Slowly, without warning
You had dug a hole underneath me
And I was too busy,
too preoccupied, trying to love you
To notice how low
I had really gotten

Looking up,
seeing the distance to where I once stood
I reached up to you,
thinking you would pull me out
But you just walked away.
Leaving me stranded
All alone

And it took me quite some time
To crawl my way up
And you watched as I struggled
As I used every ounce of what you left of me
To try and scratch my way back to the light
Never thinking I would muster the strength
To finally reach the top

As I was inches away
My struggle almost over
Then you came back
Making sure to push me back down
To where you had left me.

My fight is not over,
I will reach where I once stood.

As we stumble around
Bodies pressed together
I was baptized in your name
Covered in your sweat,
Like I was doused in holy water
Nibbling your flesh like wafers
Your saliva on my tongue
Reminding me of communion wine
But everything about you
Taste much sweeter
This is our sacred act
Our own religion

Concern for
My ever breakable heart
A fear that I will
Be buried underneath
The pain that this will
Inevitably cause me
My heart has been
Through so much
There are parts missing
Lacerations and bruises
I don’t know how much more
It can take
But you pull me in
Making me think
Maybe
I can survive
One more heart

I promised you
That I wouldn’t leave
I would stay
Right here
Beside you

But I didn’t realize
How hard it would be
And I don’t know if  
That’s a promise
I can keep

I go outside
Every time it storms
Hoping that the rain
Will wash you
Out of my bones

Growing up
We’re told that
We should
Watch our drinks at parties
Not go out alone
Carry pepper spray
Don’t talk to strangers on the street

But no one ever warns you
About the boy with the brown eyes
Who tells you
“You’re pretty”
Who takes you on your first
Real dates

No one warns you
About the boys
Who try to impress you
The ones
Who steal your heart
And make it flutter

Those are the boys
Who you should be careful about
They know their intentions
As well as you do

I don’t remember much
About that night
It was filled with cheap alcohol
And the smell of the fire

I do remember
Telling you "No":
That no matter how much I drank
I didn’t want
What came
Later that night

I woke up the next morning
Feeling regret and blaming myself
I cried to my friends
As I did my makeup in front of the mirror

You took something from me
That I can never get back
But I didn’t talk about it
For quite some time
Because I thought
It was my fault

But as I grew
I realized
What you actually did

Now I do not blame myself
I only blame you

Being with you
Was a trance
Your presence felt electric
Our relationship;
A dance floor
We would twist and turn
Gliding our feet
Me trying to mirror
Your every move
But I could never keep up
My steps were always
One beat off
Never matching
The ones you took
Soon enough, I feel behind

I feel like I am walking on a tightrope
Gently balancing myself
On the thin line
Between trying too hard
And letting go
I sway to one side
More often than the other
And I am finding it difficult
To regain my balance

You bit my bottom lip
When we kissed
And you drove me wild

I can’t decipher
If it was the pain
Or pleasure
That got to me

Whatever it was
I never want you to stop

You told me that you didn’t want to hurt anyone
That you don’t want a relationship
Because your life is constantly changing

And though you didn’t want to hurt anyone
With your constant unknowns
It hurts me to think
That you don’t know me well enough
To know that I am someone
Who will walk in to the unknown with you

Have you ever thought
That someone who cares enough
Would be willing to change with you

Commitment is not something
I have found easy
The thought horrifies me
To the very core
I spent my life
Avoiding and pushing
The thought of forever away

Yet,
I don’t feel that way
When I think about you
With you,
Forever does not seem
To be enough

I am never sure of anything
I am terrible at making choices
I second guess almost everything

But I never second guessed loving you

I'm afraid to be alone
But somehow
It's always where I crave to be

With smoke in my lungs
And bourbon on my breathe
I sit here alone
From when you left
Nothing stops the pain
Or could of prepared me
For what you said
As you walked out the door

Our relationship was orbital
Dancing around each other
I around you
Like the planets dance
Around the sun
Just floating
And when we go long enough
We align
A beautiful eclipse
That only we can see
One of us always blocks the other

Our timing was never right
Whenever I wanted to stay
And start getting comfortable
You were ready to walk out the door
And say goodbye

You told me you thought
If I had somewhere and someone
To give me all the things
That make me content
I would be alright
But if that someone is you
Then anywhere is fine by me

Sometimes it hurts to know
That if you called and told me
to come to your rescue
I would hang up
And drive the hundreds of miles
It takes to get from here to there
But if I called you
In need of your presence
All I would get is
The sound of your voicemail

You were
My sigh of relief
And now
You’re gone
And I’m sitting here
Gasping for air

I look through
Old photographs
Hoping that they
Will bring me comfort
In the things and people
I once had
But instead
They fill me with sadness
Remembering all
That I have lost