my mind has been an empty chasm of forgotten words
i was a writer who can no longer write
a storyteller with no stories to tell
an artist with dried up paint and a broken easel
i forget that
i am also a person
a broken, timid person
once whole, once sure, once loved,
I can feel the blood running
through my veins and
it scares me
to be alive.
but weren't we supposed to fear death instead?
so i let my guard down
and i did.
"let me make you happy"
but there was pain
and it became all i knew.
"i love you"
but you hit me
and i didn't understand why.
"i won't hurt you"
liar liar liar.
"you wanted it"
did i really?
i believed you.
"you could have said no"
but i did,
you just never listened.
i can no longer distinguish pain from pleasure;
abuse from affection; contusions from caresses.
embraces could be delivered in tightly-clenched fists;
words of affirmation in abasement; trust in forced hands.
i can't tell the difference between love and hurt;
dark bruises and soft kisses; belittlement and support.
all i am familiar with now is the aftermath -
the tears, the marks, the aches;
hot showers soothing stinging skin, shaky knees and trembling hands;
the nauseating guilt; encapsulating, overwhelming fear
and the sickening inability to just walk away.
for every physical, emotional, and ****** abuse survivor out there.
you are so, so strong.
i'm not sure how-
how to break this cycle
the constant pounding in my head
the incessant whispers
the persistent hurt
the frustrating reiteration
each one more needless
fall after fall after f
it's just annoying.
it is midnight and
i am plagued by thoughts of you.
why won't you come home?
you are every midnight shot I should not have threw down my throat,
every syllable I should not have stammered out beneath
shy gazes and lowered eyelashes and chewed bottom lips.
you are every (in)coherent verse I could not keep
my shaky grip from messily scrawling across any blank page;
you are in every frustrated sigh,
every agitated run of fingers through messy hair,
every tear at 2am.
you were a whirlwind;
& I got dizzy trying to keep up.
but the dust (you stirred) has finally settled;
& you are nowhere to be seen.
bits of you thicken the air, leaving tears
to continue stinging in my eyes
I was unwilling and I am alone.
I guess you were never meant to stay.
you chase hurricanes,
when you can have the calm sea.
[ stay away from me ]
tell me again why the wind kissed the sea
remind me again why it wasn't the sky-
the sky's so pretty and perfect and calm,
but the choppy sea? please tell me why.
tell me again how the stars found the river;
there was no map written or drawn.
yet they drowned in her depths
leaving no stars left, and all I remember was the empty dawn.
tell me again which chapters she read
of the book he barely wrote-
what i don't get is how all these things
were said, when he never even spoke.
they s h o u t
and it feels like a million splinters
hit me in the chest, where it isn't
supposed to hurt.
they s t a r e
into thin air and the silence
is deafening and all I can
do is add to it.
they t a l k
but never to each other.
they're just like strangers;
two ghosts moving around
in one house.
they b r e a k
but I'm the only one broken, and
everyone smiles and tells me it's
just another fight.
they l i e*
and say that they're fine, and tell
me it's okay, and tell me it's stupid
that I don't believe that they love
it hurts more than they think.
I long to hear the constant
laughter in your voice, even
in bad times; because you
somehow knew all the right
times to smile, which
eventually caused the sun
to dull in comparison.
you could pluck the stars one-by-one from the sky, and they'd look like litter among your fingers.
I fell in love
with the way
your eyes light
up when you
speak, the way
your shirt falls
the way your
feet moved as
*I fell in love with
there is a struggle in all our hearts
there is a fight in all of us
there are strangers in our closet
and skeletons instead walk among us.
we are the beaten and the broken,
the weakened and worn (out).
but we still have two fists
and two shaky legs
and a barely beating heart.
and that's enough for a lifetime.
love is a marathon
and I just can't
are you still breathless?
the wind is caught in my throat,
and your words choke me.
we dove deep into
a world we once knew
where shadows and doubt
weren't out and about
where monsters didn't growl
and demons never prowled
and love was just
for me and you.
I can no longer write.*
My thoughts are a jumble and a mess.
My feelings are a thunderstorm.
I am a bottomless pit-
so full, so empty,
all at once.
I am unable to breathe
(like I used to).
The horizons are darker, and my heart is no more.
but this silly little child
fears to leave her
it's been a while.
i would want to live a fairytale
where you were the prince
and i the damsel in distress
awaiting the feel of your lips against mine
but this is reality
and i am no damsel
and you are no prince
and the touch of your lips
(and lovely fingertips)
has already brought me to
a happily ever after
happy happy happy.
we've got the ground below us when all we do is look up and wish we were one with the stars
*but don't we realize we already are?
oh what i would do
to feel the spark of your touch,
your soft skin against mine.
the warmth of your fingertips lightly brushing against my cheek
as you tuck a lock of hair behind my ear.
i would relish the butterflies in my stomach
as i look into your eyes with your burning gaze unbroken,
held by trust and comfort.
i would cherish every moment spent in the cradle of your arms
while you hold me against your chest
claiming me as yours and only yours,
can you safely say
that you have lived and laughed enough
can you confidently smile
without having to tuck in the deep convictions of your mind?
will you whisper to me the stories of your past
will you enchant me with the tears in your eyes?
your fragile heart will not be broken
the secrets of your mind unspoken
let me cradle your vulnerability to my wounded chest
so that we may mend each other in the process
who knew toxic fumes were so comforting?
we're humans who,
confide in pain and whisper secrets to the forgotten
why is it that
the flirtatious wisps of hurt
circle our minds and get in between our hair
and soothes every nerve in the body
when it isn't supposed to?
you're breathing again oh sweet lady
and that in itself is fear
who are we,
to take comfort in death?
you've held my hand and whispered against my cheeks
and though the dying wind may have bitten his last icy bite against the corner of my eyes
i no longer fear
as long as i am
the letter on my doorstep I never wished to open,
the word unwritten and the picture unspoken,
the breeze despised and the heat adored,
or the deepest jungles left unexplored,
the twisted note birds left unsung
or the race that no one really won?
the broken seal of a very old book
or a blown out candle
(because a breath was all it took)
*you were so many things I just couldn't see
there were so many you's
but only one of me.
it's been a while since I wrote a rhyming one.
a sickly society
and perhaps one day we wouldn't be so proud.
with my breath caught in my throat
because your fingers are wrapped around my neck
but so are your lips
my heart is ready to break
and so are my bones
but we are trapped in a peripheral moment
and if i may i'd like to utter one last word with our dying breaths:
you're so ******* beautiful
(but you're so unbelievably oblivious)
you'll never see the way your eyes glitter when you laugh
or the way your hair seems to sparkle in the sun
or the blood pumping in your heart
and the breath flowing in and out of your lungs
you're beautiful all over and around
**but you cut yourself up to let some beauty out
you're not perfection
(and never could be)
(though you see everyone that way indefinitely)
no one ever is
*(or ever could be)
we're lovely lovely people
living in a world of hate
and perhaps we don't realize
that all our dreams are fake.
just a blur of words in my head.
if we live and breathe words,
will we c?hoke on th?e questi?on marks
you were never supposed to hurt this much
they said love would be good for me
for the both of us.
you were supposed to be the breeze in my face as I strolled along the simple shores
not the tiny coarse grains of sand I didn't notice stinging my eyes
or the persistent wave constantly knocking me over
as I tried to savour the sea.
you were going to be the cool wind on a hot summer's day
not the heavy storm that drowned my garden
and the dark cloud obstructing the sun's light so my flowers were never allowed to bloom again.
you were pain
and your grip was endless
why did I think you could heal when you were the cause?
when the night hears you speak,
it can only scream back-
for they are monsters of your past,
and your bravery torments them.
they tell me not to believe in hell
or fear it, even
because "all good souls go to heaven"
but I never told them how wicked my soul is
and that hell was already in my head.
my lips whisper the thoughts of you in my head
but I close my ears to shut my own voice out
*(all I want to do is forget about you)
hair bleached, blonde, orange, ginger
(it's funny cos i'm not quite sure)
she brightens the rooms' darkest corners with just a mere twitch of her lips and her bright blue eyes and her giggle
it's perplexing how she doesn't see
(then again none of us do)
that she's as beautiful as the girl down the street
in fact even more
with every inch of skin and scar
it makes her prettier than anyone else
but the best part that no one else had
was the heart she held within herself.
tucked away and hidden,
like her arms always were under those huge school jumpers
she kept her soul and eyes away
from the nosy ones and lovely ones alike
despite them caring or not.
she always thought she'd never matter
to anyone else or even herself
but she failed to see the hearts and arms opening up to her
because she refused letting anyone in
(why katy why?)
so no more scars my lovely girl
put the blade away
don't even store it for those bleak rainy days.
because you're better than that all of this
because eventhough something in life may be amiss
there's always a gorgeous yellow sun to shine down on you
to light up your freckly face and your fluffy golden hair
and the scars are enough
so even though times are rough
your skin just needs a break
and so does your heart
though it may break apart
it will eventually come to its senses and piece back together.
you're oh so strong and one day a guy will come along
and you'd probably punch him in the face
but I hope that day would come soon
so I could see you giggle and swoon
over some white boy
(you better have good taste)
this pretty little flower
is such a blessing to me
and i'll never forget the trip we're going to plan
and i hope when we meet for tea perhaps
we'd still gush and laugh and rant
about things that mean too much about nothing
and we'd still be somewhat best friends
stressed and depressed but well-dressed is what they say
but i've only always seen her in ripped black tights and a short black skirt
*is it weird that we've never met but i feel like i've known her for years?
For dearest Katy Charlton, whom I've only known (online) for about two months now but has become such a close friend somehow. Sorry for this horrid piece of work (definitely not my best so I'll try to improve on future ones- I just could not see where it was going halfway then kind of ranted and tried to make it sound as poetic as possible) Anyway.
Despite being incredibly lonely irl, thank you for making me feel so cared for. You matter so much to me you don't even know. <3 we'll recover together okay. Love you, crumpet (bc british). **
you are beautiful,
but in the way that scares me-
like the end of a cigarette.
beautiful ashes that disperse in the wind
but warm to the touch
and causes scars when pressed against skin.
it's eerie to think
that the smoke surrounding you
and getting between your clothes and tangled mess of hair and face
is slowly rotting you on the inside,
eventually killing you.
(do you see what you're doing to me, scarlet?)
you are stunning,
like the moon on a stormy night.
you stand out amongst the dark clouds and lightning strikes
but do nothing to stop the thunderous booms
and heavy rain pelting down upon me.
you simply watch; serene and illuminated,
but you are dark
not the mysterious darkness of a newly discovered cave
or dingy attic begging to be explored,
but a darkness that has become familiar to me
the gloominess of a soul
the dimming of a heart-
you've put out every light of hope and belief
I've ever known
and you've ignited the fire that holds no luminescence,
only the ability to burn and smoke
the fire of pain; your fire.
and it is (you are) corroding me.
but I can not respirate.
My heart beats
but I can no longer feel it.
but I can not experience.
I am alive,
*but how can I live when I am already dead?
and there is no one to catch me.
I spoke to Scarlet this afternoon.
I hadn't seen her in such a long time.
funny thing is,
this is the first time I've ever spoken to her.
I've always liked to pretend she wasn't real,
was never there, and only a figment of my imagination.
but now I've finally found out
what she thinks of me.
what I've always thought of myself.
that, she whispers
was always the truth.
t r u t h.
what is that anymore?*
"whatever you can imagine is real."
well now I know.
I'm not sure
how much longer I can hold on
pretending everything was okay
or is okay
or will be okay
when in reality,
why do I keep trying to survive,
and continue telling myself I can
when I really, definitely, truly
I'll begin admitting.
they say that acceptance is the first step to recovery.
but who cares what they say anymore?
what if the only recovery left
(the only escape)
if this doesn't serve as a suicide note,
I'm not sure anything else could be.
but if I survive the night, let's just pretend this was always supposed to be a poem and nothing else.
is my heart
a shattered ground
a surface for you to tread upon?
I sort of,
when you are(n't)
but right now
and many other times
I've caught myself
at the edge of a final
and when I think I can
I just don't want to,
I hit enter and went to a new line with every breath I took.
I cannot breathe
I am damaged
so, so damaged.
but will you still love me?
I constantly wonder about you
and if your thoughts wander,
do they wonder about me.
I like to stare deep into your
and wonder what lies deep inside
I constantly wonder about you.
do you wonder about me?
because one day I'd like you,
to wander with me too.
something I found in the 'old pages'.
I wonder, if I'd like to wander, a little more.
what if the monsters in my head are the ones that want me dead instead?
To allow the wind
To whisk me away.
I’m going to give
A chance to kiss me
On my sunburnt cheeks
And wandering mind.
The journey continues
Through the clouds
To allow my dreams
To carry me
and here I am again
bloodied and broken
by this mess I made of myself.
it's funny how
although I thought I could be stronger,
I'm left curled up in a corner
weak and powerless.
it's funny how things turn out to be,
**I am not strong. Never will be. I have to quit lying to myself, and ******* face reality.
it's becoming more and more apparent to me that the marks you left behind will forever remain
but I can choose to forget they are there in the first place.
I will pull down my sleeves and turn up my collar even if there is no wind
but only to shield the ever sharp eyes of mine reflecting back in the mirror;
*I will hide myself from me.
you were the summer's heat
and you kept me up all night
wetting my sheets with sweat and blood and tears.
you were the winter's icy wind
and you blew down my door
and got between my breath
and underneath my clothes;
making me shiver and struggle to breathe or keep warm.
you were the fall's leaves,
making my trees rain and the sky weep
and everything grew brown and withered and died.
but then you were the spring-
(where the flowers bloomed and the birds sang and things grew again and the sun shined again and the wind blew again)
and you made it all worth it, again.