we did it.
we got through another year.
another heartbreak.
another bout of laughter.
we experienced pain that felt like a lifetime
and every part of it was temporary.
but with the pain comes the healing.
with the end of 2016, comes the beginning of 2017.
so we're going to heal.
we are going to repair ourselves.
let our exposed parts
become windows into the soul.
let the light in.
we're going to grow together.

we have closed conversations and then forget everything that we said
words we hide and store away, in the back of our heads
that none of this never, ever happened
but we know the truth behind these masks
and the desire to feel that it was entirely real, even if it was only that moment

At the end of a long day
and night soaked in tears
its always you
that I find
myself searching for
hoping to see you
at the bottom of
my drink or
lighting up my phone

Nobody can ever match up
or stand up
to you
even though you have
not taught me what love looks like
instead what love feels like
that is,
you do not show me love or
hold it in the palm of your hand
I feel it when I sit across from you
and laugh

I don't even know who I was even meant to be
The only part of me they know is what they have seen
Help me, I can't figure it out
I'm desperate, I don't even know what my life is about
I'm trying to describe it but I don't know how
How will I explain to my kids about the future now
What have I done?
Who have I even become??
I can't keep lying to myself
I can't keep pretending
Because who I really am
Is on who I'm depending
All these fulfillments
And all these "distractions"
But still feeling empty
As if there were a hole in my heart

And it's tearing me apart...

Am I suppose to accept who I've become?
Or try to find that young innocent me
And discover where I am from??

I'm tired of all of it
I'm just ready to give up |

At some point I’ll
Have to come to terms with this reality

At some point I’ll
Need to make peace with your absence

At some point I’ll
Turn around and find myself breathing-

That’s when I can say I made it;
When I can breathe and walk and feel
Without you

I’m there now
              I think
Just don’t want to admit it,
For fear that acceptance
Of your absence
Is release
Of potential
And the coming
Of the inevitable
The end

Maybe I was so scared that he'd stop loving me
- I pushed him away instead