I may be young
and often written off because due to my adolescence
but I still feel like everyone else
and I still learn from my lessons
and as the days fly by
and the innocence in my heart lessens
just remember
I was never insane
I just lost track of counting my blessings

Young soul
on the verge of growth
with a dream, with dreams
you can't even see
but you're told you can reach
told you can be anything...

but only within your boundaries

Young misguided soul
in such a cruel world
you're left to discover
all the dark secrets
and all the worlds demons
after being raised to believe
that this is the land of the free

I never realized it would come down to this

Walking on eggshells like broken bottles
Praying my hand won’t clutch down on the throttle
Cause between the other side and I is only a mile
And all my second chances lie in the corner stacked in a pile

Often enough, I visit these ghosts and ask if I can stay awhile
And despite the fact that their intentions are as transparent as their torsos,
Sometimes I can’t see through their smile

When ‘scared shitless’ is an understatement
And the best part of this day was just surviving this day
Hope seems to find its way out when you can’t
But always leaves a note explaining why it couldn’t stay

So I’ll continue to let myself hate

You told me I could be so much better
And wouldn’t have to wait until night to embark
Well some shadows are darker than others
And you aren’t the one with eyes that glow in the dark

Because hiding my fangs is the closest thing to love I’ve ever met
And when you tell me you love me,
Regrets fire through my head like shotgun blasts carrying a threat
They say, “You don’t love me, you just don’t hate me yet”

And I don't want you to hate me

So yeah I still sleep with one eye open
But I’m also awake with one eye shut
And I’m living with one foot in the grave
But dying with one hand digging it’s way up

I’d be happy to die a martyr
Anything not to die alone
And I’d be happy to walk a little bit farther
If I knew I was almost home

But instead my heart keeps beating on in spite of itself like a broken wind-up doll waiting for the timer to run out
And finally catch a good night’s sleep

But a good night’s sleep
Is harder to find when you’re six feet deep
Just praying to god the bell actually rings
And someone above somewhere is actually listening

But they aren’t
At least I don’t believe they are

So I’ll hold my breath and hope
Hope god didn’t give the noose the strength to hold its iron grip around my throat
And wait for the air to find its way back into my lungs
In the meantime, studying the way the rope is strung

And I’m afraid to change
But I think I’m more afraid of staying the same

So I’ll move to the edge and etch a sketch
To remind myself it’s less about how far you can reach
And more about how far you’re willing to stretch.

Once the darkness
Ruled the night.
You could not see
By candlelight.

Now the lights
Are bright...

They WIN!

But it's darker than
It's ever been.


SoulSurvivor
Catherine Jarvis
(C) October 2, 2014

You love with all the parts of you
You thought you would never feel through again
And laying here without them you are empty
Talking to an angel you ask why
Why do you live if only to be in pain
You shed a tear which bursts into flames
Self loathing consumes you
You tell myself you deserve the pain
You wonder how you have managed thus far
By convincing others you are not insane?
So they don't know you imagine your own death
more than once a day
You wonder how long he will stay
Before he realizes you are his biggest mistake
And relieves himself of your burden
By throwing you away
Why does he stay?
He says its because you are his soulmate
So where is your soul?
You feel empty at the core
He is the one you need
With him you are empty no more
He sets you free
But you ask your angel if it is selfish of you
To keep him and his love
Knowing you deserve not even the earth beneath his feet?