My mind has been warped
twisted and turned
like taffy in a candymaker's careful claws.
but this candy that I tried
isn't as sweet in my mind.
sugary sweet poison;
That's all it is.
Delicious and dreadful and deadly.
But oh how it tastes...
It's bittersweet some days.
I can't explain.
And it's an addiction
a love hate relationship
(a contradiction)
and I think I'm fighting it
but truthfully
I don't want to be.
I want to give in
and binge
on the sweet delicious taste
of my awful bitter disgrace.

I'm trying to be that fighter
that you all expect out of me
I'm trying to smile brighter
So you don't see
that this life
kind of feels like
it's burning a hole inside of me.
That I can't see
one step ahead for anything.
I'm hoping you don't actually see
the scars that are so obviously
A work of my own artisrty.
I'm hoping that you don't see
that I'm falling apart at the seams...
But I cant decide
if I want to fight...
I know I want to win the war
but I don't know much if I want to actually fight it anymore.
Daily
things are thrown at me
and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with these things.
And sometimes it's not even my own battle that I'm fighting.
But either way
It's all the same.
Every day.
A war that I'm waging.

I swear
all I ever am
to any man
or rather boy
I've ever known
is a distraction.
some action.
An attractive thing
with which they can bide their time
(What about mine?)
until something else comes along.
and trust me, that doesn't take very long.
And sometimes it makes me feel okay
sometimes it makes me feel worthwhile
until I realize
That it doesn't matter what I say
or do
it's always going to be a game
to them.
Those men
who look to me for a distraction.
a meaningless piece of action.
And then there's me
poor and weak and hopeless
(as if I didn't already know this)
expecting it to make me feel
anything more than worthless.
And sometmes I pretend that I can play,
that I, too, love this game.
but the truth is I hate it.
I hate the way it makes me feel
and I hate the person inside this shell
created by this personal hell
In which disreguard is all I get
and all Im left with is feeling like this.
Because I'm only ever looked to as a distraction
and a worthless piece of action.


So come one
come all
and push down the girl
who will so easily fall
for the boy with a good charade
that's all they ever are these days.

Hey, you
are stronger than you know
And I promise that it shows
Even if you don't see
You're more powerful than you think
You can acomplish anything
even when it feels like you're sinking.
you've got it in you
to prove
everyone wrong.
you. are. strong.
Please believe it.

I hate it when
People tell you what is true
As if it's a fact
Not a matter of opinion.
I hate it when they say,
"You never know."
Because they're right.
Yet, not really.
"You will never know"
When you'll meet the one.
Sure.
"You will never know"
What will change your life.
Okay.
"You will never know."
Just because I'll never know
What can and will happen
Or what can't and won't happen
Doesn't mean I can't live
Or plan
Or do something differently.
Never knowing is what allows us
To dream.

Everyone thought she was happy and some were even jealous. They thought she had everything and that her life was great the way she came to school always happy and joking around.


They thought she had it all, the grades, the friends, the humor, the boys.

They thought she had the best family because her mom was so funny and brought her lunch or the funny stories she could tell.

They thought she could do most if not anything because she was athletic and fit into any sport or activity she tried.

She was always called by them ,the girl who had so much energy, or, class joker.

What they didn’t know was she would always brace herself before getting out of the car to make sure she had on a smile or the tears in her eyes were hidden. Or even how before she got to class she had to sit on the bathroom floor and pray she could make through one more day.

What they didn’t know was when she joked about how her grades were slipping that she was terrified of what would be said when she got home.

What they didn’t know was she felt like she had no friends and that when she talked to someone she pleaded that they could see her story through her eyes.

What they didn’t know was the boy she liked never even knew her name and when he did he could never see her as anything other than that girl in some of his classes who always had the jokes.

What they didn’t know was she counted down every day at school till she would have to go home and hear the disappointment from her mom. How she counted down the hours, no, the minutes until she could get away from feeling unloved and not wanted.
How she prayed every night for someone to take her away from this place. How around family she was just that girl with the father who was never going to stay.

What they didn’t know was the only reason she was athletic was because she loved to feel everything that weighed her down get lifted off because she pushed herself to the breaking point to just forget about everything else.

What they didn’t know was the names they said all she wished was for her to have one person to call her friend.

But what they did know was that she was Miss Great who had most if not everything going for her.

Some people might say it’s that’s all that matters. What other people know. That they don’t need to know all of your business.

But what if that is what could have saved her. What other people did know.

But soon she’ll just start her day all back over and the process will repeat.

Maybe if you see that one person and look into their eyes you’ll see what they’re trying to tell you. What you can know.

Maybe, just maybe, you’ll see her.