If I am not there
Then I don't exist
But even when I am there
I don't exist

The hollowness that surrounds
My existence is ever-present
Constantly pushing and pulling
Tugging me in unforeseen directions

This way
That way
Rip him apart
Please stop

I gotta find a place to run
I gotta find a place somewhere
I have to exist, I can't disappear
Please let me exist

Don't let me disappear

I think as humans
That we were meant for more
Than we had bargained for
That we are worth more
Than we could ever see ourselves be worth
I think that we are simply meant to be
More than human

Think of being just a human
What are you when you are human?
Maybe you are a slave to the idea of money
A slave to the idea of the approval of others
A slave to the weakness of your own flesh
Or maybe you are just a slave to emptiness

As a human you are
weak
pathetic
a nerd
a dumb ****
a fat girl
a queer
a problem
a flaw that spreads from a speck to a blemish on what was once pure

We were meant for more than this
We are here to love and to be loved
We are here to be slaves to joy and love
No one can ever escape from slavery
So one should be a slave to something more powerful than oneself

We are more than human
We are purpose
We are children
We are the brothers and sisters put here on this Earth
To love God and through Him love one another

We were meant to be better than what we are
And many of us have lost the way
Maybe one day they will be found
And maybe then they can become more than human

They're *******
Get over it

I sit in front of my computer
Looking at the blank screen in front of me
Waiting for God to create something for me
And put it in my head

I don't put an ounce of thought
I don't take the careful precision
That is necessary to write a decent poem
I just sit down and write whatever comes to my mind

And when that creativity comes
I mix it in with a little bit of confusing
Jumbles
And
Mispalled words
To throw others off
And attempt to be more effective by adding a bit of italic and bold
As well as add symbolism like a donkey licking the outer rim of my ****

Then when others ask about what I mean
I give some stupid answer
Or if I really want to sound smart
Just say it means nothing at all

Then the people reading my poems praise me
And call my work a masterpiece
And then they wonder why the next few things I put out is ****

When a piece of cloth is torn up
The pieces are separated
The cloth can be torn for many reasons
Abuse, being too frequently handled, neglect, or simply being worn out

When the cloth is torn the pieces drift
Multiple areas that can be difficult to find
Finding the pieces may take weeks, months, years
But the pieces will always be found and sown together again

When they are together though the pieces aren't the same
The pieces have gone to multiple areas and are shaped differently
They take different colors, shapes, sizes and textures
The cloth might not be the same for better or worse but at least the pieces are intact

What makes a brother
Is it covering ones back?
I tend to doubt that
Telling him that
"Yes, because I love you, everything not allowed by our parents can be allowed by me"
Is not what makes a brother

I've failed you in the past
I've have not been a good role model
The words I wrote on the board in the past
Were mired with ****
Now while I'm figured out
You're on a downward spiral
And because of me
You don't even know it yet

It ***** to know that when
I'm trying to be a good brother for once
You tell me that I'm not a real brother
That I'm only the pet of Mom and Dad

Whatever you say I won't care
The difference between me and you
Is that I'm not the one that is
Falling behind the curve
And I know that every
Tough decision I make
Pushes you forward
Because I know
How to push you forward
Instead of back
And you can kick
And scream
And whine
All you want
But ****** you're going forward
Because I owe you that

What makes a brother
Is to correct you when
You're steering in the wrong direction
And even though you might hate me now
I hope you'll understand later on

Keep looking and figuring out days in the sun
Life is in front
Yet one retreats
Question: Is the nature of Man unsatisfied with the life he lives?

Perhaps its escape
Away from the apparatus that the world has inflicted
Yet the retreat is futile for one will always get pulled back in
Question: When Man gets immediately pulled away from the fictional realization of his desires, is he satisfied with what He has in front of him?

No desire is ever satisfied
Desire is made up through dreams
It's these dreams make one hate reality
Question: Are the dreams that Man create are what poison them?

Precisely what causes the hurt
Precisely what causes the prolonged
Precisely what causes the boredom
Question:...............................................

When you breathe
Your first breath of fresh air
I am the first color you see
Clothing the world in majesty

I am what brings you joy
Your first steps into the ocean
The color of your first room
That stuffed toy that you loved to play with most
The cute dress you wear on your first date
The eyes of the very first love that you kiss

I am the definition of success
The royals would choose me
People have fought wars for me
It makes me hard to come by
Modern art was made of me due to my delicacy
My color is the banker's choice
In a majority of country's my value on a dollar is the highest

I am despair
That sinking feeling that you try to get out of
The depression that never goes away
Try to grasp something in the melancholy but
Just slip faster and faster
The first color that you see when you become blind

I am balance
The ocean that let's you carefully float
But if not too careful will let you drown
The sky that brings you great joy
But allows you to live in sorrow
So that when you look up you will see it more

I am peace
The final moments of your stay
You lie down and look up for that last bit of fresh air
Close your eyes and take me in
And when you open them you see me again
You look at your love and there I am
You peer at the cool liquid that you sip
And cool off and breathe you last
And the final thing you think as you let the liquid
Cool your tongue and throat at the end of it all:
I am life

A joy
A moment
Bliss
Laughter
Serenity
The pinnacle has been reached

A fall
A lifetime
Fear
Disappointment
Betrayal
The plane was weak and the rocks slid

Broken
Is the body
Its physical humanity forever lost

Scattered
Is the mind
Its newfound knowledge laced in poison

Gone
Is the innocence
Its end caused by unimaginable cruelty

You open your lips slightly
You open them wide
And you say the words
The pretty little words

You pull me closer
Your hot breath to my ear
And you whisper to me the words
The pretty little words

The words repeat and entrap me
The words I repeat to myself
Each word I repeat tastes of you
The pretty little words

The words harden me
The words soften me
The words blind me and make me see
The pretty little words

You are a seraph
You are a devil
You will always guide me through with your words
The pretty little words

You probably think that it's simple being me
I'll make it very clear
So that you can hear
That sometimes I want another route
Sometimes I just want to simply get out

I think sometimes of how I am quickly failing
You probably saw it and just thought I was ******* and wailing
That I was a whiner, loser and complainer
When I was just struggling trying to stay saner
Whether or not you cared or bothered to see
You must have known you were mentally torturing me
As I struggled and struggled all throughout
Just simply trying to get out

I sometimes think about how I am trapped
That I could escape to a place untapped
That I could move and hide somewhere safely
But you don't care to listen, you haven't cared lately
That I wanted to escape somewhere new to sprout
That all I want is to simply get out

I think sometimes that I wish I wasn't me
I pray to God that He will see
That there is someone else I would rather be
That I could not feel so trapped and wallow about
That I could simply just get out

I sometimes drive home and it's quiet
Radio's out and now my head is a riot
I think the thoughts I think
And then my heart begins to sink
That this flesh I could begin to peel
If I just turn the steering wheel
Taking me to a different route
Finding a simple way to get out

I know you're reading this
Not necessarily sure why
If reading it just gives you a peace of mind
Or you just keep trying to hurt yourself

Either way I'm glad
And hope that this finds you
So that you can use it for whatever
Emotional outlet you use it for

I don't act the same
I'm nicer than I've ever been
My jokes are sharper
People actually like me now
I'm respected in my community
I'm a leader
I'm an actual Christ follower now
But why am I still here?

I don't look the same
My ****** hair grows faster
I wear glasses now
I've gotten kind of paler
I slick my hair back
I have gray hair
And now I'm balding
But why am I still here?

I don't live in the same conditions now
House is smaller
I maintain it, cook it, clean it, pay it
I don't have people cater to me
I cater to myself and those who live around me
I have my own van
Van is *****
***** is my room which is why I only now clean it
But why am I still here?

Why am I still in this place?
I feel lonely even when I know people love me
I sometimes feel like I'm sinking and no one can pull me out
I'm still angry no matter how hard I try
I still have the darkness inside me
It's trying to overtake me
God can help me but I don't know how

There is a void between us
That I wish I could reach across of
I wish that I could be held once in awhile
I'm kind of tired to doing the holding
What I desire is rest and to not be there anymore
To be called to so I may be comforted so I can comfort
I won't refuse for a second if that happens
I don't want to ask why anymore and instead exclaim, "Thank God!"

When I wake up in the morning
Peaceful waves of blue is all I see
Glistening, inviting me to jump in and sink deeply

The idea of sinking can imply drowning
But the feeling I seek to convey is a baptism
Sinking me down into the bluest abyss
Until the feeling lets me rise up as a stronger
Spiritually renewed man

Content with the feeling I watch your eyes
Sinking me down and pulling me up again and again
Continually making me more and more renewed
Always, every day, making me strong than I have been.

Within the fire
There is destruction
Burning the homes
Of the destitute souls
Crawling and begging for death

"Answer me!" they say, "Come down and cool our tongues."
Though no one comes
They stay alone in there sadness
Empty in the dark
Gritting their teeth as they try to crawl their way out
But they cannot reach nor feel relief
They never will again

Within the fire
There is light
Guiding the way home
To those who search for it
Returning back to open arms

"Never will I fear again!" they say, "I will never thirst again."
They take feast
At a seat amongst the highest table
Their images clear and bright
Taking the food in which they enjoy but no longer need
Feeling no pain and suffering
They never will again

The world is on fire
Fire leads the way
The way to destruction or the way home
The way home is wide open
Open to those that use the fire to find it

It's coming
I can feel it
Crawling through my skin
Flowing through my toes
Up my legs
Caressing my genitals

Cold, so cold
It's in my chest
Inflaming it
I need to cough but I can't
It has reached my head
It has finally reached me and I'm gagging

Every part of my life
Was built toward this very moment
Here I am now
At the pinnacle
It's terrifying
Yet I'm ready to release

It needs no name
There is no question
I'm as stiffer than a board
Ready to be taken

Before the debutante’s
sister got into the car crash
with the drunk, wrong way driver
metal crunching
tires screeching
wet slippery highway
her dazey thoughts were
gray clouds
cool, prickly skin

That way that you talk
About me and to me
Is like you think
You know everything there is
To know about me
How everything was that way
How it turned out that way
Like everything that happened
Was in your perspective
In your way
But you don't and it wasn't
And I wish you didn't think that way
And I wish we didn't go that way