NitaAnn

NitaAnn Jun 2014

Sunday I started to feel as though my life was spiraling out of control.

I know now that it wasn't.

It was just life.

Life happens and it has a crazy way of making all of us feel crazy along with it.

I know that now.

Unfortunately, I know that this feeling will not last, and I am human, so I will forget what this feeling is and feel out of control all over again.

Such is life, but I am living and learning.

#cutting #life #abuse #crazy #control #learning #coping #survivor #snap #outofcontrol

NitaAnn Jun 2014

Questions With No Answers

Some are directed at specific people, others, to no one in particular.

Why did you hurt me?
What did I do to deserve the things that were done to me?
I know you noticed, why didn't you make it stop?
Why wasn't anyone there when I needed them?
Are you sorry?
Do you live with any pain for what you did?
Why am I still suffering for others' actions?
Why do I feel such pain, guilt, and shame for things other people did?
Why did it take me so long to tell?
Would it have been better for me to keep my mouth shut and deal with it?
How long am I going to have to spend in therapy to feel ok again?
Will I EVER feel completely ok?
Do I even deserve to feel ok?
Do I deserve the wonderful support and kindness from the few that I trust?
Why didn't God stop it? Why did God let it start?

There are more...but I don't have the energy to type anymore tonight. It's been a rough day, I'm in pain, and my energy is completely sapped.

#pain #abuse #questions #healing #answers #overcoming #survivor

NitaAnn Jun 2014

Untitled

My heart aches and my mind burns, but I am not going to break. You will not win. You will no longer control me. My body is numb and my soul is empty, but I will be ok. You haven't damaged me forever. You are a poison, slowly taking the beauty and life from whoever you wish- but not me, not anymore. I am standing up, putting back what pieces I can, healing the searing pain you caused. I am still afraid- to trust, to ask for help, to sleep, to be less than perfect. But I'm learning not to be so scared. It's going to take a long time to undo what you did...but I will do it.

#dying #pain #abuse #empty #numb #overcome #damaged #survivor

NitaAnn Jun 2014

Happy and Sad

Today was a weird mixture of happiness and sadness all at the same time. It was one of the most unusual experiences I have ever had.

It was not one of those, "I am sad. Now, I am happy."

It was more or less, "I am sad, no, I am happy, no, wait. I am both."

I don't really know if I liked or didn't like it. I think I am leaning more towards liking it.

I liked the fact that I was able to feel two different emotions at once and not feel completely out of control. I liked that it felt real. That sounds odd, I'm sure, but it felt like that it must be what it feels like when you are happy yet hear something sad and it makes your heart ache. It was kind of like that.

It was certainly a learning experience, that's for sure.

#sad #abuse #happy #coping #struggling #survivor

NitaAnn May 2014

I Am Struggling

I am struggling.

I feel like I am floundering.

I feel so very much alone.

I just feel so lonely.

I feel like I just need a good cry. I am scared to cry though. When I cry alone, I sometimes have trouble stopping. I sink further and further down into that dark hole of depression.

It is so hard to get out of that hole. It is a never ending battle trying to come back up out of it.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that I am going to end up stuck in this pit of depression forever. I don't really think that that will happen, but that fear is in the back of my mind.

I am afraid of showing my emotions sometimes. I sometimes am frightened by what comes out of me and how I will react to what I am feeling.

I haven't completely lost hope.

I pray. I believe in God and know that He will help me heal and get through the rough times.

I have to have faith and try to get through this the best that I can with what I have and who I have to help me. I just don't want to feel like a burden, which I always seem to feel like.

Pray for me please.

#prayer #abuse #alone #faith #crying #despair #healing #struggle #givingup #burden #survivor

NitaAnn May 2014

Super Woman...NOT

I just now realized something.

I am NOT Super Woman.

I do school work, research, church activities, housework, and other daily life activities. On top of all of that, I have my physical problems and my emotional problems.

A person can only do so much until they can't do anymore.

I think I have reached that point.

I don't know what to do now, though.

Do I keep going? Do I have a choice?

I guess I will have to.

I know that with some prayer and with the help of my friends and family, that I will make it through this rough patch. I always do.

This time though, I feel like this rough patch is meant to teach me a lesson.

The lesson that I am NOT Super Woman.

#abuse #tired #struggling #survivor #needtolearnno

NitaAnn May 2014

Cut Cut Cut

Anger
Frustration
Scared
Lonely
Afraid
Hatred
Loathing**
So with these thoughts fueling my actions,
I make the conscious decision to punish my body.
I feel as though I deserve this treatment.
I cut to scar my body.
I cut to release emotions I had no valve for.
I have no words or outlet for them yet.
I cut to make myself feel better; to alleviate those feelings of hatred.
Cutting is such an enigma for me.
I do it as a punishment, for being weak and "allowing" myself to be abused...
But at the same time, the feeling I get from doing it is strength.
I look at the cuts and think, *"Wow. I was able to endure that. I am strong."

#cutting #hatred #abuse #self-harm #punishment #survivor