I am giving up on the thought that you will ever give me as much time as I give you honor.

Every time I try to grow a flower, you hand me a bomb.

The world is a dark place, and I am a mere candle, trying to hold it together in the wind.

Because it rips out my heart to hear you grow the courage to say those words to a girl, when you would never even notice all the love in my eyes.

And people forget how much love can hurt until that familiar hand comes to slap them again.

You ripped me up from the ground, roots and all exposed, then snipped them with scissors without a second thought.

I am tired of making myself whole, only to hand you the knife for you to slice me open.

It is exhausting, and fruitless, and soul-aching to hold so much for someone who would never hold you again.

And him, with his bright love and strong-holding mind, loved me from afar only to drop me when I gave in.

And him, with his unexpected arrival in my life, so aware of our wavelength, yet choosing to deny.

And him, with his tender funniness and joy, brought me to his bedroom, then kicked me out of his door.

And him, with his dark eyes and ridiculous smile, almost saved me, just to drown me right after.

I am tired of giving myself to people who cry for me, only to push me away as though I forced myself on them.

And you, you are the worst of them all, my never-ending crucifixion who I could never regret.

On a gloomy Sunday, when everything falls apart, including myself, all I want is you next to me, but all I want is you gone.

I want to feel your teeth so close to my veins
I can hear the hickeys you're about
to leave on my neck,
and
I want to feel your mouth so close to my heart
I can feel the kisses you're about
to plant on my body,
and
I want you thisclose to me so that
I can feel your soul melting
into mine,
and
I want you.

You are the bloom of the
starlet sea flower and when
I swim down to smell you
I drown and drown and drown;
I would swallow the ocean
just to feel your petals
rise towards my face
and kiss me goodbye.

Love is unselfish. Love is unconditional. Love is wanting their happiness, even if it does not mean your happiness. Love is being awake and alive and wishing they were here to experience this with you. Love is being ******* furious, taking a deep breath before you twist the knife in, and instead stitching them up. Love is holding back their hair and rubbing their back while they throw up; drunken mistakes are nothing to be ashamed of, babe. Love is feeling blood and hormones rush through your body the moment you realize they're here, they are here. Love is birthday cake, Christmas lights, spotlights and dreamboats, breakfast for dinner, and making anywhere home as long their arms are around you. Love is moonlight ***, morning kisses before you've brushed your teeth, their hand sliding down your pants under the table. Love is craziness, insanity, being so fueled by emotion that nothing makes sense and you can't help but act. Love is singing it all at the tops of buildings, kissing them when nobody or everyone is watching, being not only unafraid but proud to claim them as yours. Love is wanting nobody else in the world except them because nobody else is worth it; nobody else could hold even one-tenth of their value to you. Love is meaning it, every word. Love is ridiculously long letters, hand-painted cards, drunk text messages, and forever-blurred vision. Love is a slip of the tongue while you're high, playing guitar on a back porch at three in the morning, and wanting someone with every fiber of your being even if you'll swear to the death that you don't. Love is choosing someone, knowing that although it's going to be difficult, and painful, and sometimes ******, you are willing to take on any challenge as long as they will be there when you wake up in the morning. Love is deep, deep, deep down, sometimes small but always glowing, ready to spark a fire again at any time, if only you'd poke at the embers and let it burn.

Back bent, arms out,

I cannot contain my spirit's desire.

I will dance if there is no music,

and roll with the punches,

even if nobody is throwing them.

I am heaven-sent, hell-born,

purgatory-living in its finest form.

If you dare to laugh, I'll laugh along, too,

Because it feels good to hurt so bad.

You don't seem to realize how much I know

without saying a word, with just a look in your eye.

I am glimmering, reading, illusion illustration,

staring into the greatest galaxies I have imagined for myself.

And you, with petty marks and pretty scars,

have ventured out into the cold without shoes on.

As I look both ways to cross the street,

your pinky swear pulls me back in.

You are the sea turtle's deep, slow, sleepy veins,

and I am a hummingbird heartbeat.

It’s all spinning in my head, burning with friction and fire. Your name is etched all on my lips, all crossed out with a scar. I’ve been trying to erase it, but it’s so strong I can taste it even now. I am so ashamed and so alone and maybe that’s why I can’t think of anything else. I am so high, I’m out of my mind, but I can’t come down. I’m unsure if your heart beats just as mine. I can’t say now but something’s brewing, boiling up with time. I ******* miss you and it is hurting every fiber of my being; I refuse to wonder why. I can’t come to terms with what’s lurking under my bed. I’m afraid that this is all in my head. I’m afraid that I’ll never see you again… if I tell you any of it. Because I know you’ll just blame me. Because it is not what we think or what we have, it is what we do. The choice is clear from you. I still miss you.