "life's ours to live when alive"
i dont get it , which is why i hate you now
life is only act of dead people feeling alive
but yeah right.... all smiles

my sweetheart, please die!

Hey there!
Love of my life, my pumpkin pie
sweetheart, kneeling down
here i surrender to you
apple of my eye!

you do not need to justify your anger
no need to clear any of my doubts
stupid i am, i understand nothing
were we even supposed to meet
tell me you, ain't i some idiot you met?

talk to me, why wont you?
remember those times, you always talked back ;without reasons
can't reasons hold you anymore?
oh! right , you got brains too!

are you ******* possible?
don't pout and be a emotional blackmailer now
i least care about you, my baby
i am so sick of your swinging desires

why did i ever fall in love with you
i got my donkey brains too

(epilogue)
Sunday lady, shine you as bright sunshine
I shiver when you stop to smile
Was for this we held our arms?
And why love we loved each other
so dear; why not anymore

Inter-wreath souls communicating in silence
Despairing distance just making it more intense
Slow dancing fumes of proximal hazy memory
Flashing lights of the destined future glimmery

Fateful rendezvous of unprepared agitation
Acquiesced drift along the preordained creation
Out of the blue we fell in love,now suffocatingly confined
And why love, the grey shade concealations so refined

With silence, we endowed recentful persuasion  
With lectures, we plundered for destined evasion
My love, we lived love for life sustained both
Now we travel opposites as we found loathe

So long, what we came together for
So long, to our ever enjoyed rapture

The horizon deemed to turn black from blue pleaded with its faith by disposing all its secret in orange hue and cry. Aghast by the spectacle, I felt very discomforting breeze trying to peek inside me. Should I let it?
No! i felt involuntary resistance build inside me.The stare of the imploring horizon filled my sentiments with gush of paranoia. I closed my eyes, right then and there. As I opened my eyes slowly after saturation of my daunting breath, I was surrounded by black despair. And the moon still shined with its borrowed light just to display its caged dark hare. There were no stars that day, I  pulled them down to makes uncountable amount of wishes.

What faith decreed for horizon have been my own reflection.

Leftovers, scattered as grieving memories
Tragedy of to-be-happily-ever-after ending
When trying to hold what was once dear
The sensation now burns with apathetic melancholy

Shall I wait for you, or will you see me go
May I hold your hand, or you wish to let me fall
How long will you possess me with dichotomy
How far shall I long for the consummate singularity

Quest now halts with contemplation and questions
Blazing ardor now freezes cold with paucity of purpose
Open eyes dreams on the heat ; And what exactly is love
Trembling tears of midnight weep; And what exactly is hope

tick tock tick tock
the night ticks in its own pace
my eyes blinks in synchronization
seconds run, minutes walk and hours passes by
"tick tick tock tock " the clock now changes sound
and my eyes, i notice , are open wide!

कति मिठो अज्ञान हलचल
मन रुमलिएको कुत्कुत चन्चल
जिज्ञासु नयनका वेग्र कम्पन
तर भेतिन कतै येसलाई निस्चल

के हो यो तुफान प्रस्नको
के छ कतै मुहान उत्तरको
अज्ञानतामा रमाउने म कस्तो प्राणी
जानिन फगत भौतरिनु सिवायी

Upon the winter melancholy
Shimmers effervescent sparkles
of blue dew drops edging on grass
the sun is here. so long again

my hazy eyes had a glow, subtle
A deep inrush of woeful air
polluting my blood reached my heart
The sun once shined, so long!

the beep sounds from distant slowly fades inside my head
the box quivering with agitation gives more sound of beeps
something i never felt before hits me hard, inane race stirs up
I-
stand back, not knowing when the senses left and came back

Thrills - run wild over ups and downs of not so lovely brains
the beeps buzz around like the never end ceasing sound of 'OM'
something I never desired for me, mockingly banters around
I-
stand back, not wanting to feel the same air again and the heat

What new it possibly could fill me with when everything around is ragged and rusted;
When there is no paint to color them and there is no scrubs to clean.

What can I possibly speak on my behalf, there is nothing more I have left for explanation. Like some dementia, I circle around my own periphery to find out what could I have left behind and end up questioning all the things which were there with tags of well-accepted meanings. The meanings now slowly rises up like smokes from the chimney of the distant brick factory. It suffocates me already! yet the distance so far and it will never reach me. And I pick out my pen and start giving every subjects and objects disposed in me with the marks of asterisk. Now then, I go for the corner which I can't find anywhere because I am already floating in the space of nowhere land like a nowhere man. Just plain agitating suffocation is the feel you get in nowhere land. Blood ***** up all my stored energy to rush and cover a distance of less than one hand from heart to my brain. It fountains out through my eyes. But no reds!!! Just blue!



Let me  clear some space from the middle of everything and give a big asterisk with a big question mark '?' on its side.

The last (for today) beep sound bring me back to my senses. The message from the other corner of telecom network doesn't seem to make everything alright but I seem to collect my own image on this world.

"Maaf garnu hola tapai le samparka garnubhayeko number uthena"

I hurl my bag and zip my jacket.

Take me where you want to, take me where now I need to
Take me home or let me crawl;or just let me kiss the ground
Enough is never enough. More is less than more. take me out if you can
I-
stand back, moving just means passing out and coming back .

Let me pass or take me through. Its a cold new year day, isn't it?

Well, HAPPY New year!

Never - the love - we spoke of
Went crazy when detached from

She is the cup from which I drink the thoughts of excitement. She thrills me with her words and I go inside out with fluster. Respiration becomes mountain climbing. The easy beating heart goes on marathon. Her actions deludes me and pampers me at the same time. she was not the person I was looking for. But she has become the one that ended my pursuit. Never did she speak of love but love floods out with her every words and action. Never could I speak of love but I go baby when she is around and I go high when she speaks. She is my dope. dope..dope...!

Subtle beast within thy beauty sleeps
Your gentle smile hides the smirk beneath
Tenderly your movement blocks my wind pipe
The poison of your kiss gives me desire to live