At this point in life whoever you’re with or whoever you’re gonna meet is irreparably broken
I know this cause so am I
I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year now and off and on for several years before this and I still haven’t gotten it quite figured out
the damage done by past relationships follows swiftly
like a dark shadow I constantly see the pain out of the corner of my eyes
I don’t know how to help someone else when I’m hurting too
so stumbling and falling is natural when you can’t see which direction your feet are going
maybe some of us weren’t meant to be destined for greatness or great love
maybe we’re not all meant to find true happiness or peace
maybe we’re not meant to live without the anxiety because at this point, it’s a part of who we are
and if we lose that too, then we’d lose ourselves completely

things that bothered me yesterday
I can’t even remember today
so while the anxiety and troubles have passed
I’ll just soak up this feeling while it lasts

when I think of regrets in this life
there are more than I could count on both hands and feet
regret is natural and normal and healthy
but some of it is not
the kind that creeps up on you day after day
when your brain isn’t fully involved in something or a conversation and so there is space to fill with memories, ideas, or a bunch of nonsense
or all of the bad things you’ve ever done in your whole entire life
I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone or said them out loud even
the past ruminates in my conscious
waiting to bite me in the most random moments when I least expect it
several sentences in and I still can’t get it out
the words are there right behind my lips but I can’t get them out
I might die one day being the only one who knows

It is disappointing
that every thing you think and build up in your mind
is better than the reality of it

I’ll love you forever if you let me
If you want me to
If you feel the way I do
because I believe you hung the moon
and we met in the galaxies
somewhere when our souls were just stardust
and energy
our vibrations are higher together
I have met you in every life and I’ll meet you in every single one after this
I remember whispering to you
“I have waited for you for so long, I’m so glad I found you”

This is the perfect time to write
I’m right at the end of 25 years on this planet
Sitting in a bar at 3:14 pm on a cold Thursday in January, 2021
I’ve had a bad day
So I decided driving by this bar that I was gonna stop and have a drink because that’s what I needed today
So far I was right
I ordered a angry orchard on an empty stomach and drank the first half really quickly so I’d get that good buzz really quickly
the nice bartender, an older lady asked me if wanted food so I asked for a menu because, why not?
I’m broker than ever and can’t really afford to be doing what I’m doing right now but what’s an extra 6.99 on pretzel sticks with beer cheese?
It’s beer cheese for heavens sake.
when the going gets tough, the tough get going
to get a good drink on tap
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time
I get lucky I guess
My whole life has been built on me
Completely on me to decide where I’m gonna go and how my life is going to look
That’s kind of scary honestly
that my life and my sons life relies completely on my shoulders
I can’t ***** up
I can’t give up
So we will just keep going

I feel like I’ve been running since I was 18
always chasing down something I felt I had to achieve
I had a plan and lists of hopes for my future
and 8 years later I have checked almost every box off my list
that feeling of accomplishment comes in waves
knowing my hard work paid off
knowing where I was and where I am today makes me grateful
so very grateful
for everything
all the stuff I had to go through
all the pain I felt
and happiness along the way
I feel like I can stop running
and start walking to take it all in
not because I have checked almost all of my boxes
but because I checked the one box that I never put down


I have found peace in my everyday life
satisfaction
and a knowing that things will be okay
no matter what happens
because I am grateful
because I believe in myself
because
I know myself now better than I ever have
It’s an understanding
of all the uncertainty I’ve faced in my past and that I will face in my future


I hope on your grocery list for your life
you find inner peace and security in trusting yourself
as you chase all of your dreams
that way when you come to the end
you can start making more boxes