In losing you, my chest became heavy

Tears built I refused to let go

Your name offended me, I burnt

And the smoke choked me when I went to sleep

I will cry, I will cry

And when I did, it rained a storm

Only after a storm

Its a new day with clouds that drew puppets

I let you go it seemed, how light I became

I found there’s an empty space

Filled with nothing but hope of moments the air carried

I found myself once again

And she breathes simpler, she shines more brighter

I thanked you then

So I’m writing you something tailored

For my tenant to ask questions,

Know I’m shallow where love’s concerned

And the road that I’m now to take

I’ve befriended in my dreams

Its only about me

I have fallen in love with my-her-self

The days come and go,
so does my shadow
with night and day,

I've grown, grown big
to want a husband and children,

without the sun's warm embrace,
I've followed life,
living with principle
and my words, to their abode;

I'm a woman now,
my mother's hands smaller than mine,

I'm a woman,
the mirror paints her beautiful,

The days are long gone,
those days I miss and my head
can't twist back enough to recall them,

This, this is sadness.

Black,

I’ve not thought of you as merely a colour.
I’ve thought of you as absence, lack of, without…
You’re not final, like I’ve come to see, you’re not definite,
Already determined.
Absent, a picture that is yet to be completed, defined
in normalcy accepted by majority.
My favourite. I can never say it clearly how I look at you.

To me, you have never meant dark. You always meant space
to be filled by those deserving, those with colour bright enough to imprint
on you and leave a mark. Spot enough, strong enough its not swallowed by
the entity you embark.
You aren’t but might be, an attractive illusion that’s always
invited me to take a step further, embrace my beginning.

A strong statement is what you are, being a blank that’s to be filled with
memories capable of extinguishing you, yet strong in identity, capable of
absorbing any colours coming near you to remain the same without any
blemishes, any marks that might indicate memories came and went
light enough to leave a mark of their own.

There is no wrong match for you as I’ve come to know, it’s a matter of
which cannot be overwhelmed by what you are, which can take your
nature and maintain theirs at the same time, which can compliment
you impeccably, you shine and become a beauty no one could have
anticipated.

You’re like no other, in saying so, you are what I am called
Black.

In the end,
I finally set out to fly
as I was told it were order
of maturity.

The sky passing many colours
stars conversing with my dreams
I felt content.

On this journey I went
The wind conspired many temptations
But I let my wings find their destination
My eyes closed,
I took in the feeling
of letting go…

When I opened my eyes,
not only was temptation
before my eyes,
I wondered if I’d set out too late…

I’d have been blind
not to lick my lips
When a black cloth hung
on his pale skin
teasing my venturing desire,
Self aware…

I don’t remember how
when my sense came
My hands were hanging
around his neck
He and I…

Forget me I'm only reminiscing
I've heard revisits bestow wisdom, expectation excluded
I saw Teddy left out of our room
He'd comforted me late nights
Barbie was all beauty, make-up and hair perfected
But Teddy, you remember how I clung to him?
I hadn't heard the meaning behind mama's words
You should see me now, pregnant with scars
Dear Innocence
I admit your cocoon's absence is felt
My hands were on my ears in the dark
My knees drawn to my bare chest
Rocking back and forth, back and forth
Mama was lost, her consolation only money
Truthfully
You left without warning
You took me with you
And I'm grateful for that care, that me had been virginally worldly
My dear Innocence
I'm writing to tell you of the changes
My old bed squeals now, as of the rats
Like my oldest pet, troublemaker
He'd been true from the beginning
To your eyes it might sound pungent
Evolving they said was special
I swear I was blindly being extruded
But dear Innocence
A whole in my heart settled
An angry cloud preparing for apocalypse
Your light's leftover not shimmering
All is no longer, no longer
Dearest Innocence
Once upon a time...

I have loved you before I knew what love meant, before I could cry and think of you as nothing. I have loved you before you were a man, before people started losing faith in you and seeing you as less, before you cried about what the world has done to you and I love you still.

My love is imprinted beyond the stars our eyes see, the stars our sky shows, beyond the realm our faith knows; my love is infinite, shallow in the face of those who don’t understand but to me is faith itself. Its yours to hold and leave, misuse and ignore, its too powerful for me to control or do anything about, whatever you want it to be even nothing, it will always be.

I can’t change who you are, how you are always in my thoughts, how I look for you in everything I do and wish my presence is known to you even if I’m not because you are now a part of me I don’t know how to erase only to ignore. To me you are the beginning, the end, forever and beyond; in this life and the next.

You are the love my eyes search for, my hands couldn’t hold onto, my heart couldn’t forget, my soul couldn’t erase, my thoughts start with and myself is. Now far away, so far it feels like I am someone new without what makes them themselves, I cry because it wasn’t enough for you to look for me and wait, you found me in…in someone else yet your eyes are still searching.

Love is too small a word to name what I feel for you, hurt as I am; I know knowing you breathe is enough for me to spend the rest of my life only watching you live. I can never explain, I can never say what it is you make me feel, and they will always tell me what it is yet knowing what lies in a place no one can ever reach, I know in this life I have a feeling that is worth more than moments. Unfortunate and tragic as our story has turned out, yours is the only name I will say before I fall asleep.

I was yours, I am yours, I will be yours. Our story is as it should be and always hasn’t ended if my eyes open when the sun rises. I can say I love you but love is simple, I can say I hate you but hate is cloudy. What I feel, I’m still searching for what it means…

Yours truly

Lover

Its sad our eyes
never collided
I’d have loved
to know what
its like to look into
someone’s eyes
know how it feels
to watch moments
go by…

The meet
The dates
The fights
The proposal
The dress
The aisle
The honeymoon
The house
The children
The lawn
The grandchildren
The last touch
Laying you to rest
Then resting

It’s sad to wake up
realize in this life,
Our eyes weren’t
meant to collide
All my love
welled up inside
and you’re not
By my side to receive

Behind your love
lived a you
that wouldn’t embrace
the me before my love.

Behind my love
lived a me
that wouldn’t brazenly cherish
the you before your love.

Unintentionally,
we were cheating…

In love?

It must be a waltz but I’ve never waltzed
or soft tapping of feet on solid cloud
but a steady feeling, observing when to storm or harvest
the kind one can never regret.

You know a craving of chocolate
while having an aching tooth,
Or a run on a rainy day,
There’s reason, not spiteful but one
which could prevent a headache
Yet the heart will only stomp it’s feet.

I feel, I might have been in love
each time a pen translated my thoughts;
Yes, my hand was writing
but description that lets me meet
my thoughts, how it feels as though
they’re conversing with me
whilst silly but to my soul
it’s a taste of said waltz or glide by amongst the stars.

You know; the roof that’s been unrestricted.
In love…

To have already extended
My hand yet
about to be renegade.

They said my heartbeat
could be heard
from even the deaf man’s stupor.
"smirk ” – only when my mind envies and my heart overracts

I don’t neglect a heroine’s
basic nature but
luring the hungry
to my plate of desperation
and leave a breath.

They said my eyes narrate temptation
could be a wishing you well,
Would never turn away
Knows to capture
yet forever one-way street.

Do I play, do I? ; "giggle "

The season when air is frozen,
I was told then I could flatter my lashes.

Why do I need their eyes to tell me
Forgiveness is gateway
to seeing myself shower
under midnight rain?

What I want, against
What they want…
"mumble"

I wished for too long
to live in a space
built especially for me
where I could stroll around
and stumble upon my
innate favourite parts of living.
A place, different shades of hues.

And I did,
did live in that space;
every time when you weren’t asleep.

Darling, open your eyes;
I want to come home…

Have I told you I’m lost, have I yet? I can’t say if its disappointment or sadness but around I see nothing I wanted for myself.
Haven’t I told you I’m lost, I’m so lost I can’t even find my fingers to erase tears I caught from walking the night, along with tares from moments clawing at me until I got to where I am. Scrap and lost…Where have I landed in the years I’ve gained, my footsteps seem to be erased, I can’t go back to my childhood.

“My thoughts have no origin. They are stolen
letters from days that always were an elusion to pass.
Yet when I read them, when I sit to read what
they exactly mean, they belong to a lost girl.
Such a sad beautiful creature, who knows nothing
Of painting herself a house to live in, such a lone
creature with an open door for silly notion’s
character to arrive. Those are my thoughts.”

I want my mother. Her, she can place me on her lap, cuddle me to her chest and I will belong. Haven’t I said I live in a circle? I live in a circle with no clear road to venture on. I’ve turned around, I’ve turned around! My head is spinning, I can’t feel my body. I am so lost…

“ I want to know how to speak to myself
in such a manner, its love letters from
past moments I failed to capture.
Be brave before a mirror, it fails
to converse back and show me my image.
Walk in colourless shoes I saw displayed
But failed to accept belonged to the dead.”

If I took myself away, far away to not feel anguish when I’m misunderstood; what sin will I have committed? I have searched every corner for one to hold my hand to his, I’ve not found him. And loneliness crushes my heart into pieces I ran away from in a fit of anger, so scattered pieces of my person are not with me, I’m only empty. I’m so vacant trying to teach my hand to hold my other hand.

“My thoughts are borrowed, from a journey
travelled by the wind, taken from anyone
who reared their nose for a longer intake.
They are belongings missing yet noticed,
By a blended home my mind has become.
I wish I knew which came from where…”

Have I not told you honestly, my father does not speak? He used to when I was in my mother’s belly, it explains how his voice is only a far away siren I have been following but could not find. I know his face, like I know mine. His comforts though are a foreigner I have not had the pleasure of meeting.

“I want to remember last night’s dream
not for recreation but put in an album
where all my purities are kept
So my children can know their mother,
when they arrived I was mum
Telling reality we are not friends
secluded me into a corpse on display.
I relate only to photographs, alive yet not.”

When will I begin to start anew, a beginning at the end, in the midst of nowhere with no one to sing me forward? I am lonely. My mind is a trigger, narrates such stories, they build such hopes only to tare them down just as shallowly. Perhaps being poor is my enemy…

“When I am sad, my thoughts turn to you.
You tell me what to do, hang myself!
When I am happy, my thoughts turn to you.
You tell me what to do, drown myself.
When I am anxious, my thoughts turn to you.
You tell me what do, surrender to myself.
When I am scared, my thoughts…”

I was not born a fighter, have I told you? Pick myself up when all around me is a bottomless colour. “A new day is all I need”, I’ve said countless times before, but ended up where my mind told me is home; with no past to speak of and no future to wonder of. In this state, I wish to know how to speak to myself.

I think of your smile
and my heart’s wide awake
This feeling, only from thinking
Of you tells me
If you stood before me
I’ll not say much
But I’ll not be able to look away.

When you dream remember
To keep your eyes open
So you’ll have the world
You knew to get back to

Says the pessimist

Lyrically
I walk a straight line
My thoughts stay behind

When I wonder
My mind belongs to the hunt
I’m more at peace then
What sweet escape

Says the coward

I first have to let these tears fall
They weren’t meant to hide

My love isn’t weak
It knows when to bow
My love isn’t stubborn
It knows when to stand
If it knows, I can’t tell it no

My love isn’t strong
It knows when to bow
My love isn’t passive
It knows when to stand
If it knows, I can’t tell it yes

It’s my love, let it
Tell you what it knows
It’s my love, let it
Tell you when it knows
If it knows, let it tell

My love isn’t everything
It knows when it’s nothing
My love isn’t nothing
It knows when it’s everything
If it knows, I can’t tell it no

My love isn’t young
It knows when it’s old
My love isn’t old
It knows when it’s young
If it knows, I can’t tell it yes

It’s my love, let it
Tell you what it wants
It’s my love, let it
Tell you when it wants
If it wants, let it tell

Tomorrow and I quarrel
But hearing myself laugh
I know
I'm not deceived.

I wish I could talk to you,
not like how I talk to God
but how I talk to myself
when I'm not missing being loved.

The train took those
those with future’s
their pasts let them borrow
Why not…
Did you visit your past?

The ride took too long
too long to keep
Doubts from creating jumpers
Unknown, friendly
Are you scared?

The car I was in
I was in with only
Married persons giggling
to steal another’s beloved..?
But they giggled
What, did I sin?

I felt the tracks tremble
the tracks’ tremble gave me chills
Laughed hysterically, remembering
I am joyous in chaos
Thumped by what’s to come
Oh, the tragedy…

Yes, the train
The train beautifully coloured
took us to our futures
Nightmares others relived
I felt at home
Who cares for rainbows?

My turn to scream,
To yell at the top of my lungs
Turned a white colour red
Out of stupidity but that is what youth does
Forget about chasing legends
And follow shallow dreams
In mid thigh tight skin dresses
Remember the shirt stain lipstick

I tell you, when the night is young
At one in the morning
My blood sing with the stars
My skin becomes the sun
I look forward to tomorrow with
blurred memories leading up to it.
See what it is, I can’t have my love yet

With these eyes lined with charcoal
Who’s to say my friends aren’t imaginary
I hear a story starting to form
Remember too, what its like
To smile at death, forget its meaning
How lovely it is to have your ******* firm
Time standing still during the day
Only the night bringing you life, oh I’m there

I hear you wanted to see me
About my age adding up to some years
Not while I can still go a week without sleep, I say
That is my big talent you know
Telling lies about myself
Who’s sob story will I tell next
My turn to shout, I say
To yell at the top of my lungs
I am here with a camera,
About to sell another life, rumbles of youth.

In my eyes, those that were closed
those that were opened,
before we fell, before I held your hand
with the intention of intertwining
my being to yours,

I saw a man, a man I had seen
in the depths of my desire,
a man if I could not look at freely
I’d steal glances of - by the night’s umbrella
or the sun’s ignorance,

I would for, involuntarily
even my thoughts chiding,
I’d blend with the sea,
to catch any drop he’d scatter
and those pieces collected,

would bring me closer to the warmth
of your breath, warmth of your single glance
and I couldn’t explain,
I couldn’t derive myself from longing
an inch of a glance, he nonchalantly threw
and to me was the second I caught,

I saw a man, a man I had seen
in the depths of my desire,
a man if I could not look at freely
I’d steal glances of by the night’s umbrella
or the sun’s ignorance.

When I fall in love,
I want my eyes to change
into a honey world of moments revived, burdens washed away
I want my voice to sound like a song I will dance to
when I become his wife, when I’m in love
I will look like the sky after a heavy rain
Dressed in rainbow colours that shine
with kisses I could not erase
But keeps me smiling nonetheless

Abandoned dreams are but a legend
with flair that has overgrown its purpose
Trim them into a myth
get an overlooked thought
twinned with an old dying man’s wish

My God neglects me
but I’m never envious
He placed my fate
in a way I’ve to call out to it,
and I call out to it every other day.
I cry alone to hide my tears
the rain I hide from
could’ve been my God’s blanket
to hide those tears with,
I talk to him still.
My God doesn’t listen to me
maybe I whispered,
speaking in language
he’s reprimanded me of using before;
Demanding.

Truthfully, hurt has
a charming tone.
It would take my heart
to dance
and leave it heaving.

Now I do wish
running were an
intimate act.

_ To disfigure illusions
so thoroughly…

I tended my first broken
exuberance,
Found the future stood
pensive,
till I proclaimed my heart
outrun.

I made a vow then,
to take the name of one
I could hurt evasively.

_I learned I could be weak
in the face of my own voice.

Inconsolably, I picked
the habit of pacing
through my cries…
till they reached a lulling hum.

Where does it end?
My dress has been
shedding petals
Not long now, I’ll be naked.

You were written
in my destiny
Only as the sky
Untouchable

I can admire you
Your presence
Only never be with
Untouchable

When you are a star
I am not the dark
In my world to be seen
Untouchable

To fly would be
Feel your presence
Only never be
With you present
Untouchable

If you are the sun
I am only the ray
There by your eminence
Untouchable

You were written
in my destiny
Known by my heart
But my eyes not so
Untouchable

Now I know,
I can’t trust my eyes, they lie to me whenever they close.
I can’t trust my heart, it beats to tunes I have never heard.
I can’t trust my soul, it took me riding and left me alone to fall.
I can’t trust my mind, it took on a journey that seems to have no sympathy for me.
I can’t trust myself, when I know I don’t exist without your once in a lifetime glance
But then my heart scolds me, and it tells me…

Love,

Why don’t you come already?
My patience is frail;
Breathing its last moments.

Waiting for you
Has made this woman
Intolerable to herself;
And staring at the moon
While its not out many nights
Is no longer a bandage

When you’re met by the tree out front
With bottles for leaves
Don’t be disheartened
To see you often,
I switched water for my kickstarter

Please,

Get on the road already
Its now winter
The sun is no longer bothersome
I’ll hold out till summer
So I’ll be ready with a bouquet
I can give you that much time.

The gifts you sent
Have lived many lives
And their ghosts,
Are on every corner of the house
Telling me they’re impatient to leave

When you’re met by many holes on the lawn
We’ll patch them after we’ve kissed
Long after we’ve had many kisses