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ollie Feb 10
Eventually there stops being a
And every single movie that romanticized the feeling lied to you
This is not something a love interest can fix
There is room to heal
That allows your friends to be let back in
I stopped saying I wanted to die quite a while ago
But I’m left feeling unfamiliar in my own happiness
I regret everything I have ever said
And everything I didn’t have the guts to say
And that’s just how it is inside my head
I suppose I could live with it
If not for this desire to get away from it
I’m scared of driving
But I can’t wait until I finally can drive away from this town
And never look back
Because it’s about the faces I’ll meet
Not the ones that tried to convince me to be something I’m not
And while I’m still making friends out here
There’s only three more years
I suppose it’s worth the risk
She told me that I was easy to read
And it’s easy to pretend to be
The complexity of picking up on how every human feels will never
Be easy to read
And I can’t control that
So yes, I can be an open book
But good luck reading the pages I ripped out
i’m not really sure what any of this means to be honest
ollie Feb 5
No one shares seats on the bus
Not since fourth grade
And I’m still trying to figure out if it’s because we want the room to ourselves
Or because too many of us still flinch when someone slides in next to us
It happened in the summer between fourth and fifth grade
And whatever it is, we don’t know
But no one shares seats on the bus
ollie Jan 25
We are worthless
Waiting for a train to come
This is it
The last generation
The lost generation
The lest we fall into another depression generation
We know that kids can be misunderstood
But there is a rift
Starting with a need to get out and a need to stay at the exact age we are
We are the generation that refuses to grow up
Ill prepared for the smack in the face that is adulthood
Not because it’s hard
But because the grace required to navigate is not something the anxious have found yet
Our mothers and fathers told us that when we smile we’re lying
We are the generation who wonders when happiness became a form of dishonesty
With aliases unlike any spy
We are worthless
Straight backs and slouched shoulders
We are worthless
Feigning surprise until you can see the reds of our eyes
The frequency of the tears changed the definition
We are worthless
Capable of admitting it but not capable of taking that **** from anyone else
We are worthless
Asking our teachers how people enter a history class loving America and leaving it feeling the same way
We are the generation who refuses to cause anymore wars
We save that fighting **** for our own minds
Tell your mom and dad not to worry about curfew
Plenty of us can’t get out of bed anyway
We are worthless
And **** if we don’t embrace it
ollie Jan 17
And it was really because of a song lyric
I needed a username and I found one in the cereal
It didn’t become my favorite until afterwards
But it grew in the awareness that things are happening that shouldn’t be
The stale box of them under my bed I can only eat when no one is watching
Because we don’t eat outside of meals at my house
We just go hungry
And being king of something every time I try to express an opinion helps
In a way like sunshine on the bus ride home
‘Cause for once rehearsal doesn’t mean you ride home with your parents
Icy silence is nobody’s preference
And laughing about going hungry gets easier when you’re king of some kind of food
My feet pound against the pavement
Because kings have to travel sometime
6th grade final project
I had to build a board about me
Trinkets about how I’m left-handed and the things that inspired me
Meant to be replaced as I aged
The last thing I had added to it was the “Corn Flake” cereal label and a small yellow crown
And spontaneously
Slowly removing the pictures and labels
I destroyed it without even trying
Because a cornflake king abandons the past to discover a future where he is allowed to eat whenever he pleases
Where expectations are lowered often
And sometimes it’s okay to have your own opinion
Because anyone knows the king makes the rules based on his beliefs
Not those of anyone older
does anyone know how to speak in their own home without being screamed at because i haven’t figured it out yet
ollie Jan 13
“We kept walking the tightrope”
It was a whisper before she started coaching me
Memorized because I’d found a passion for it
It got easier to write after she’d told me to
And I can write about lots of things
Like how it’s easy to go unobserved if you keep your head down
I learned how to walk in crowds without looking a long time ago
Do you want to see me become someone I’m not
I won’t look different
I’ll just be a lot better at making people laugh
“You’re approaching a very difficult time in your life”
“I know”
I don’t need reminding
I just need some help figuring out who it is that’s going to help me there
Who I am
Can’t somebody help me figure it out
I’m willing to be the image someone has of me as long as it feels right
He said he saw a lot of himself in me
He said I have a very tilted image of the world
That I was given the world and instead chose to lift the lid and make something out of it
And for once
I’m upset that someone read me better than I read them
I guess it’s still a sick feeling
Having my plug clogged up so no emotions can trickle through into my own body
And sometimes I still feel them
When I’m awake late and someone is begging for help
It calls to me in the early hours of the morning
I would not take this world as a given
I’m going to make something out of it
Whether it’s in a way the man expects or not
ollie Jan 12
And I really am sorry
It’s not something people often like to admit
But I could be a better singer
All my friends have the prettiest voices
Around the bend cycling ranges
But I don’t sing
And I guess screaming lyrics has always been easier for me
That doesn’t make it any less annoying
I scream words too
And that story is for another time
It’s a different feeling
Wanting to do something with your life
And I want to go on an adventure of sorts
See places I’ve never seen before
See people I’ve never seen before
There are towns where they say that you lose the memory of all occurrences within the borders
That you do not tell others of the nights and the days
Otherwise known as “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
If I had the chance to do anything with no one ever knowing
I don’t know what I’d do
But I want to go on an adventure
And I’ve got no one to go with
Not all those who wander are lost
But all those who are lost tend to wander
And I’m a lost boy
Still not sure of where I’m going or where I’ve been
Wandering along
At least you gave me a song to sing for the journey
ollie Jan 9
“You’re going to do great things”
She says to me
“I get that a lot”
“But I never really know how to respond”
And I don’t know why
You’d think after so many times I’d be able to formulate a response
I’m not used to it after so many times
So many adults with that same look
“You’re going to do great things”
And it’s not something everyone hears
There’s not a manual on how to react
Sometimes it hurts
Because I often feel like I can’t live up to those expectations
I am made of those expectations
And I wanna make it one day
I want to show them
That I am made of more than the same type of joke and the same ferocity towards grades
I’m willing to fight back
But maybe that’s not a great thing
Because that’s an incredible thing
The fight I’ve placed inside myself to keep going could be incredible
But they told me I’ll be great
Leading marches and showing kids just how fun being alive can be
I am so desperate for the next high that I would do anything for it
This world is full of highs to reach
And maybe great things are relevant
I try to be someone people admire
And pausing at railroad crossing signs isn’t how most people accomplish it
But I’m so adrenaline filled that sometimes the people in the trains wave back
Throw your energy into someone else
I wanna go home
To a sketchy town
Where no one ever looked at me like that
“I know you’re going to do great things”
My brain is on fire
Picking apart the way they try to look me in the eyes when they say it
I used to look back
And now I look above the head and beyond what is capable of being displayed physically
People stopped judging my performances when I was twelve
Because it got too much
“Sometimes I forget it’s you” she confessed
“You stare into my soul, I can’t explain it”
There is hurt here
That cannot be mended by fourteen year olds
Who are told all too often
That their expectations are going to climb so high that they’ll never come down
That was the high they’d been trying to reach
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