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I'm sitting here on this grass
Where it all began...

I'm sitting here because I wish that you would know I'm here, and come.
I'm sitting here because it all ended this morning... but I still can't...
I'm sitting here because this was you and I.
I'm sitting here because ****! It hurts!
I'm sitting here because I want to end it where it all began...

I'm sitting here because I don't have the strength to get up...
I must leave my heart at this place,
Can't take it with me,
The pain needs to stay
This awful feeling can't follow me home...

I'm just sitting here...
I'm taking it all in
The smell of the grass
The green car going by
The sounds of the plane...
I'm soaking it up so I can leave it and go.

So I'm just going to sit here for a little while... I'm going to cry as much as I need to, I'm going to let this pain scream as loud as it wants... I'm going to grasp this grass and feel the wet earth on my fingers...
I'm going to let the feelings take over...

I'm going to just sit here...
Because once I get up...
I'm leaving it all behind.
I didn't want to leave the parking lot this morning... because it would mean that it was actually happening... that it was over.

I didn't want to start my car...
I just kept starring at the wall in front me...
tears rolling down my face, my heart was aching, hands clenched on the wheel...

Why...?  I asked my self.
Why did we go through all this **** to just end up here??
Why did I turn my world upside down to show you I cared? ...To end up here.

My bags packed in my trunk
Full of the stuff I used to keep at your place
Your key I left on the nightstand...

But why??...
Why make the heart go through this pain...
Why show me so much of you if you were not mine in the end...

Now I'm not just sad... I'm angry!
My heart is ripping apart and I hate the feeling of this pain!
So Why??... If we were gonna end up here?!!

I felt your distant heart grow...
I knew it when my own heart felt pain when it got close to you...
I knew it was going to happen when your eyes showed me so...

But why...
Why... If we were going to end up here.
Memory...

I was fragile, I felt so small... powerless.
There were bottles, empty cans...
I tried to stay quiet... but it didn't matter...

The monster was already out of the cage
I tried hiding... it was too late.

I was afraid... I didn't know it was just the beginning.
I had angered the beast that lived within him...
I felt I had no choice but to stay quiet, tried not to move...

It didn't matter...
I was shoved against the wall, thrown on the bed...
felt hands grip my throat... as tears went rolling down my face...

His eyes were not his anymore,
extreme animal like anger had taken control over his mind...
No care, no love...
Apologies were no use, reasoning did not longer exist...

I stayed quiet... not just for that night,
but for a long time...
the nightmares stayed with me.
They continue to live in m mind,
and at times they take over my dreams...

I did not tell anyone... I let him live with it...

Karma did her thing...
Two beautiful girls are now carrying his blood...
He must guard them with his life
as a beast just like the one who lives within him
roams this world... growing older
just as his little treasures grow into beautiful women
just like the one who he scarred deeply down to her soul.
My lips stay closed
Words do not leave my mouth...
My tongue stays in place...
But my mind creates the phrases
From the words I dare not to speak of...
My pen goes on a frenzy... writing down every single thought...

Writer they call me...
crazy say some...
emotionless and quiet preach others...
they do not understand...
my hands do the talking
my eyes can tell you so...
if you listen to my heart closely
you might be able to hear it screaming...

The silence,
my worse enemy and my best companion.
My fingers... callused, tired... covered in ink...
They speak for me...

Writer they call me...
mysterious some say,
with eyes made of fire
and a mind that could ****.
I can't lie...
I miss her.
Maybe not the romantic relationship,
But I miss her company...

I miss those nights eating dinner in front of the TV,
I miss her in the kitchen sipping on some wine,
I miss those lazy Sundays on the couch doing nothing.

I can't lie...
I miss her.
Maybe not those nights when we fought incessantly,
Maybe not the constant struggle for wanting to be wanted..
But I miss her...
I miss the sincerity of her heart
I miss the love in her eyes when she looked at me...

I miss the security...
Knowing she was going to be in my bed every night,
I miss the feeling in my heart
Knowing that there was no need to worry...
She was mine, and I was hers.

I can't lie...
I miss her.
Maybe not the tears she shed,
Maybe not the constant fighting
Maybe not those nights when I was constantly pushed away...

But...
I miss the simplicity,
I miss how comfortable we were,
I miss knowing every single part of her body,
I miss the plans, the smiles, the conversations...

I can't lie.
I miss her...
My best friend, my accomplice,
my constant companion...

I can't lie...
I still miss her...my wife.
Don't leave me alone without music
Don't leave me alone with my thoughts
Don't let the silence take over my room
Don't let my mind start wondering...

I can't stand the silence
I must turn up the volume
Music on high in every room...
I can't let my thoughts take over my mind

I feel the words start forming
start making sentences, ideas, memories...
I feel the ache in my heart coming back...
I'm not ready to deal with the silence in the room
I'm not ready to deal with the thoughts in my brain...

I have to get up, start moving...
I need to do stuff, whatever it is...
I can't be alone with my thoughts,
I can't let the silence take over my room...

I'm not ready to deal with it...
not yet...
I just want to hear the music
I have to get lost in it...
Ready to pounce...
but unsure if it's the right move.
Ready to growl...
But unsure of how loud it will be...
Ready to show off my claws...
But unsure if that will be too much...

Anxious, unsure... fearless?
Clenched jaw...
Raised eyebrows...
Crouch down... lookin up...
Ready to pounce...

Feeling every heart beat...
The tightness of my body
My feet grounded to the floor
Sighing louder... stronger...

Anxiousness getting deeper...
Doubtfullness growing weaker...
Jaw becoming tighter...
Teeth now showing...
Claws...out...

Ready to pounce...
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