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 May 2018 lilly grace
nicole
Your worst enemy is the one you hold the closest.
The one who knows your weaknesses and buttons better than anyone.
Knows the breaking point of me better than most.
The countless arguments, countless laughs, and deep conversations have made me aware of his soft spots, as well.
Somehow, we haven't managed to break each other yet.
Every argument we have is restrained, by the invisible cage we put on ourselves.
We hit, and leave each other bleeding, but also stitch each other back up.
Our fights are brutal.
When we talk to each other, there is a slight feeling of unease that causes us to pull back when we speak to each other,
analyzing what is appropriate to say to one another.
But we cut the tension with a knife that we hide in our back pocket.
There is a naturalness in the conversation.
A flow in the river that is not forced.
A wind that doesn't hit you in the face.
When we are together we are dangerous.
A ruthless team with internal problems.
Opposites but alike.
Normals but freaks.
Teammates but rivals.
That's us for ya.
This is about one of my best friends.
 May 2018 lilly grace
adriana
Rx
 May 2018 lilly grace
adriana
Rx
There are four pill bottles in my cabinet.
1.) Vicodin for the pain, the agony that comes in the night, the suffering.
2.) Prozac for the numbness, the void, the grey space in my brain.
3.) Ativan for the insomnia, the late night tears, the constant thinking.
4.) Xanax for the panic, the racing heartbeats, the walls closing in.
I'm working on a couple more.
There are four pill bottles in my cabinet.
All of them are almost empty.
 May 2018 lilly grace
levi eden r
i woke up again.
this morning filling my glass with anxiety.
my limps swung, hung over me, and held me down.
i felt my heart turn into an anchor,
why am i feeling so much pain when i was okay yesterday?
i was laughing yesterday,
i was smiling yesterday.
those silent moments with both myself and my friends,
wiped my smile away as my sadness sat with me and sunk into me,
caught up with me.
"you're not supposed to be happy."
i don't want to be like this forever.
i'm banging my fists on the walls of my mind and on my walls,
in frustration.
i woke up again,
wishing i didn't.
i don't feel so good
My dog has died.
I buried him in the garden
next to a rusted old machine.

Some day I'll join him right there,
but now he's gone with his shaggy coat,
his bad manners and his cold nose,
and I, the materialist, who never believed
in any promised heaven in the sky
for any human being,
I believe in a heaven I'll never enter.
Yes, I believe in a heaven for all dogdom
where my dog waits for my arrival
waving his fan-like tail in friendship.

Ai, I'll not speak of sadness here on earth,
of having lost a companion
who was never servile.
His friendship for me, like that of a porcupine
withholding its authority,
was the friendship of a star, aloof,
with no more intimacy than was called for,
with no exaggerations:
he never climbed all over my clothes
filling me full of his hair or his mange,
he never rubbed up against my knee
like other dogs obsessed with ***.

No, my dog used to gaze at me,
paying me the attention I need,
the attention required
to make a vain person like me understand
that, being a dog, he was wasting time,
but, with those eyes so much purer than mine,
he'd keep on gazing at me
with a look that reserved for me alone
all his sweet and shaggy life,
always near me, never troubling me,
and asking nothing.

Ai, how many times have I envied his tail
as we walked together on the shores of the sea
in the lonely winter of Isla Negra
where the wintering birds filled the sky
and my hairy dog was jumping about
full of the voltage of the sea's movement:
my wandering dog, sniffing away
with his golden tail held high,
face to face with the ocean's spray.

Joyful, joyful, joyful,
as only dogs know how to be happy
with only the autonomy
of their shameless spirit.

There are no good-byes for my dog who has died,
and we don't now and never did lie to each other.

So now he's gone and I buried him,
and that's all there is to it.
Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down
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