who was I one year ago?
a sad little drugged up ***
no one taught me anything
I was so desperate, so eager to please
please don't go, stay with me
I'll do what you want, give you anything
everyone took advantage
of my biggest defect
I don't know how to say that word
I'm programmed to talk but not to be heard
I can't stand up
I don't fight back
but if I was Marty McFly
I'd take it all back
I'd save myself
from my biggest heartaches
the worst mistakes
I've ever made
I wouldn't be so troubled now
so negative and bent
maybe I'd be loved right now
if I hadn't hurt all of them
but **** it all
I'll just get high
fly to the moon
and drown in the sky.


*s.mndi

play me that song
that you wrote long ago

that you thought I forgot
but every word I still know

sing it to me till I fall fast asleep
let it be the last memory of you that I'll keep.


*s.mndi

I want to come together with you
so close
that the chemistry between us
so hot and dense
is enough to coalesce
to form new stars
new galaxies
a whole new world all our own.
Enough to trigger the most brilliant Supernova
so we may live
on the brightest new star
in the celestial sphere.
And then
I want the entire universe built
in the image of you.
All the forests will be done
in the redwood brown color of your eyes.
The freckles in your skin
become the comets in the sky
and the lines on the palms of your hands
become the basis for all the constellations.
The mountains are formed in homage
to the shape of your spine.
The color of your pale white skin
is who to thank for the moon's soft glow.
While the fire in your heart
is how the sun learned how to burn.
And both, too brilliant to lay eyes on.
The waves in the oceans
like the waves in your hair.
The clouds in the sky
as white as your sparkling smile.
The sparks that fly
when our lips come to meet
will be the second Big Bang
sweeping us off our feet
and our world will be born
surrounded with you
and the best part of it all
it's a world just for two.


*s.mndi

The stars that fall
from the sky so blue
well they learned it all
watching me fall for you.


*s.mndi

How could you not fall for
an angel like her?
nobody in their right mind,
not a single person could resist
all that she is and comes with,
h*eaven and hell alike.


s.mndi

My brother, it's as if we're speaking of a ghost
when we speak of you.
Your name
constantly accompanied by
"remember when"s and "I miss"es.
But you're not gone,
you're just away
on a little trip that turned
into an extended stay.
But it's no vacation paradise.
It's like you took a one way flight
into a bird cage
and you watched the door slam shut
right behind you
with nothing you or I could do.
And it pains me to see
because you're such a free spirit
but they strapped a name tag to you
and made you their pet.
Threw you in with the convicted rest
until you rebelled
and they kept you by yourself.
Well over a year spent in solitude
and when they let you out
you weren't the same.
And mom, she wasn't either.
I swear I saw her flinch every time she heard your name.
Little brother, he's the spitting image of you.
Like he's trying to make up for your loss.
A stand in
a mini me
every time he laughs it's your face I see.
He wears your hat every single day
and it breaks my heart
he wants to be just like you
and I pray he doesn't take after your bad parts too.
You're coming home soon
and as happy as I am
I'm scared to death it won't be long
before you're back at it again.
Rehabilitated is an empty word
you know what it means but it's something you've never heard.
You are what you will always be.
Even if what you're not is free.


*s.mndi

The sun came up
I came to
you looked at me
I couldn't look at you
you drove me home
we said goodbye
I went inside
tried not to cry
I checked my phone
no text, no call
my eyes got wet
I let them fall
tears began to pour
I could feel my heart break
I cried on the floor
til it turned into a lake
I went for a swim
had a bottle of wine
your life went on
and so did mine.


*s.mndi

You didn't know what to say anymore.
So you didn't.
You picked up your guitar
and you played for me some more.
You sang for me
songs we'd danced to before.
And it hurt but I smiled
and listened to you.
You played all my favorite songs
that were all your favorites too.
I watched you
you, with your eyes closed shut.
The petals fell from the sunflowers
and your room got dark and cold.
You sang songs you'd written in rehab
that you swore weren't written for other girls
but when you sang them
your eyes got still
and I could swear you were remembering someone.
That was our last night together.
And I didn't know it at the time,
but that was the last music I would hear.


*s.mndi

Funny how a photograph can pump blood
I only have one of you, it isn't mine
it sits here backlit
shared with all that would gladly drown in those mischief eyes.
Your smile, a moment of calm, a second of perfection caught, always brings my own.
There is no beauty like yours, no work of art has ever made me want to overflow with passion the way you do. I could write countless poems, a thousand odes to your dimples, a million sonnets to your curls, a billion lovesongs to your eyes to no avail. So I'll laugh at your jokes, and be a sturdy shoulder, a friend.  I'll wish the best for you always, while your heart keeps my secret safe. Poets shouldn't fall in love with the unloved, there aren't enough words to describe the agony.