'So what do you want to do?'
I'd tell you that I, friend, want to do
whatever it is that you want to do
but can I be honest for a change?
I want to take the longest hottest coldest shower
in a bathtub where I can drown myself
And when I'm done rubbing my skin raw;
I want to break everything that I've ever loved
the way everything I've ever loved has broken me
(into so many pieces that I can't quite find myself anymore)
and then
I want to cry like the world is coming to a ******* end
because my world really is
I want to mourn the loss of my past and the decay of my present
cry waterfalls for all the pain I've been damming up inside of me
turn my arms into a canvas of red
each slash a reminder of the
many losses
many mistakes
many insecurities
that I can't seem to absolve myself of
and when I am finally done with all of that...
I want to be no more.

The only trouble with expectation is,
it crawls invisibly into your skull and
paints vivid pictures in your brain and
promises your heart happiness and
gets you to actually trust someone and
makes you wait for something you should be able to give yourself (but can't) and
snakes around your chest and
crushes you with its full weight when
it
doesn't
happen

oops, did I say 'only'?

waking up
enveloped by your
warm breathing body,
cocooned in this
warm cosy bed;
with hazy late-night dreams
filtered by the morning rays
smoke in our hair and
memories in our eyes,
goodmorning kisses and a
reluctance to break this
embrace
you, me, us, this -
the perfect *morning fix.