You’ve told me that i’m your best friend.

You’ve told me that you’re in love with me.

You’ve told me i’m the only thing that makes you happy.

You’ve also told me that you don't need me.

You’ve told me to go away.

You’ve told me to never talk to you again.

You’ve told me that I stress you out.

You’ve told me I make you feel lonely.

You’ve told me you don’t care about me.

You’ve told me you’d **** me.

But, you’ve also said you don’t give a **** about me, and that you never did.

I can't believe one thing you've said, without believing the rest.

When we first met you told me I had bad habits.
I bit my nails when I was anxious,
I bounced my knee when I did something wrong.
I wasn’t very confident.
I took your words to heart,
and I tried changing those habits.
I hoped you’d notice each time I didn’t do them,
each time an alternative arose.
As I focused more and more on pleasing you than myself,
you grew distant.
I kicked myself ****** on my own two feet.
I attempted to be strong,
strong enough to love you when you couldn’t love yourself,
but it wasn’t enough.
It took me a while to adjust once you left.
Most of those habits returned.
I grew to accept them.
The few habits I dropped for good are the ones I don’t miss.
I suppose my worst habit of all of them was
loving you.

196 lb
average male weight
ego not included

156 lb
average female weight
although one spoken sentence hits like a ton of bricks

20 lb
unsaid words,
searing, left in your throat

10 lb
“It won’t happen again”
guns for vocal chords

40 lb
a dead car battery

25 lb
for every bullet he left inside her spirit

a scale says 167 pounds
body mass measured
heavy heart unaccounted

19.30 g
roughly the weight of a wedding ring
she’s seen three removed from three different fingers

1.5 g
enough for six rotations
enough to feel zero

1.5 oz
enough for a shot
take six to feel a hundred

10 million tons
the weight of a star

10 million tons
the thought of her

we are loaded
dense
filled

made-to-break
paper-made
carbon-bounded
­heart-strung
fire-resistant

the weight we carry is not the
numbers on the scale
we are much more than the pounds we gain
the aches that we hold
the tears that did not fall

living with a hallowed heart does not make it any less heavier

these light words were not meant for these paper limbs
gravity could care less

we are pressured
felt
squeezed
until broken
forevermore

built strong
lasts shortly
bulldozed by just one fallowed swoop
we are demolished

you could build your vessel as ravenous and as merciless as you can
only to be held down by the world
we are defied

measured
counted
hated
loved
we are

Hearing your mom cry is the worst thing in the world. My mom cried for a year straight. At least, that’s what it felt like. She would try to hide it from me. Lock herself in the bathroom, and turn the shower on. She would come out with dry eyes, and a smile on her face. Coincidentally, the way she hid her tears was the same way I did. Sometimes we would both be in the bathroom, her in the upstairs bathroom, and me in the downstairs one. In a way we were doing it together, and it was comforting.

Remember that I was the one from day one.
Maybe not in a romantic way, but
In a way that made you feel something.

What if I was just an idea, or
Some sort of daydream you tried to make real?
It's okay.
However I am not a daydream.
There's nothing poetic about me.

I am uncertain of where I am, and
I walk like my steps are secrets; on my toes.
Although don't get that confused with "lost".
I may not be trustful of the dirt I am in, but
I know where I'm going. Just like how
I may not know the exact coordinates of
A helium balloon, however,
I do know that it can only go up.

So, my dear, as you spend your time with her and
As you write about how she will leave you eventually,
Remember that people can bring comfort but
They are not medicine.
She cannot give you back anything that was taken away from you.
So that piece that I have?
You can't get it back.

She is not the answer, or the problem, or the reason.
She is a human with feelings, and as you wonder why she can't
Understand you...
Consider that there may be parts of her that are no longer there, too.

She is not your miracle, or your dream, or your most desired wish.
She is a girl. A human being.

Remember this, because
This is what you forgot when you held me.

you tell me I'm smart
that I'm strong
that i can do it

but how can i be smart when i can't do simple math
how can i be strong when some days i can barely drag myself out of bed
how can i do it when i can't eat my breakfast

you tell me I'm pretty
that I'm fine
that it will be okay

but how can i be pretty when i look in a mirror i see someone who is not me
how can i be fine when life seems grey and dull
how can it be okay when the days drag on and on and i just want to sleep

you tell me you love me
that I'm safe
that I can live

but how can you love someone as broken as me
how can i be safe when I'm with myself
how can i live when i can barely survive

you tell me that you'll be there for me
that you'll always be here
that no matter what ill have you

but how can you be when you don't understand what going on
how can you be here when i can say the same
how can i always have you when I'm afraid of scaring you off

you tell me lies and i can't tell you that i don't believe you
because it would hurt you
and i can't do that
im so sorry
but i just can't believe