I watched you leave me like you left everyone else
I think you forgot I was human
You thought you could just fade out
But when I give my speech at graduation,
I will deliberately leave holes where you should be
All the places we've been
That was us!
Together
You can't just decided to walk away
You have to say something
You have to stitch yourself shut
You shot me and left me with my hand over the bullet wound as if I could stop any bleeding
You didn't want me to die and you figured I'd figure it out
I will never admire you again
You will never be the god I though you were
You're just a wooden carving, just a story told to children to make then behave
But you aren't human

It's funny
How I haven't given up yet
I eep saying I will
But then I don't
I want you to be ok
But I can't help you
Helping you
Hurts me
I don't want to help you anymore
But there you are,
Sitting next to me
Oh gosh
Why can't you walk away?
Your voice grinds my soul
You click your tounge
And bang on the table
And it hurts me
You are the only one that hurts me.
I am screaming at you to stop
I'd grab your wrist
So that you can't hit it
But you have me in a glass tank

I am so trapped with you
So beaten
And so broken
But I want you to be ok.
I watch my words
And hold my tounge
And pray for the end of school
If it helps you to understand
the agony you put me through,
I am not religious.

I am your little girl
I do what you ask
I play your games
You rule me with fear,
Because you're bigger than me.
Well,
You think you are
I can't get away,
Because you are my safe harbor
(For the moment)
You flip like a switch
Faster than I can escape

I am your little girl
I blush when we speak
I want to tell you as I learn
Of all the wonders we can share
I want to look pretty when you see me,
And I love seeing you!

You
have broken all of your promises
I
think you have done enough damage
to yourself
and to me
I do not want to see you anymore
I do not want you
to read my writing,
to support me
at all.
I have to scream for you to listen
and even then
you just laugh.

I didn't realize
How upset I was
Until I noticed I was crying
In the hallway
I was slipping on my shoes
And praying that you wouldn't touch me
I was messing with my hair
My thoughts tossing around in my skull
I was whispering
And apparently you couldn't hear me
I wasn't saying much
I didn't want to
I wanted to walk out the door
And keep going
I know the ground
And I don't want to know you.

I looked down at the field of cigarette butts and broken glass I was walking across
I would have laid down right there,
Even if the tiny fires hadn't gone out yet
We have to drag our corpses just a little bit further.

If she came to me in a dream,
I sure as hell didn't notice
But she's here now
Hauling herself along side me
She doesn't carry any of the weight

I was heavy in my sneakers
Heavy across the joints in my knees
So heavy, my hair sagged as if it were wet
We stood there, on the edge of anything
Holding hands, kissing oxygen
She was tired

I inhaled the silence
We had used up everything,
Left nothing for the return trip
A sharp contrast to my conservative, planning self
I gave in to fear, threw up, let my hands tremble
She died, here, holding my hand. At least she wasn't alone this time

I cursed her name, the soles of her shoes, her chipping nail polish
If she came to me in a dream, I sure as hell didn't notice

And you can do that
You are free to leave at any time, just
Don't expect me to follow you

I imagine you taking my hand and spinning me
Like my daddy did when I was a little girl
I imagine my dress flaring like it does when I dance around the kitchen
When I remember the night my father showed me how to Waltz
And I kept stepping on his feet,
I remember how for a few seconds, I swore he was you
Somedays, You're just a passing daydream
Somedays, I need you more than I need to breathe
Somedays I can't breathe without you
I understand that the walls came crashing in
And time slowed down
And we let ourselves break
But we're still standing
You're eyes still look like galaxies
And if you were here right now,
You'd still be holding my hand

I’m going to relapse tomorrow.
So I’m going to breathe in this moment where I am not in pain
I am going to touch and feel and understand right now
Because I can,
Right now, for the next few hours, I can be an entire human being

I’m going to relapse tomorrow
You’d think it’d be relieving to get a warning inscribed in your genetics,
Building patterns,
To “prepare”
But I cannot be prepared to open my eyes in the morning and see television static
To get out of bed and leave my arm behind
To fall off the leg that can’t hold my weight anymore

I’m going to relapse tomorrow
All I do is dread the pseudo-pain that creeps in when I can see again
You want to talk about fake?
Talk about nurses blowing veins
Talk about nightmares about hospital gowns
Talk about being afraid to ask for a seat on the subway because your illness isn’t real enough

I’m going to relapse tomorrow because that’s how this goes
This in and out like the ocean got angry again
Like I will never run marathons
You can’t run on a numb ankle
You can’t run on exhaustion and giving up
I can’t run on missed birthday parties

I’m going to relapse tomorrow, and I’m terrified
Because I’ve given up on my body before
Because the rest of the world can touch without pins and needles
The rest of the world runs on people can run constantly
I’ve been rusty since age seven,
I was built like an iphone
Meant to break and be thrown away so you’ll buy a new one

I know that I’m going to relapse tomorrow. I know, I know, I know,
I know.

I imagine you taking my hand and spinning me
Like my daddy did when I was a little girl
I imagine my dress flaring like it does when I dance around the kitchen
When I remember the night my father showed me how to Waltz
And I kept stepping on his feet,
I remember how for a few seconds I swore he was you

To be brutally honest,
It hurts like hell knowing that you aren't here
I walk into school every morning without you.
Ever since December,
Ever since December

Sometimes you're
A passing dream,
Or a fading memory
A fading memory
Some days I need you more than I need to breathe
Somedays I can't breathe without you

I'll cry all night if I have to.
I can't shake the feeling that I'm imperfect
And for some reason,
That still matters

I really messed up today
It's like that nightmare
Where I end up with no friends
Except it's real
And I am terrified
I feel like I'm in a room
And I just did a terrible thing
And everyone is just staring at me
Waiting for me to say something
But instead I just run out of the room
I ran out of a classroom crying the other day
But it wasn't the same
It wasn't this bad
I wasn't this scared
You all keep staring
Would you cut that out?
I don't eve know what I did wrong!
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry!
I'M SORRY!

Like holding on to clouds;
There's nothing there
Like tripping over your own feet
Like singing to an empty ampitheatre
Like talking when everyone has left the room
Like reaching for the stars
You can't touch
In my mind,
We're holding hands.

I am shockingly aware
Of what time it is
Of the muscles I didn't stretch well enough
Of the grammatical mistake I made in that text message six hours ago
Of the fact that I didn't tell you I love you today
Of my hair ******* too high
Of my shorts being too small and my tanktop too large
Of the brightness on my cellphone not having a setting low enough to accomodate my headache
Of which direction my boyfriend is from here
(I don't think he like my teddy bear)
Of the motorcycle that just drove by
Of my fan that doesn't have an in-between setting
Of the bruises and bug bites on my legs
Of the burn on my hand from chemistry
Of that fact that you are asleep already
Of the fact that I just so happen to be the last person awake in my family
Of every time my dog breathes in and out
Of how tired I am but if I tried to sleep, my brain would laugh at me
Of how alone I must be right now because no one else I know forgot to pick up a prescription and thus must lay here, awake all night
Of how beautiful it feels to close my eyes
Of how limited and scarce sleep is
How gentle and warm.

You know that feeling
When you're falling asleep
And you can hear the television
You understand the words
But
They just don't exist with you
It's so peaceful
Because everybody's talking
But
You don't have to
You don't have to try anymore
You are allowed to give up on today
I'm giving up on today
I'll text you in the morning

Wild wasn't quite the right word,
I don't think there really is one
But here she is, dragging me three steps behind her

My heart tried to tug itself out of my body half the time
But my ribcage held fast
Seriously, this was the worst time and place to be kissing a girl
There were police on either side, and her sign in between us
But our picture made the front page

I didn't know that girls could look this good in dresses
But there she was, long leg peeking through a slit
Long hair gently gracing her shoulder blades with its presence
I was suddenly part of her body
I was in the ballroom, I had her spinning around to the entire orchestra,
Just her and I,
And all I had done was touched her hand

Her toes melted seamlessly into the grass
You couldn't tell where the earth ended and she began
I saw all four seasons on her lips
Like she was falling backwards into a pile of leaves in her best floral dress and sunglasses and scarf
I held the side of her face, gently as if she would crumble at my touch but fly away at her release
All I could see in her eyes was freedom

She was humming in the kitchen, making some sort of fruity frozen iced tea
And I remembered every second I had ever spent with her, all at once
All of the high school dances and the years of "keeping in touch,"
(And all of the years that we didn't...)
I had never felt so genuine as standing there, basking in everything I could have ever wanted
Taking her in as if she might melt and water the flowers with her sincerity
This
Is why we invented kissing

Have you seen me in your dreams?
Was I dancing
Or writing
Or working
Or playing
Was I singing or darting around?
Was I me in your dreams?

I'll listen to the end of my favorite poem
While I undo my hair
And get ready to sleep
And then it's over
But I do it back up again
Because I'm not ready to go to sleep
I am so afraid of the nightmares and no one will listen anymore
I think I lost some friend today
Three or four
Out of seven
Seven people who I know
But who don't know me
Seven people who I'm not afraid to talk to
Because I don't think I'll ***** it up
But I think I ******* it up today
Why don't you just throw my efforts off a cliff?
I'm not ready to go to sleep and face todays mistakes
I'm not ready to start making mistakes tomorrow
Before most people are even awake
I want you to show up right now so I can apologize and maybe be asleep a few seconds sooner
Maybe I won't sleep at all tonight
Because I don't want to wake up with no friends
I really messed this up.

I should have fought like hell
I should have taken your face in my hands and kissed you all over
I should have woken up
This whole thing is a mess
I was supposed to be the eye of the hurricane, not the impetus
I should have promised
Should have sewn the soles of my shoes into the earth and locked myself down
I should have fought-

I love the strong wind
It feels soft on my face
It feels
Free
It doesn't hold me where I stand
It doesn't control me
It doesn't make suggestions
And it doesn't make mistakes
It's so
Fascinating
How it roles about
And you can't even see it.
It just is.

I know it's you
All of the fake names and the smoke
I'm choking and maybe it's making me crazy
But I swear it's you
After all this time, you still sound just like you
Like all you've ever written is your own name in permanent marker
Over and over again
I swear it's you

I will be up all night tonight.
But I will not want to talk
I will not want to think, either
But I will anyway
Because things are going to happen tomorrow,
And those things could go wrong
And the more I think it,
The more I believe
Because
Cogit ergo sum
I think therefore I am
More like
I think therefore I will be
Which is the same as
I think and stuff is going to happen
I think bad things could happen
So therefore
They will.

He asked me if talking to him about you made me feel better.
I told him that I didn't know, because I don't know what better feels like.
He told me that it would feel like a weight coming off my shoulders
I told him that I didn't know.
I told him that I think about you all the time
I told him that I write about you
I told him that everything helps a little,
I guess
And I may not know it now,
But maybe it does

I noticed it was midnight
Funny how nothing really penetrated my thoughts until now
Funny how I almost remembered I have a test to study for
And people I should have emailed
It's like when you walk into a room and forget why you're there
Except I've been sitting here for hours, staring at the wall
I'm starting to think you won't come back
And usually, that single thought takes over me
It ruins me and all my other ideas
But today,
It unlocked the box I've been living you
I'm trying to let you be gone
And it's okay,
It's actually okay, right now.

I wanted you to feel something
When I walked away
Because of how much you hurt me
But you didn't

I am asking very nicely
And sitting very pretty
I am sitting in my palace made of words
And thoughts.
It is here my mind is at rest
Except that it's not.
It is here that I am free to think on my own accord
Until somone shatters the windows
Made of restful harmony
My mind is in sync
With my body
My feet know the ground
I can see no obstacles in the distance
And the distance is bright
But when someone sends for me,
My walls shatter
As if glass.
But who am I
To equate words to glass?
Words are so frail
So easily pulled apart
As I am pulled out of my world
Of free speech and free opinions
I am now clouded
With empathy
And the judgement of others.
The verdict is never in my favour.
I have learned to hold together
When my comrades cannot
So that I can hold them together, too.
Because I know
I can watch the stars from my window.
Whatever it is,
It is alright.
I will soon be back in my palace
Made of words
And thoughts
And this time,
I will lock the door.

I wonder if
You're waiting
For me to go to sleep
To **** yourself.

I don't write you love letters anymore
Remember the back and forth between us?
I hate that that has to end:
I wonder why it had to end
But I won't write you poems
Or loves letters
I won't write for you anymore

PARTICLE ACCELERATION!
I have given up on the chaos today,
I shout at people, because maybe if I make them mad enough,
They won't talk to me
I want to be in physics class right now.
I want to be in love.
He's the only voice I want to hear;
The only face I want to see.
But really,
I'm tired and I just want to go to sleep.

Love is not your heart
Beating rrally really fast
It is calm and peaceful
And serene
Love is not flying,
It is knowing that you aren't going to fall.
It's not kissing under the tree,
It's climbing it!
It's not a chaotic mess
It is knowing that where you stand is stable,
Just for a little while
So you can test your footing
And shake it up again
And I assure you
It is not perfection
Because perfection isn't real.
A moment can be flawless
But then it's gone
Because right now can't last forever
But we can.
Love
Is not all those girls
In their pretty pink dresses
And the glass slipers
With their pretty pink hearts
It doesn't have to be a fairy tale ending
To be just as close to perfect
As they are.

My laptop has longer days than I do
When I was a nursing assistant, I let my heart break for the woman crying over her late husband
Her husband died three years ago, but she only found out while I got her dressed
She’ll find out again tomorrow when someone else gets her up and she asks where he is
I did my clinical practice on the Alzheimer’s unit
At 3:17, Ingrid will stop asking me who I am, and where she is
She will thank me by name for getting her dressed
She’ll apologize for refusing to eat her breakfast
She doesn’t know what got into her

My computer is watching me cry in my college bedroom
It is telling me to stop asking for permission
It is giving me advice I will continue to ignore
I have to make a decision
I can pull up my homework or an Ed Sheeran song
My computer recommends a playlist based on my location
It’s music from home. My computer’s heart broke for the woman crying in an office chair over something she can’t remember.

Your words should echo your thoughts
Sounding only of the highlights
I think such wonderful things in the shadows
Last night,
I showed my little sister the stars
I let my unedited thoughts
Flow into her head
Everything I stand for
She could see
And maybe she didn't understand it yet
But someday,
She will be able to think wide open
Because we are not limited
To our own sky
There could be trillions of skies out there.
And she could be the one to find them.
I showed her Venus
And told her how orbits work.
And we sang songs till we had to go to
Sleep.

Her plait was just as much a part of her as the vertibrae it brushed against

All I can see in my head is her running away from me

I didn't lie down that night
I sat up by the muted television
I closed my eyes and listened to nothing
I just didn't lie down

It's not that I didn't want her to be happy
I just thought that I was more interesting than a highway
I thought her furniture looked better in our apartment than her car
But she thought otherwise

I'm still listening to nothing
It's still not morning
She's still not here

I'm still not in bed

I keep imagining laying across the road
I keep forgetting that she wasn't the sun and I wasn't made for her
She left to chase down her own stars
I wasn't her star
So I didn't lie down that night
I didn't give up to become part of the pavement

I opened my eyes to the muted television
And the empty room, and my desk in the corner
It isn't much, I can't afford much, but she's living in her car right now
She's somewhere out West sitting up on the side of the road

I stayed here. My stars are here. But I'm sitting just as straight.

She always smiled as she left
She said it was because she was looking for next time, and there always was a next time,
Until we graduated high school and she said she was moving to Texas
As far away as possible, she said
I loved her sleek ponytail and her blue eyes
I remember her as an apparition, walking out my front door
Smiling gracefully, over and over
She didn't smile when she left for Texas
I think she made a mistake
I don't understand how a girl from the coast of Maine can live like that
The heat and the desert
All she's ever known is snow
I remember one time her parents let me sleep over with her because of a storm
Her pajamas were soft and we came down with the same cold two days later, but nobody asked questions
I was convinced that we were going to be together
She wanted to be in the Navy
I joined up yesterday
She said she just wanted something exciting
But she was the most exciting thing I'd ever seen, all packaged into a human being
She didn't have to go
Any school would've taken her and we could have had a life right here
I miss her
She sends me pictures of her and her tan friends in stupid hats and I hate her so much now and
I save every single one

She didn't leave to leave him,
She left to leave