Why live, only to die?

Why love, when alone I'll die?

Why laugh, only to watch others cry?

Why cut, when blood will dry?

The clock reads 4:30.
My friend is using the bathroom.
That must've been what woke me up.

Although I wish,
I know that is not true.

That frozen feeling in my chest
Resounds with my heartbeat,
Thumping faster and faster as I close my eyes.

My fitbit reads 75 bpm,
I know that can't be true,
It's going faster,
So much faster.

I try to sleep,
But images fill my head.
Dreams, or my own thoughts,
I can no longer tell.

I can't discern them,
All I know is that I am scared,
And right as I touch sleep,
I am jolted awake,
By an erratic heart,
And threatening images.

There is no screaming,
                     thrashing,
I am not awake enough to escape,
But not asleep enough to give in.

It is an all night war with my terror,
I'm not paralyzed,
I can move around,
But it follows.
It always follows.

Often times I don’t know how I am.
That one question holds so many possibilities,
And I can’t narrow them down to one.

How are you?
I’m not sure to be honest.

There are days I feel a raging inferno,
Where fire burns my insides,
making me curse the world that’s brought me to this point.

But other times, it’s a tidal wave of sorrow.
In those times I can’t even muster the energy to swim.
I’d rather let the world drown me than care about it for another second.

The worst times though are the happy ones.
They usually follow the wave and flame.
It’s like my emotions decided that they’ve had enough of one extreme,
And that it’s time to swing to the next.

I know these happy feelings won’t last-
As soon as that song ends,
As soon as I return to reality,
I will return to nothing.
Because I know this happiness is not a reflection of how I truly feel,
But a valiant effort to hide the storms inside of me.

So when people ask me,
How are you?
I say I’m fine.
I’ve gotten quite good at hiding anything,
Everything.

I am scared to acknowledge the natural disaster that is my soul,
For I fear that one day it will be my end.

When it finally hits me,
It’s no stunning realization.

Time,
People,
They both seem to ebb and flow around me.
Pushing, shoving, guiding, needing.
I’m in the current of life.

In this river of time and space,
I look for a life raft,
A float,
Anything to bring a spark back to my body,
To make me want to fight again.

But it is in the dead of the night,
In this current that continues to throw me around,
That I realize I am alone,
And no one is coming for me.

In my mind it’s so easy.
We meet by chance,
Fall in love,
Happy ending.

But reality is a different story,
It is one written by anxiety and pain.

I’m tired of being lonely.
I know there are friends there.
But I crave intimacy,
Affection.

It is hard though,
When every possible candidate is met with fear,
With anxiety over some day having to say no.
With some day having to walk on glass,
Because I have to say I don’t feel the same way.

I want to chase my fears with alcohol,
Get drunk and let the night roll.
But that’s what got me here.

It is not my duty or obligation to meet their demands,
To fulfill their needs,
And I refuse to let alcohol be their tool to use my body.

3 things
I remember 3 things

I got in the car with him.
He came in me.
He kicked me out at 6 in the morning.

I remember 3 things,
Because I was drunk.

I probably consented,
But I don’t really remember.

It wasn’t **** though.
I took that risk when drinking so much.
I mean, it’s really my fault.

I don’t know if it was consensual
Did I want it?
I don’t remember.
I know sober me did not.
Either way, I was drunk.
So it’s not ****,
It’s regret.

There was a time where I relished his drunk touch.

The feeling on the dance floor,
Of his lips on mine,
His hands on my waist.

I felt power from his touch.
It affirmed what I wanted to feel-

I wanted to feel beautiful,
                            dangerous,
                             fierce.
I believed for a while that his drunk attention proved these things to be true.

Now I know differently.
Now that our drunk love has burned out,
I understand I am the only one who can make these things true.

I will no longer find power in drunk love.
I will find power in myself.