It's all just numbers, isn't it?
Day by day,
Year by year,
Always counting.

Day by day look at the number on the scales.
Let the caloric calculator count until your head is filled with numbers.

Minute by minute count the seconds it takes for him to text you back.
Let the doubt and fear multiply until your head is full of him.

Term by term let a percentage on a piece of paper define your worth.

Don't we have better things to do than count?

we're all so worthless
you know it

you're everchanging
not so everlasting

throwing cigarettes on your bedroom floor
you're so numb you can't feel the cold

where's the ceiling
always falling to the floor

there's just something
special about you

can't figure it out
I get chills

I want to look like you
move like you do

visions and side effects
I know you will break my heart first
but I can break it twice

November 22, 2020:

"we were running down the cold, winter sidewalks slick with black ice, yet we confidently graced down its path. we were laughing so hard the neighbors could hear us. i felt like a kid. yelling back and forth to make up for the distance between us as i sped ahead of you. our noses were red, our breath was engulfing the air;
we were smiling as wide as our mouths would allow, and then some. we were happy. we were excited. we were falling in love; the kind of love that makes you forget about the rest of the world, if only for the moment.
time has passed, and our bliss has vanished into anguish, but to this day i can still feel the cold breath escape from our lips as you caught up to wrap me in your arms with a kiss, a warmth that held me safely through the night."

She keeps songs
locked away in boxes
like secrets.
She will take them out
like postcards
to help her remember
the feeling of
a different time,
a different person
by her side.
She likes the one
that makes her
eyes close
to see the lights.
She smiles at
the one that  
makes her stand
up on tiptoes,
the one that
helps her forget
she doesn’t know
what to do
with her hands.

The tune
will carry her.

Like it did
the times when
voices broke
like a heart.
When instruments’ strings
would snap
and hurt.

I thought if I could swallow the stars
I’d be as beautiful as the evening sky
I tried one night    with fireflies
They burned my throat
Their legs striking at soft flesh
But my skin did not glow
No moon crawled from my eye sockets
I was left with corpses in my stomach
I soon learned I would only ever be
A cemetery

Ophelia’s swinging herself across her lake
The salt of the water is hitting my face. Can she leave?
Can’t she go? I’m fed up with the artificial show.
Female insanity, that’s me.
If I die today I’ll make it pretty.