i pretend not to notice the sudden lack of responses, the lack of mutuality, the lack of [insert here].
i just told myself you were busy.
but i can't take it anymore.

i'm losing my mind with every breath i take, and every tear that falls down my cheek taunts me for allowing you, a human, to dictate too much of my happiness.

i'm always seen as mean when i say i don't want to befriend anyone else.
i don't want to waste my time becoming anyone else's option, when i deserve to be a priority.

is that too much to ask?

i can't bring myself to feel for you, to feel for me because it would be nothing more than a waste of time.
i can't bring myself to take the time out of my so-called busy schedule to tell someone how I really feel,
not even myself.

Here's something
You know you're truly messed up when you're self aware, but "too deep" as you tell yourself.

You're so deep that you can't even force yourself to feel bad.

You can't force yourself to care.

My worst fear is to be too afraid to look in the mirror.

And here I am shaking as I don't want to look in the light at my endless sins.

Still, I can't force myself to care just even a little bit to change.

may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

a striking slice along the creamy white
freckle galaxy that is my thighs

is this what i've become?

a dab of crimson, slow pour at first
then a scarlet waterfall, perfect picture of my pain.

why did i do this

throbbing pain, dulling my senses
my mind is numb, almost at ease.

it hurts, i knew it would

gently easing cotton over wound,
bittersweet burgundy blood, feeding into pristine purity

what have i done

I could never tell you
exactly what's going on inside my head,
so I'll write instead.
Drown my thoughts in paper & lead.
Keep my hands alive,
and my expression dead.