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ollie 5d
i realized i had been born in the wrong body
when i was thirteen
shortly after my grandmother died
shortly before my fourteenth birthday
shortly realizing my body had been made shorter than was necessary
watching a movie with my younger sister
and realizing
that she was crying
but my eyes were glass
incapable of being born to cry
it was a sad movie
but i was more absorbed in my own thoughts
spinning this web around
pressing my body back down
puberty turns everyone upside down
i wanted to turn my skin inside out
nobody likes acne
i found parts of my body rising in areas other than my face
the difference was
you cannot pop your chest
i felt fear
in ways not unmatched by how i feel when i’m told to think about my future
i was scared
how do you just deal with
living in the wrong body
and god made it known
that the answer was
wear clothes that don’t fit you
a baggy t-shirt cannot hide
my vocal cords
when i’m rambling
or my height
no matter how tall i stand up
when i’m asked
what i would say to one person that i’d been too scared to tell them
i do not hesitate in saying
“i’d say ‘i’m sorry, i was too scared to tell you’”
but i am lying
because i would say
i’m sorry
over and over
i’m sorry
for not being born as your granddaughter
the way i should’ve been
and in some ways
when i wear a suit to my performance
and ask if the one sitting next to me has been binding their chest
for a few hours longer than is safe
i wish
that i had the opportunity
to break my own ribs
the way they do
because i would like
nothing more
than to have trouble breathing
if it meant
i was allowed to recognize my reflection
wrote this after a tournament also i hate being trans
ollie Sep 22
i’ve spent
the last twenty-four hours
haunted by the idea of my own death
so it will never leave my head
i am haunted by the ghost telling me i could become a ghost
in that
i don’t know what will happen to me when i am dead
i can only hope for comfort
we live our lives knowing our labor returns to nothing
knowing we will not be here forever
and i tell him
that even though i don’t want to give to something that i’ll lose
that he’s an very excellent person to be alive with
he says he is crying because i’ve made him happy
i have been crying because i am haunted by my own death
i am crying because i am so happy i can be okay while i am alive
true story—i’ve not been able to think about anything but my own death since last night. my anxiety is through the roof. i really just hope i can push this aside sometime soon
ollie Sep 7
last night i had a dream
we fixed it all
and i woke up guiltier than i had been
when i fell asleep
i was more exhausted waking up
i hadn’t really fallen asleep
just let myself into a hopeful daydream
i actually fell asleep while i was reading when i got home because i was so tired. i’m getting plenty of sleep i’m just constantly exhausted. don’t think i’m necessarily depressed but that’s probably the cause
ollie Sep 6
things i’ve said the first time i’ve talked about it include:
“i am so guilty”
“i’m never in a good mood. i’m just guilty and upset and angry”
“this rips somewhere really deep i didn’t even know i had”
“i can’t make excuses”
“i don’t know how to reply”
“i’m scared”
“if i had just been a better friend none of this would’ve happened”
“i could’ve just kept my mouth shut”
“i was a bad friend”
“i’m so sorry”
“i can never stop talking because i feel like i’m going to freeze up”
“maybe i didn’t feel like a person that could be talked to normally”
“i don’t know what to do”
“i don’t know if i’m ever going to feel okay about it”
“she’s happier and healthier without me now”
“but this is what always happens that’s what i wanted to say in the first place”
“if i were easier to get along with this wouldn’t keep happening”
“if i would just learn to deal with this myself this wouldn’t happen”
“if it weren’t my fault then this would happen to everyone but so far it’s just me”
“i’m not comfortable talking to anyone that was just as close as i got”
“i’m so sorry”
“but it won’t ever be the same again”
“i’m always going to be too scared”
“of course i still do jesus christ”
“you don’t just stop loving someone if you did i wouldn’t love him either”
“i should be asleep and instead i’m finally crying”
“i don’t know if she thinks it’s worth fixing”
“do i?”
ollie Aug 26
i eat the same chips for lunch every day
sitting at the same table
with the same foreign people
when they ask who i’m looking for
i’ve resigned to just change the subject
the last time, i just stopped looking.
it wasn’t worth the pain in my neck
looking for someone who didn’t want to be found
obviously i feel the exact same way you do but i kinda never want to talk about my problems if that’s valid **** since they’re bothering you?
ollie Aug 16
wanting to run
every night
every night
hurts my head so it spins like a top
i can’t run
i can’t hide
i can’t fight
this is every night
i can’t handle being yelled at so much i can’t handle it i can’t handle it i need to go somewhere i am so scared
ollie Aug 12
i listen to
pure heroine
on repeat
even though i’m scared of
drugs
and my veins
because it’s the only thing
that lulls me into sleep
lorde the only person
that calms me down
enough to have the same recent nightmares
about getting my blood drawn
whole thing is true, but pure heroine is my favorite album for a reason. genius, incredible, has my favorite song of all time, one of the only things that REALLY gets me to calm down and the only thing this week
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