this is the first time I've been able to write about you in a year, and hurts more with every character that I type.
you used to bring me joy and happiness, and now you bring me feelings of sorrow, pain, anxiety and depression. i'm still trying to figure out how that is possible, especially coming from you.
when we were still together, I used to lie awake at 4AM thinking about how much I love you, and how much it would hurt to lose you. i used to dream of owning a beautiful home on the lake with you, and every morning, I could roll over either way and see a beautiful sight.
on my left; a glistening lake
on my right; the love of my life
now, I lie awake at 2AM wondering what went wrong and how much I miss you. quite a transition, isn't it?

nothing will ever be as beautiful as you.

you may think that even the smallest things possess more beauty, like the way the trees sway when the wind's coming from the northwest or when your favorite song comes on the radio and the grin that appears on your face. but i promise you that there is nothing out there that will ever come close to you. i wish you thought the same about yourself as i did.

i refuse to keep blaming you for what happened between us.

you tried your best to keep me happy and you always made sure i fell asleep before you. sometimes i lied about that because you'd post things that scared me and i needed to make sure you were okay. i guess i wasn't the only one who lied.

baby, do you remember that night in december when you told me you wanted to **** yourself and i found you by the railroad tracks? do you remember seeing my body next to yours? do you remember when i wouldn't let you go home because i couldn't watch you? my best friend slept over that night also because she didn't want me to worry about you even though you were right next to me.

maybe we both tried too hard, maybe we lied a little too much and maybe we shouldn't have even tried in the first place. sometimes i wonder what my life would've been if i hadn't met you. we hurt each other. you sent me pictures of blood dripping down your arm and it hurt me to the point where i had to sleep in my mom's room to ensure that i wouldn't hurt myself. you caused an aching in my heart and body that i've never experienced before and if there's a god up there, i pray that nobody hurts me and causes me as much pain as you did. you wrecked me. but i demolished you and walked around like i did nothing. it's been 7 months since we ended and i refuse to blame you for everything.

i remember the night when i took a few pills and you took your dad's car all the way across town to take me to a hospital. sometimes i wish i didn't tell you and others i wish i didn't take the pills. i think after that i realized that you were one of the most addictive drugs out there and i was hooked from the second we met.

i hope you realize i don't hate you anymore. i hope you realize that i take responsibility for what i did. it wasn't all your fault. i'm sorry. i miss you.

the first time, you took me to an abandoned mental hospital. it was definitely one of the crazier experiences i've had. we nearly got caught by the cops and i've never felt so comfortable around someone i just met. i remember when you walked me home and we talked about past lovers and the scars they left. our scars were similar. i didn't expect to fall for you as quickly as i did, but i don't think you did either.

the second time, you brought me to a train bridge. i thought you wanted to jump. you brought me under the bridge to the beams and told me it was safe to walk on them. i don't think i've ever been so scared before. but i trusted you and it went fine. so i trusted you more and more. it kept going fine. i trusted you with my heart and you obliterated it. you even warned me, and i guess that's partially my fault for not listening.

the third time, you brought me to an abandoned building. when we climbed over the fence, you assured me nothing would happen. nothing happened. you brought me into the basement and i felt fear rushing through my veins. you took out a can of spray paint, painted the date and our names and handed it to me. i couldn't think of anything so i wrote, "all things come to be loved and lost". when we left, we found ourselves walking towards an oncoming train and it took everything in both of us to move. i'm glad we did.

the fourth time, you brought me to your house and your mother greeted me with a warm smile and one of the biggest hugs i've ever received. you went into the kitchen as she hugged me and whispered into my ear, "thank you for making him happy again." and i didn't know what to say. in my opinion, you got worse when i came into your life. maybe it was just to get a reaction out of me. maybe you actually felt that way. your little sister looked me like i was an angel that just walked into a house full of sinners. i'll never forget how grateful she was to see you smile for the first time in months.

the last time, we met at the mental hospital again. after not talking for over two months, this was the first time we'd actually spent time together since that night at your mom's. you tried your hardest to make it like old times, but it didn't work. things changed and you couldn't see it. your laugh started to fade from my memory and now it plays like a broken record on repeat in my head. your words caused havoc in my mind and i'm not sure if they'll stop.

it's been 7 months since we called it off and your words left permanent scars in my head and on my arms. your friends glare at me when i walk down the halls and it sends shivers through my spine. i can't drive by your house anymore. i still have the necklace you gave me, i can't bring myself to get rid of it. it's the last piece of you i have. i wonder if you still have my baby picture. you might've burned it. but that wouldn't have been the first time you burned me.

when you left, things were such a ******* mess. everything hurt and neither of us knew what to do, so you left me in a state of disaster, frantically running around searching for you in my mind even though i know you aren't there.
but what really kills me is that you said you would stay with me through everything, and you had the audacity to leave right when things got bad. i needed you and you weren't there, even though you said you would be.
now i'm left listening to sad, miserable songs and writing ****** poems to try and make up for your loss.

I hope you appreciate him and his presence as much as I do. I hope you find the spaces between his fingers, just like I always wanted to. I hope you know how much I loved him... oh how I loved him. I loved the way he listened to me when I had something to say and I loved how soft spoken he was. He always knew the right words to say... and I hope he finds the most beautiful words to say to you. I hope you find him incredibly **** in that dark navy blue shirt with that silver tie... but know that we had so many memories together and those will never fade. I loved him with every ounce of my being and he never truly saw it. So now... I guess it's time for me to move on. This is the 6th time i've tried to get over him and no other attempts have been successful... i guess if you love something you should let it go right? And if it comes back to you its yours... and if not it was never yours to begin with? What if he comes back but just to check in? Ahh.. probably not. But as you are loving him, just remember that I loved him as much as I could and now loving him has broken me into little pieces. I will always have a spot in my heart for him if he ever decides to come back... make sure he remembers that. Kelsey, i hope you know how much it hurts me to write this. He was my source of happiness for the past 8 months, and i've come to find that it'd be best to let him go. Letting go has proven to be one of the hardest things I've ever tried to withstand. Sometimes I like to wonder what he's doing. Is he playing 2048 like we always used to? Is he entering grades? Is he watching that Bates Motel show that he educated me on one day? The possibilities are endless, and I'm hoping none of them involve you. You might have been wondering why I fell in love with him, and to be honest with you, i'm currently wondering that myself. Out of all people... a band teacher. More specifically, him. It's getting late, so i should stop writing and thinking about him, but I want you to remember this; he was once mine, but i was never his. If you ever find yourself in that type of situation, you will have felt what i felt.

let me start off by apologizing to you for introducing myself as the person you'll get to know to love. for being the person you would've walked in front of a bus for.

5/27/16 3:28AM
I thought that the ones who left before you had burned me to a crisp, but your absence completely burned my whole body and all I am is ashes. I loved you with every piece of me and all I can do now is think about how you're dealing with your losses and if you're alright. sometimes when I'm lonely, I smother my face in your clothes because every stitch has a memory of you intertwined in it.

5/28/16 12:58PM
last night I tried to drink myself to death because I missed you too much. I told our friends that I was sorry and that I needed to do it. I locked myself in the bathroom and I drank and drank until I woke up in a pool of my own bile. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I love you.

6/17/16 1:52AM
I don't know why, but I really miss you tonight. I still love you, regardless of what you say to me. this is either gonna turn out incredible and astounding or absolutely devastating. I'm ready for either.

6/28/16 3:25PM
it's been two years since my best friend died and you told me that you were here for me, even if it didn't seem like it. I remembered the night when I went home and you called me to make sure I was alright. when I said no, you stayed on the phone with me as I cried and laughed. I didn't even think I was capable of laughing that night. I miss how things were. I still love you always.

7/7/16 12:48AM
you told every ******* person at that bonfire that i'm in love with you still. I took my clothes back and we argued in the car. it had never happened until that night. you threw my clothes in my face while you walked away crying and i'll never forgive myself for not going after you and apologizing. you ****** me over but I still love you.

7/15/16 6:36PM
I'm home now and I'm clean. now that I can see what you did to me, and by writing this out, I realize that you never deserved my love. I deserve better. I deserve someone who gives me as much as I give them. I wanted the world for you, and I still do, but I'm not gonna be there when it starts on fire.

7/20/16 12:08AM
I burned your sweatshirt and deleted everything of us off my phone. I deleted your number. I deleted you. I don't love you anymore.

sometimes I wrap a blanket around my broken soul, and it reminds me of how I used to dream of your embrace, then I take the blanket off because the dreams come rushing back, when I've tried so hard to get rid of them. I would keep loving you, but it's become so painful that I needed to let you go. sometimes letting go is hard, other times not so much. letting you go has proven to be one of the hardest things I'll endure, but I'm getting through it, little by little. its taken me awhile to get it through my head that you aren't mine anymore, and that was one of the hardest parts. ridding my mind of the thought of you was also hard, and I'm working on it. there's so much to try and push out of this steel trap I call my mind, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take the pain. and even though you have no desire to come back, there's a spot in my heart for you. feel free to ruin me again, because it would be an absolute pleasure having my heart, mind, and soul broken by you, yet again.