My shell is so alive;
my eyes
still wonder
to what’s new.

But my mind
dimming.
Thoughts
silenced.

Inside the shell
myself is dying.
I’m already halfway there,
do I need permission
to cry?
to die?

I’m already grasping for air
even when there’s enough for us
to share.

It's been a while, I'm your age now.
The age you were when you left.
The world is a mess right now.
But for the first time, I'm not.

It would've been your birthday right now.
Everyone is still celebrating your existence.
Just sad you're not here right now.

I have a boy right now

He gives me the love I secretly wanted
even though I thought love didn’t exist
when we ended.  

It’s that first love
that hurts so much
that makes you miss being
stupid
but
in love.

The happiness
you brought
a little taste of that
please.

No proper goodbye;
no “see you later”  
no “text me when you get home”.
Just let me say goodbye
one last time.

A goodbye to the feeling of home
A goodbye to the feeling of love
A goodbye to the feeling of trust
A goodbye of the feeling of you.

and when people ask me
what my type is

i describe
the spark i saw
in your eyes
the happiness
i felt bad in your voice
the butterflies
i got when you were here

it
hurts
so
much

The moment I realized I fell in love with you.

Our first moments together I felt like I needed to plan things to do. The things were fun, visiting places, seeing things.

But that fun wasn’t the reason I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you when we left the activities. When we walked to the train to go home and had the best talks under the night sky.

The first touch made my heart jump and the first kiss made my head spin.

I remember sitting by the fire in my hometown, the stars being with us. That moment was the moment I realized I loved you. The moment I realized I wanted to be with you. That was the moment my heart walked over to you.

I also remember the looks you gave me, the way your beautiful eyes looked at me and smiled when our eyes met.

I remember the silent hugs, the ones that made everything disappear. It was just us, in the comfort of us.

I remember the way you touched my face, like I was beautiful and worthy of your love. I never felt so good about myself.

I remember the first time you touched my leg in the cinema, I felt so loved. The movie wasn’t on my mind anymore, it was you, who wanted to touch me. I grabbed your hand and, just like every time, our hands interlocked like they were made for one another.

The memories that used to be so happy, are so bittersweet. But I’m happy you were the one I got to share them with.

You tell me you love me and I believe you.
The thing I just can’t believe is how easily you drop me out of your life. Three years we’ve built up something and you act like nothing has ever happened like it wasn’t even there. But then you tell me you have love for me. Not in a way like I have love for you, but you have love for me. Explain to me how you can love someone but at the same time don’t care anymore about anything. How you don’t feel like talking to me anymore when we had been doing that for three years nonstop. It really hurts me that you can drop me so easily like that. That’s the reason why I believe it wasn’t real. Because it’s not human to let go so easily of someone who once was your definition of love. Thank you for treating me as trash as soon as it was acceptable to. I’m sorry I have too much love but I’m not sorry I offered it all to you. Because when I choose you, you’ll get it all and I’ll fall in too deep. That’s love.

i thought i was worthy of love
worthy of life

but i’m not worthy of anything
anyone
i don’t deserve a laugh

but at least you were honest
about what i am
because now i can live
as the fool that i am

every first night without you is so hard

because
the night before
i felt love
i felt whole
i was home

and when you leave again
all the holes
start digging themselves
again

So here’s a story about a boy
but not the usual boy story you’d expect.

This boy is the reason why I get upset
why I get angry
and why I don’t want to exist on this world anymore.

This boy has a negative soul
he treats people like trash
but yet
he gets what he wants.

This boy gets the attention
of the people I love
and not in a postive way.

This boy tries to be popular
tries to be cool
and would do anything to achieve that
even if it takes the whole world to burn.

This boy lives in happiness
which is sad
because he doesn’t know
boys like him
make this world
is a place where people
want to **** themselves.

This boy doesn’t deserve
the attention from the people I love
and they know they shouldn’t give it to him.
Yet they still do
because they cannot stand up for themselves.
Their principles.
Their future.

If you keep giving boys like this
the permission to do what they want
play with whoever they want.
Boys like this will be our leaders
our fathers
our teachers
the role models of the future.

Don’t give these boys the attention they want. Give them what they deserve.
Because they don’t deserve to be loved.
They deserve to feel what others feel
because of boys like him.
This boy.

Place.
For.
Me.

you gave me butterflies today
i thought falling in love was a quick action
i thought there would’ve been a limit that would be reached in no time

but it’s been awhile and i’m still falling for you
not knowing when i’ll stop falling

*******

I want it gone. All of it.
I start to clean.

I remove all the dust
that makes me sneeze,
I remove the smudges
on the mirror
that have been bothering me.

It's still
too
messy,

I walk around.
Picking up clothes,
arranging books.

I'm suffocating,
I need some air.

I open my window,
light a candle
that smells
of happiness.

Vaccuum the floor,
throw away nonsense
that has been laying on my desk
for a while.
I want all of it gone.


I calm down,
I recognize it again.
I can be again.

And there I was.
The hot stream of water, pouring down my back.
I start to think, while I feel my skin burning, numbing.
My head hurts. My thoughts start to overflow. My emotions follow the stream, away to a place I don’t really know.

Whilst I close my eyes, I try to feel again. Is it too much?
All of a sudden, I feel every individual drop of water. Burning, numbing me. I turn off the water, I need to go. This isn’t what I should do.

I grab a towel and wipe away the water. Maybe next time I’ll enjoy it and sing, as I usually do.

I hate the you who wants to be the better you,
the you that everyone must like, because that’s the cool one right?

I hate the cool one who thinks it’s fun to be offensive and rude.
That’s the you I don’t want to be with.

or it doesn’t work

And when I have to advice my friends on love, I always involve you.

because you should only stay in a relationship when you have a ‘you’. I’m never giving up on you and you’re worth every **** second of my life.

and as we finished
tears came streaming down

i knew why
but i can't help it

it isn't changing

so i'm the one who's changing now.

so i haven't been sleeping
i haven't been eating

well i tried
and i did
but did i really?

i'm empty
i do stuff
without a thought
trying to seem busy
but the only thing that's busy
is my head

i try to sleep
close my eyes
open them again
just let me sleep

i hear things, see things.
nothing feels real.
i'm here, but just as a shell
as my insides have been ****** out.

i'm controlled by this thing
but it's not me.
it's smiling, but it doesn't have any thoughts inside, it's just the lips that move,
because they have to.

i try to turn up my music a bit
but it starts hurting
my head
my thoughts are trying to be louder
it's like thunder
they're colliding,
fighting to be heard.

the water
thoughts dripping along my face

thoughts

what if i turned up the heat
turned it up until i feel numb
feel my skin burn

what if i put my head under water
and don't breathe until
i get a glimpse
of what it would feel like
to be gone

the bruises on my arms
they hurt
turned the temperature up
didn't even mind the pain
turned it up more
pain streaming through my body
but i don't move
and keep my head under water

what if i just stayed here
keep turning up the heat
because the pain
doesn't hurt as much
as my brain does
and maybe
going numb
would turn my mind off

turned it up more
went and sat down
not knowing whether it's tears
or just water
streaming down my face

my skin turning red
the bruises on my arms don't hurt anymore
now just minding the heat
and not the thoughts in my brain

what if i stayed here forever?
turning it up more
every minute
until i couldn't take it anymore.






then i turned off the water
and grabbed a towel

maybe another day.

I won't bother you with my thoughts
as I need to find my happiness elsewhere.

Hey you,

I know love letters are a cliché,
but
how else am I supposed to tell you
what you do to me?
And
aren't we one of the biggest clichés?

So hello, here's a love letter,
from me
to you.

You.
I'm going to tell you,
some secrets about you,
ones only I can know about.
Ones that make me realize
I want to be with you
forever.

I like the way you look,
a split second before
your lips touch mine.

I like the way you look,
when you turn around,
and lock your eyes into mine.

You also do this thing,
where you stare at me
when you're not the one
I'm not paying attention to.
Then,
when I turn back to you,
you give me this smile,
that makes my heart melt.

I love how you pull me into a hug,
one I can't escape from.
One where everything is silent
for just a little while.
Where it's you and me and nothing else.

And every single time I'm with you,
the world takes a break.
Nothing to think about,
but you.
It's just us
and I love us.

And aside from all this,
there's so much more
that makes me adore
you.

I'm in love with you.

Sincerely,
me.

And sometimes it feels like I make so much effort for something that doesn't even know how much it costs me.

///

I shouldn't expect anything back.

Don't know whether I'm fooling myself but I just hope everything turns out alright for the both of us.

When I was younger,
I wasn't afraid of dying.
It's a part of life.
The ending.

I'd jump off the swing and climb in trees and my mum kept telling how dangerous it was.
But I wasn't afraid.

But ever since I met you,
ever since you're by my side,
you made me realize,
I'm finally afraid.
I can't be missing out on spending my life with you.
I want to stick around because of you.

And I know,
life hurts sometimes.
But I want-
no wait,
I NEED to be there for you.

I'm afraid of dying because I can't leave you.
I want to stick around because of you.

but then i realized,
home isn't a place,
it's a feeling.
a feeling of joy,
comfort,
love,
happiness
and safety.

you are my home.
with you i feel the most happy.
you give me the feeling.
which isn't a place, a room.
it's you.

i can't wait to go home again.

and when i came home i realized,
home isn't home anymore.
this bed,
it's haunted,
by all the tears and bad thoughts.
the sounds,
that are so all so familiar,
yet so strange.

but where do you go?
when you want to go home,
but you already are home?

my heart,
it beats for you
and when you're not here
it keeps on asking
where you are.

your fingertips,
that touch my skin.
your lips,
so soft,
i could kiss forever.
the feeling of your skin,
your hair,
your breath.  
where are they?

the only reason
my heart keeps on beating
is to feel it
all over again.
and when it happens,
it may skip a beat,
or two.

my heart
it beats for you
so where are you?
cause i want to feel alive again.

So I fell asleep with you beside me.

We were walking through the empty streets,
streetlights flickering,
cars passing by.

Your hand into mine,
fitting perfectly,
keeping it warm.

Making bad jokes,
having real talks,
we never run out of words.

But then I woke up,
with you still beside me.
Am I awake?
Or am I still dreaming?

a blue sky,
that turns in a grey blur.

it starts to pour down.
no coat.
drenched
in feelings
thoughts.

thunder.
loud.
uncontrollable.

it's cold outside,
i want to be home again.

You're all my dreams,
but also my nightmares,
where you leave me behind.

My world in your hands,
it's easy to hold,
but also so easy to drop.

Those feelings,
those thoughts:
Get out of my head,
and you, get in instead.

even the worst days
are good days
with you in my life.

I know we're in a good place.
And I know that if we both keep trying,
it will work out.
But will you keep trying?

I'm just scared
that one day
you'll wake up
feeling like
you don't want this anymore.
Feeling like there's so much better in the world.

And if that day comes,
I have nothing to change that.
And that's what scares me the most;
I feel like it's in your hands
and I can't do a thing about it.
Because I won't give up on us.
But will you?

I've never met someone so alike.
But now that I have, it feels like I found my other half.

Trees,
some blossoming,
some dying,
some just staying green.

Blossoms,
leafs,
or just branches.

From the outside so different,
yet from the inside so similar.

When one is on its peak,
the other is on its downfall.

It's not always their time,
but when their season strikes,
they will blossom.

And as they get older,
they get thicker.
A better protection from the outside.

And you know?
You kinda ****** up.
Because when you did that little thing,
I changed.
Everything left.

You have to start all over again
because at this moment
everything I have is nothing
at all.

I wanted you gone.
Everything.
Every single thing.

But you have this little thing;
this silly little thing.
That made me realise
I need your little things.
And even though I hate them;
I don't want them gone.

I thought I was over you,
until you showed me the things
I fell in love with.
And then all the things
hit me all over again.

Today I let go.
I got used to it,
spending the days without you.

I deleted the photos,
the memories,
the thoughts.

Made place for some new ones,
better ones,
ones that don't leave you when you need something to hold onto.

You were nothing that turned into everything and then turned into nothing again.

It's funny isn't it?
How fast happiness can turn into sorrow,
So quickly,
So unpredicted.

I used to love looking at your pictures,
I used to love hearing your voice.
But now it just hurts.
It makes the hole in my chest feel so shallow.

I miss you.
I miss us.
I miss everything we were.

Please come back.

I know it's bad,
to bottle everything up.
But sometimes you have to.
I put my problems aside to care about yours
and I know that's a bad thing
but I just don't want you to feel as sad as I do.