This is the perfect time to write
I’m right at the end of 25 years on this planet
Sitting in a bar at 3:14 pm on a cold Thursday in January, 2021
I’ve had a bad day
So I decided driving by this bar that I was gonna stop and have a drink because that’s what I needed today
So far I was right
I ordered a angry orchard on an empty stomach and drank the first half really quickly so I’d get that good buzz really quickly
the nice bartender, an older lady asked me if wanted food so I asked for a menu because, why not?
I’m broker than ever and can’t really afford to be doing what I’m doing right now but what’s an extra 6.99 on pretzel sticks with beer cheese?
It’s beer cheese for heavens sake.
when the going gets tough, the tough get going
to get a good drink on tap
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time
I get lucky I guess
My whole life has been built on me
Completely on me to decide where I’m gonna go and how my life is going to look
That’s kind of scary honestly
that my life and my sons life relies completely on my shoulders
I can’t ***** up
I can’t give up
So we will just keep going

I feel like I’ve been running since I was 18
always chasing down something I felt I had to achieve
I had a plan and lists of hopes for my future
and 8 years later I have checked almost every box off my list
that feeling of accomplishment comes in waves
knowing my hard work paid off
knowing where I was and where I am today makes me grateful
so very grateful
for everything
all the stuff I had to go through
all the pain I felt
and happiness along the way
I feel like I can stop running
and start walking to take it all in
not because I have checked almost all of my boxes
but because I checked the one box that I never put down


I have found peace in my everyday life
satisfaction
and a knowing that things will be okay
no matter what happens
because I am grateful
because I believe in myself
because
I know myself now better than I ever have
It’s an understanding
of all the uncertainty I’ve faced in my past and that I will face in my future


I hope on your grocery list for your life
you find inner peace and security in trusting yourself
as you chase all of your dreams
that way when you come to the end
you can start making more boxes

Today has turned into one of those days where I feel like I’m missing out on life
whatever that means
wherever it means


it means I’m at home, a young mother at 25, at home on a Tuesday evening and I have work in the morning and I’m feeling left out
I’m feeling jealous of anyone who isn’t tied down to someone
I’ve gotten to taste what that life is like,
on the weekends my son is with his father,
it’s bittersweet,
It feels so good to do what you want with no responsibility for a little while
but having someone to miss and a home to go home to hits different when you know what you’re missing


It’s a lonely life
I didn’t realize how isolating parenthood can be
how many hours alone I would spend
how much time I’d be unable to talk to another adult
how much I’d feel left out by the people I care about
how many times I’ve had to turn down plans because I had my child

It’s also a fulfilling life
a beautiful one
a challenging one
a scary one
a fun, adorable, loving, and be loved life I have

It’s just a Tuesday night
and I’m at home with my kid on my couch in my living room
one day I’m gonna miss these days
I have successfully written myself out of the funk I was in when I started this
thanks for listening

I’m sick of my brain telling me no one cares
that no one really loves me and if I wasn’t around no one would notice
It’s told me this my whole life
For as long as I can recall memories
And as long as I’ve been old enough to think for myself,
my brain has lied to me so many times

I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore

I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face

I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much