I wish there was a manual
Telling me what to say
A speech to give to someone
To not push them away

I wish someone wanted me
The way I wanted them
Someone to fall in love with
My loneliness to stem

"You'll find someone" they tell me
But I don't want to wait
I want to find someone now
But no, I'll have to stay

The search is never over
I'll look for all my days
Who knows if I will find someone
To be my hope and stay?

It's easy for everyone
Else, they've all found they're love
A perfect match for perfect ones
A match made up above

They don't get to say that
I'll "find someone someday"
It's easy to look out on me
And with confidence say:

"You'll find your special someone
He's out there somewhere, dear"
I don't want him to be "out there"
•
•
•
•
I want him to be here.

Tired and sleepy
aren't the same thing

Sleepy
is when he kisses her on the cheek
Tired
is when it's too much to speak

Sleepy
is when whispered in her ear
"sweet dreams my love"
Tired
is when she cried into her pillow
"he is my nightmare"

Tired and sleepy
aren't the same thing

You told me to give you respect because you're older than me.
You've also told me to forget your age, it's just a number, it doesn't really matter.
It especially doesn't matter when you're ******* me.
It doesn't matter when you're asking me to send you nudes.
It doesn't matter when you're taking off my clothes.

You speak to me like I'm a silly little kid, and yet, you yell at me when I question why you do things with younger girls.

You command me like a father, yell at me like a mother, look at me like I'm a child, and only recognize my maturity when you absolutely have to.
*******.

I get why my mom says she hates my father, but she still keeps him around. I want to call it love, but it’s not love... It’s fear. Fear of losing people, and the enormous fear of being all alone. It’s terrifying how willing people are to put up with people who treat them like ****. When you're scared, it's easy to believe it's the last time they'll cheat, even though you've said that the last three times.  It's easy to pretend it never happened, even when you've seen the proof.  You want to believe you aren't just one of many.   You want to believe you're special.  You want to believe it's love.
****,
I want to believe it's love.
But, it’s not.
People say love is strong, but I think fear is a little stronger.

I want to feel
the clink of your
teeth against mine
when your kisses
were too rough
for my rose-petaled lips

I want your fingertips
to trace the scars lining
my thigh while your
mouth explores the
terrain I myself
have yet to cultivate

I want you to find happiness
in the intimate crevices
of my body
that have yet to
hear the words:
“You’re beautiful.”
muttered and caught in
them for safe-keeping

I want this moment

here

forever

to attach itself to
my being so I can
at least remember
you at your most
vulnerable

and not when you
vanish into the
gray dawn that always
held ghosts for me -DDF