you smell of whiskey and smoke
your hands are stained with black ink
you forget the simplest things
you're a terrible dancer
you're afraid of nothing and everything all at once
I can tell when you're lying, you always hesitate
you get angry too quickly; it scares me but never because I'm afraid you'd hurt me
you chew loudly
you are wild and unrepentant
your laughter is filled with sincerity
your jokes are always cheesy
you never fail to make me smile
you have made me cry
you make me worry
you're full of courage and whiskey.
I love you. I love you. I love you.

for me
being open about my feelings
has always left me at a loss
it has led me to hide behind a smile
or smoke another cigarette
in hopes of feeling what I want to
not what I actually do
I have cried more tears over not knowing what I needed more than I'd like to admit

I never realized how hard the bad days were until I got what I thought I wanted
being alone
being without you
now that I no longer have you to blame
it's more than obvious that on all the bad days
You were the only thing good about them

I woke up today like I do any other

trying to come out of a dream that confuses my reality when I first wake up
for a couple of seconds when I open my eyes
I can imagine your still here
I can drag my dream into the sunlight
and make believe that this whole thing was just a nightmare

tonight I just want to tell you how I'm lonely
how I'm here worse than I thought I was
so instead I grab a blanket and some cigarettes and fake a smile and force myself to be cool
loneliness is a ****** thing
creeping up when I didn't ask it to
like unpaid bills and shoulder pain
how can I be frustrated and sad when I never asked you to stay?
I just continue to do this to myself
open up my heart, confuse happiness with temporary bliss and stumble into a mirror only to see my aching soul screaming back at me
I wonder sometimes, like I have for years, if this feeling will ever go away
if I will ever be able to truly tell myself,
I'm okay

for 3 days I cried
like a waterfall overflowing
my tears were unstoppable

and it was like every little emotion I had bottled up
attacked every nerve and every cell in my body
my soul was weeping for what I had lost
my heart had just finally allowed itself to break

all those hours I cried over you
over what I had done to you
over how I had hurt you
and how I had lost you forever
all those minutes I spent in agony
feeling like my insides were being ripped in two
I hurt over you
all those seconds I beat myself up trying to find a solution, a choice
I never once made myself an option

3 days later I woke up and realized I had been crying over everyone but the person who deserved it the most
Me
I should have spent those tears on the person who needed them all this time
I was writhing in agony over who to choose and not once did I stop to think,
I am the ******* choice
I do not deserve to be made to split myself open so painfully for others
when I deserve to be planted deep in my own ground and stay rooted in my own soul

I am already everything I've ever needed
it was the pain that made me believe I was not
the fact that I loved others so deeply that led to me believe I wasn't capable of giving that love to myself
it was the hand that plucked me up like a flower
and tried desperately to keep me alive with a vase and some water
when my roots were not meant to be confined in the first place

I can not give you a good reason why some days my heart races into infinity
and other days it chooses to leave me hollow

that would be like asking me to rip open my chest
to expect something wild and free to do anything except what it wants just for you

my soul simply wanders into the direction my arrow chooses to go

I cannot tell you why sometimes my heart allows me to overflow my veins with happiness
while at the same time pumping anxiety into my sternum

I have spent my years searching
desperately trying to figure out an ***** that was never meant to be explained to the owner of it's shell

I have been asked what I am doing with my life
and my answer is always the same
listening to my heart when it's disagreeing with my brain