I don't act the same
I'm nicer than I've ever been
My jokes are sharper
People actually like me now
I'm respected in my community
I'm a leader
I'm an actual Christ follower now
But why am I still here?

I don't look the same
My ****** hair grows faster
I wear glasses now
I've gotten kind of paler
I slick my hair back
I have gray hair
And now I'm balding
But why am I still here?

I don't live in the same conditions now
House is smaller
I maintain it, cook it, clean it, pay it
I don't have people cater to me
I cater to myself and those who live around me
I have my own van
Van is *****
***** is my room which is why I only now clean it
But why am I still here?

Why am I still in this place?
I feel lonely even when I know people love me
I sometimes feel like I'm sinking and no one can pull me out
I'm still angry no matter how hard I try
I still have the darkness inside me
It's trying to overtake me
God can help me but I don't know how

There is a void between us
That I wish I could reach across of
I wish that I could be held once in awhile
I'm kind of tired to doing the holding
What I desire is rest and to not be there anymore
To be called to so I may be comforted so I can comfort
I won't refuse for a second if that happens
I don't want to ask why anymore and instead exclaim, "Thank God!"