Whether it helpful, useless, or a little too late.
The voices in my head give me advice.
Here's a list of ****** up **** my brain has told me.
1.
Dear Maggot,
As we march
further and further
into the territory of single life.
Which unfortunately
is what happens
to calloused hearts like yours
You'll realize that.
As the goal of *** shifts
from making love,
to meaningless pleasure.
The "unspoken rules."
Of the bedroom
Are always different
And should be spoken.
Loudly.
2.
Although ******* inside a woman
Who loves you enough
To want a baby is a fulfilling
Romantic experience.
******* inside this stranger,
Without a ******, and
Thinking she'll be happy about it,
Is not going to end well.
3.
Not every person
Is going to ask you to
Use a ******* ******.
Take initiative, and wrap it
Before you tap it.
4.
Now that you don't have a girlfriend,
Sleeping at a friends house
Is not always innocent.
A majority of your friends
Will try to sleep with you,
At the very least.
All of the men will try to sleep with you.
5.
Having *** with a new gender
For the first time
Is exactly like losing your virginity
All over again.
You have no idea what you like anymore.
Why isn't this working?
That doesn't go there.
Oh my god,
Please put that there.
6.
Some of your previous ex's
Will start talking to you again.
You should still probably not sleep with them.
You should probably still not...
...Oh never mind.
7.
When a girl reaches for a 2-liter of soda
After having *** in the backseat of your car.
Do not assume she's thirsty.
She may lift the soda bottle to her ******.
I know what you're thinking,
And yes it's that bad.
Watch, as the soda magically disappears.
When she spreads her legs and says
"Drink from me"
And of course when you say:
"No"
She will get extremely upset at you.
And scream at how terrible of a person you are.
While squirting
****** coke
All over the back seat of your car.
Be very clear about where you stand
On drinking ****** coke
From the beginning.
8.
Just because someone is in a relationship,
Does not mean they won't sleep with you.
Asking if the boyfriend or husband is okay
With you guys hanging out
Is a good first step to taking the higher ground.
Asking during ***
Might **** the mood.
9.
Not every partner wants you to penetrate them.
Some people just want to be whipped.
This is not weird in the single life.
10.
These people think you are vanilla as ****.
Fetlife is not for you.
Stick to tinder.
11.
Listen here maggot,
When a girl leaves something behind,
She probably wants a second date.
Even if what the woman left you was
******* ****** coke
All over your brand new leather seats.
12.
Some of the girls you sleep with.
By some miracle,
Will still want to talk to you.
You crazy *******.
They might make amazing friends.
You might even have *** again.
And if you're lucky, they'll teach you something.