Today has turned into one of those days where I feel like I’m missing out on life
whatever that means
wherever it means


it means I’m at home, a young mother at 25, at home on a Tuesday evening and I have work in the morning and I’m feeling left out
I’m feeling jealous of anyone who isn’t tied down to someone
I’ve gotten to taste what that life is like,
on the weekends my son is with his father,
it’s bittersweet,
It feels so good to do what you want with no responsibility for a little while
but having someone to miss and a home to go home to hits different when you know what you’re missing


It’s a lonely life
I didn’t realize how isolating parenthood can be
how many hours alone I would spend
how much time I’d be unable to talk to another adult
how much I’d feel left out by the people I care about
how many times I’ve had to turn down plans because I had my child

It’s also a fulfilling life
a beautiful one
a challenging one
a scary one
a fun, adorable, loving, and be loved life I have

It’s just a Tuesday night
and I’m at home with my kid on my couch in my living room
one day I’m gonna miss these days
I have successfully written myself out of the funk I was in when I started this
thanks for listening

I’m sick of my brain telling me no one cares
that no one really loves me and if I wasn’t around no one would notice
It’s told me this my whole life
For as long as I can recall memories
And as long as I’ve been old enough to think for myself,
my brain has lied to me so many times

I can love myself so much better
comparison steals my ability to see my beauty
I spend so much time loathing
I don’t know what to compare myself to anymore

I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face

I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much

I realized when I left
that meant I was going to be alone
for awhile
for years maybe
that it would be challenging to find someone who could put up with me
love me for all my many quirks and sarcastic comments
my attitude on my good and bad days
I realized leaving meant many many lonely days
and possibly even lonelier nights
but that it could also mean
many many filled moments of figuring myself out like never before
and maybe, loneliness would teach me a thing or two about loving myself for the very first time
when I have nothing left, I will have Me