it’s 9:28pm
and i’m thinking about how i almost
told you how i feel today
it’s 9:29pm and i’ve been crying
not a lot
but enough to know that
i can’t keep doing this
it’s 9:30pm
and you’ve been ignoring me for hours
and i know i shouldn’t care
but i do
it’s 9:31pm and i’m alone
not without you
but without myself
it’s 9:32pm
and i’m no longer crying
but that doesn’t mean
i don’t still feel
it’s 9:33pm and i still care
even though i’m trying
so hard not to
it’s 9:34pm
and i’m beginning to understand
that i’m not trying
hard enough

standing there
watching you talk
the words dripping from your mouth
like water from a broken faucet
i wait in earnest for you to say my name
hope fills my heart
every time you look me in the eyes
but you always look away
and you never say my name
and it isn't until later
when i'm all alone in my room
sitting on my bed
silence wrapping me up like a blanket
that i look to my mirror
and look my reflection in the eyes
and i remember
that i can say my own name
and i've always said it better
anyway

if i wrote
your name
amillionandone times
would that make you
think of me?

we sit in the backseat
of his parked car
on the edge
of something close to a revelation
the night sky is hidden
something like a secret
and we are cloaked in darkness
but next to him i swear i can feel the stars
i tell him this feels like my favorite song
something i heard once and will never forget
he kisses me and my heart beats so fast
it slows down time
this is everything
and we both know it
he asks: why didn’t you tell me?
i open my eyes
and then
i’m awake
cold sweat
alone in my bed
he’s gone before i get to tell him:
i always thought you knew

i hope you never have to know
the depth of my devotion
because to know
would be to understand
the emptiness you left in me
when you had nothing
to give back
and surely such
guilt
would eat you alive

i imagine you lying
alone
in that too-small bed
with your blankets
(that i hate)
strewn across the floor
warmed by the thought
that you are loved
while i lie
alone
in my too-big bed
covered in blankets
(that you’ve never seen)
freezing
because i am not

i can’t write about what it feels like
to run my fingers through your hair
or feel your hands on my skin
(no matter how much i want to)
i can’t speak to the softness of your lips
or what it sounds like
when you whisper my name
(no matter how much i want to)
i don’t know what the skin on your hips
feels like after you’ve showered
or what it’s like to wake up
to your breath on my shoulder
(no matter how much i want to)
i can’t write about the feeling
of our skin
soft and rough
holding hands
(oh god, i want to)
i can’t write about you
in anything other than the abstract
no
matter
how
much
i
want
to