Life is so boring
at this present moment in time
I could not be more burnt out with my routine
my job
my weekends
my appearance
the people around me
everything
It is no one’s fault but my own that this mindset is upon me
I have not done anything new in the past few years
I’ve been in the same town
in the same job
doing the same exact thing every day as if it is Groundhog Day
the worst part about it is
I have no idea or motivation to do anything else
I am well into my late 20s and life is comfortable
it’s confusing because it’s good
but also not because I have no moments of
“I can’t believe this is my life! How amazing!”
Is it too early for me to be having a midlife crisis at 28?
In my world as it is right now
I am not depressed so much as if this is what life is going to be like, I’m going to continue spending a lot of time waiting for the end of the day

My human experience is paused
I used to think crying all the time was the worst way to be
but now that I feel numb I’d take back the tears just to feel something
being able to cry is better than feeling basically nothing

At this point in life whoever you’re with or whoever you’re gonna meet is irreparably broken
I know this cause so am I
I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year now and off and on for several years before this and I still haven’t gotten it quite figured out
the damage done by past relationships follows swiftly
like a dark shadow I constantly see the pain out of the corner of my eyes
I don’t know how to help someone else when I’m hurting too
so stumbling and falling is natural when you can’t see which direction your feet are going
maybe some of us weren’t meant to be destined for greatness or great love
maybe we’re not all meant to find true happiness or peace
maybe we’re not meant to live without the anxiety because at this point, it’s a part of who we are
and if we lose that too, then we’d lose ourselves completely

things that bothered me yesterday
I can’t even remember today
so while the anxiety and troubles have passed
I’ll just soak up this feeling while it lasts

when I think of regrets in this life
there are more than I could count on both hands and feet
regret is natural and normal and healthy
but some of it is not
the kind that creeps up on you day after day
when your brain isn’t fully involved in something or a conversation and so there is space to fill with memories, ideas, or a bunch of nonsense
or all of the bad things you’ve ever done in your whole entire life
I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone or said them out loud even
the past ruminates in my conscious
waiting to bite me in the most random moments when I least expect it
several sentences in and I still can’t get it out
the words are there right behind my lips but I can’t get them out
I might die one day being the only one who knows

It is disappointing
that every thing you think and build up in your mind
is better than the reality of it

I’ll love you forever if you let me
If you want me to
If you feel the way I do
because I believe you hung the moon
and we met in the galaxies
somewhere when our souls were just stardust
and energy
our vibrations are higher together
I have met you in every life and I’ll meet you in every single one after this
I remember whispering to you
“I have waited for you for so long, I’m so glad I found you”