My brain is a muddled up mess
I am surrounded by family
But they are all strangers

Perhaps I am the stranger
The stranger they poke and **** at
Just to see how much she can bleed

How much can she take
Before she turns into a wreck
Slumped on the floor

Scathing words and half truths
Slam into me, worm their way into my mind
Killing me slowly, from the inside out

I can feel the tears
Pushing against my eyes
Wishing to be set free

Maybe I should set them free
And let them drown everyone
Everyone who has ever harmed me

If I open the floodgates
Maybe you all
Can crash and burn with me

Suddenly
So randomly
Everything becomes too much

Too bright
Too loud
Too full
Too
Much

Suddenly
So randomly
The lights coat my eyes

They're shinning down
Into my eyes
Blinding me
Flooding my senses
Assaulting me
I cannot see

Suddenly
So randomly
I cannot breathe

There is no air left for me
I'm choking
Little huffs of breath
Escape past my quivering lips
It feels like nothing is coming
In or out

Suddenly
So randomly
I can hear everything

My mind will not shut off
The noises feel as if
A loud speaker
Is blaring directly into my ears
I cannot turn it off

Suddenly
So randomly
The room is so full

Everyone is surrounding me
They haven't moved,
Yet they are all around
I cannot escape

Suddenly
So randomly
My heart feels as if it will burst

The pounding of my heart
Echoes in my head
Jumping against my chest
Threatening to break free

I am assaulted by my own senses
I cannot turn them off
They're there
All at once

Too much
Too much
Too much

I wonder when all the lies will catch up with me
get lodged in my throat
and make me choke with the weight of them

When did telling people that I'm fine
become such a bold faced lie

When did hiding my feelings
behind a painted on smile
became normal for me

My smile is heavy
leaving behind an aching jaw
but no joy

My eyes shinning
not with laughter
but with the tears I refuse to shed

My face is a mask
An impenetrable fortress
That will not be torn down

No one will know how I suffer
how I suffer so greatly

How my heart pounds in my chest
My ears ringing with the incessant noises
The lights are too bright
The world is too full
I cannot breathe

The people around me **** the oxygen out of the air
and leave me with nothing
Nothing but my pounding heart
and aching ears

My shaking hands
are quivering with the force it takes to lift them

To act normally

To act as if I don't feel like I am dying

Short, panicked breathes escape my lips
I think they will give me away

But don't worry

No one notices me anyway

strangers gathered around a table
talking and laughing
smiling at each other like they have a secret
an inside joke
a bond

they are surrounding me
the cheerful mood is intoxicating
makes me feel as if everything will be okay

the mirage shatters
the illusion disappears

I do not belong here
I have never belonged here

I have always been on the outside
looking in

I often catch myself wanting
and wishing
to be in

to feel at peace
and happy
is all I have ever wanted
to be included

but I will always be on the outside of everything
and never truly belong