the noodles
sit in the warm,
steamy water
they've turned
soft and mushy

left in too long
why? well,
you see,
this person who
wanted to eat them

suddenly had an
intrusive thought;
this caused this person
to get anxious
about eating

so the noodles
were abandoned
in the starchy water
left there
to drown

why do i feel so small
when i look up into the sky and see the stars?

there are so many of them,
they take my breath away

i can't help but realize, with a sad smile,
how insignificant

my life
really is

to be honest,
it's somewhat relieving

and reassuring
to see all those stars up there

to remember that we are all
just a speck of dust

even less,
perhaps

in this universe
that we call our own

and that if we were to fade away
the universe would still persist

am i worth it?

the question i ask at 2 am
when my eyes start to feel scratchy
and my mind feels foggy

or on the fourth of july
watching those blue and red explosions
grace the dark blue sky

or walking through the autumn trees
to step on their crisp leaves
to make that satisfying sound

am i, though?
does my life
have any meaning?

i look at myself in that long, ***** mirror --
the lighting is bad and i look ghost-like
in the shadows of the room

i lift up my oversized t-shirt
and my eyes fall to the blunt cuts
that grace my soft skin

i try not to do this too often
but lately it has become much too hard
to ignore for long

the blade that rests in my sweaty palm
feels like a million pounds
as i bring it to my stomach

She covers the bags under her eyes with a face mask
and her split ends with conditioner,
her bitten ****** nails with pure white polish,
and calls her binge eating "treating herself"

She tells herself it's self care --
pretends she's doing herself a favor
by covering up her pain
so she doesn't have to look it in the face.

But face masks peel off
and conditioner washes away,
those perfect white nails will chip and wear off,
and eating disorders were never a treat
in the first place.

Behind that laughter (it's a facade)
and my clean
unbroken arms,

I hide my deepest secret
from the world.

No one feels the blade
as it tears across my belly,
besides me.

(I can't help but smile)
I know that no one knows
and that's how it should be,
because to them,
it doesn't exist.

And it shouldn't.




But it does.