We danced on the cliff you and I. Born of love and light. Bred of sadness and darkness. Melted together, alone but alive. Our love smelled of the earth and of the chalk and the timelessness of it all. And I think now of all the lovers who have stood where we stood. Of all of the stories of love and loss that have roots in the chalk beneath our feet, above our heads held close together preserving our perfect quiet world. I wonder how many arms clung tight to each other against the future stretching out like the channel before us. And I wonder about the thousands of years these cliffs have been stage to the greatest dramas of so many lives. Were any of them as torn as I was? Does my misery, my sadness, my loss and confusion mingle with theirs now? Is my heartbreak their company in the mist? How many of them had to watch the love of their life disappear into the English fog like I had to watch you go? I yearn for that love. For the power of it. I ache for it to fill me once more like the sea salt and mist that settles over, I strive for the way it felt when you stood next to me in Dover.

She has been burnt and scarred.
From long days in purple mountain sun.
There are scars from battles I've won.
There are lines from where it has been marred.
I trace the precious lines of my many tattoos.
My ink, my story, my battle paint.
I suppose they don't really tell the story of a saint.
Then there are the bruises of beautiful blacks and blues.
Earned from long hard days at work and play.
She has stretched over heartbreaks and Thanksgiving dinners.
But these curves aren't for beginners.
Only the bold can travel on this carnal highway.
I have been both proud and ashamed of her.
She has been poked, prodded and grabbed.
She has been caressed and stabbed.
She isn't for some amateur.
I have hated and adored this temple I am in
She has been strong and weak.
She has been radiant and bleak.
But I am proud of this skin.

I don't know if you will ever read this,
but I'll leave it here in case you do.

I'm sorry I could not bring myself to answer you.
When you called, I could not come back.
There was too much said, not enough done, and yet nothing we could do.

But because of you I now know all the things I lack.
You recited them almost daily like a mantra I could not compete with.
No amount of perfect, no amount of coffee in the mornings, could save me from your attack.

I tried my best to be the ship that you need.
To bring in you in from open ocean,
but now I see the signs I couldn't read.

I love you until I die I promise you this,
but I can't be the one who saves you.
There is no magic kiss.

I see now that the love I need is stable.
I see now the work you have to do.
I see the help you need and I know I will never be able.

I still hope that one day you will see,
see the wonderful amazing human you can be.
If you just seek the truth and stop demanding others take the blame.
If you don't your loves will keep coming up lame.

For now you need someone who can care for you,
but never question you.
And that, my darling, is just not something I can do.
I cannot be your lover,
when what you're asking me to be is your mother.

I still find myself pausing each morning at my front door.
Hoping there will come a knock.
That you finally realized what all my words were for.
But I don't know what that would change,
unless your mind you can rearrange.

I love you honey.
But life has always been sickly funny.
That I should end up here, where my saga began.
And you sit in our nest, the place from where I ran.

I imagine you all alone, talking to my ghost.
And it brings me to my knees every time.
There is no victory here for me to boast.
Just another steep mountain for me to climb.

I beg you to think of all the things I have said.
To not let your heart lose to your head.
Forever and almost always,
eu te amo.