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Do you want to know what depression looks like?
Let me tell you.
It is not the story of the the skinny girl who will not consume calories and then the prince charming comes into the picture and sleeps with her in the most innocent sense to protect her. It does not involve him kissing her scars and saying they are beautiful.
No, in reality it is you by yourself. Alone. Sad. Scared.
Your body is painted in blood and you are crying so hard you practically throw up.
It is grotesque scars and cuts that you can not make up an excuse for because the cat does not cut that deep.
It is demons and blackness and fear.
It is the lonely nights that consume you.

It is you.
There were
Days of darkness.
Days of hopelessness.
Days of pain and
Days of sadness.

Days spent in bed.
Days filled with tears
and fear.

Days when you were near.

Good days
Where I almost forgot, and  
Bad days
When I couldn't.

Days when I was alive,
but not living.


Days when the only thing
That got me through the day
Was *hope
Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain
hiding the tears that fall like rain.
Saying I'm fine, when I'm anything but,
this ache in my soul rips at my gut.

My skin is on fire, I burn from within.
The calm on my face is an ongoing sin.
The world must stay out, I've built up a wall.

My fragile lie will collapse should it ever fall.
Loneliness consumes me, it eats away the years
until my life is swallowed by unending fears.

Waiting for someone to see I wear a mask
and care enough to remove it, is that too much to ask?
 Nov 2016 Paige Sawyer
Star Gazer
Oh honey, depression isn't pretty,
it isn't suppose to be,
people always connect sadness
with depression
but the connection is different,
it is a train of thought
like a chain cut short,
that is sturdily held together
but it doesn't last forever,
it is an armour that is worn
and polished everyday
just to say, 'I'm not sure'.

Oh honey, depression isn't pretty;
it isn't suppose to be,
and I want you to know clearly,
that there are always people
out there, somewhere,
who appreciate you for you
and who is nothing more than
a teardrop or a sweat dripping
away from help.

Some might ask,
'Are you depressed?'
and I can say, 'no I'm not',
so what I write is an expression of mind,
of how I wish you could find, that you
have a chance, because you deserve that chance,
the past is the past, a certain glance at the future
says that you could be doing so much more
and if you don't want to, that's your choice
but honey, depression isn't pretty
and it isn't suppose to be,
but you sure are beautiful,
so please keep staying strong
and marching on.
 Nov 2016 Paige Sawyer
Lvice
I forgot how wonderful it feels to cry
To for once
Let these creeks flow freely from my eyes
To not hold back this bursting dam
To let go of this anger that builds
In the shape of shame
I will not be held back..at any moment
I will gladly open the packaging I was told
To never even touch
Starting with binding tape
Ripping apart the flesh of the box
God that ever confining box
And tear the corners that held it's shape
Until all that's left is a mess
A beautiful
Broken mess
 Oct 2016 Paige Sawyer
D 3
He felt the scars up and down her arm
with the tip of his index finger.
Tracing ever indentation that was left by a blade.
“Why did you do it?”
he asked.
She sighed and answered
“Because I had to.”
His brows furrowed not understanding
how she possibly had to do this to herself.
“I did it to control the pain.”
He trailed kisses from her wrist up to her neck,
“I still love you,”
he said enclosing her in his arms.
 Oct 2016 Paige Sawyer
Eloi
I'm here all by myself
These white walls have personalities, my heart is starting to melt.
so I smoke ****** from a pipe,
My lungs are rust
Take a line of Coke,
My brain is dust from all of these drugs.

I can't think straight,
I'll walk the plank.
I'll Spill my blood so sharks will come and Devour my broken bones whole.

In between hell and Earth I walk the line of the silver blade against my thigh,
My body is alive but my mind won't survive.

I feel a galaxy's worth of emotions,
Dump me in the ocean,
I'm drowning again
i can't any longer pretend that I am  my own friend.

If a gunman threatened me, I'd tell him to feel free to shoot me,
I don't want to be alive.
each day I struggle to survive, snorting 6 or 7 lines a day to keep my suicidal thoughts away.

to die in the ocean would be so beautiful.
any form of death would be.
How I feel about my life
 Oct 2016 Paige Sawyer
Sam
Distractions, Distractions.
I need Distractions.

The tears, The tears.
They never stop flowing.

The pain, The pain.
It screams from my body.

The blood, The blood.
I need to stop.

Distractions, Distractions.
I need Distractions.

but there are no distractions
everything is a reminder
everything.
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