Deep bass pounding in ears
Red and blue lights dancing around heads
Shadows and silhouettes
Whispers and kisses

Don't think

Alcohol pulsing through veins
Mindless souls moving to the same beat
Hitting notes, scratching marks
Trying to leave a trace on this vast universe

Missing

Anthems blaring through hidden speakers
Heartbeats in sync with the drums
Melding in the throng of grinding bodies
Heels and boots marching to the rhythm

Drifting

Maps and compasses thrown into the ocean
Steering wheel left unguarded
Wave after wave of heavy thoughts
Pushed to the boundary of the horizon

I think it was the way your bangs fell over your eyes
Softening your features and bringing out the life
In those pair of brown eyes
As the clouds hung on the blue sky behind you
As another stood with his arms around you
While you smile in blissful happiness
Made me realize
It's time to snip away the threads
It's time to move on

Listening to the monotonous droning of the professor's voice
Going on and on becoming white noise
My eyelids growing heavy, like I'm trying to support the sky with my two hands
Vision becoming blurry as I glance around the room
To see your eyes meet mine
Those brown ones so fine
A little shy as we tread this fine line
Where we are on two ends with arms outstretched
Yet not too sure if our intentions matched
I could feel the heat rushing to my cheeks
On this morning at ten thirty
The professor goes on and on but all I see is you
Smiling at me in a seminar room

Different yet similar, similar yet different.
You don’t know
exactly how the other thinks but it’s like you knew.
Telepathy? Maybe not.
It’s more like
knowing the person so well that you’re so alike
you think the same way
you walk the same way
yet we are different
and yet we are not.

It’s a friendship to remember, it’s a friendship
forever
I made an oath before
I hope you can recall.
Though it’s okay to forget,
since I’ll be here to remind you.
Since the first day we met,
we have been stuck like glue.

It’s a friendship I’ll never forget,
and one I’ll never regret.
I love you.

I know you love me too.

“I know what you’re thinking.”

Do you?
You can’t read me like an open book.
You have no idea what I truly think.
What makes you so sure I even see you as a friend like the way you see me?

You see me
as a studious girl, diligently finishing my work
as an intelligent girl, acing the tests in the subjects I’m good at
as a responsible girl, always carrying out my duties with zeal and efficiency
as a kind hearted girl, courteous and honest
You also see me
as a mean girl who gossips about others
as a conceited girl who brags on and on about herself
as a selfish girl who does things only if it is to her benefit
as a coward who is afraid of so many things
as a lazy *** who does nothing in weekends
The list goes on.

Just because you see the good and the bad of me, you think
you know me.
Do you?
Don’t be too quick to answer that question.

You will never know the nights I spend going insane
thinking about myself
thinking about you
thinking about others
You will never know about the times when I breakdown into a useless emotional wreck
with the tiniest action from someone
You will never know about the certain few nights and what I did to myself
and how I cry
on and on, nails digging deep into my palms, on and on, uncontrollably hyperventilating, on and on… even when I don’t want to.
You will never know about the content in my diary
what these words really mean
what my purposes are

You will never know about the way my brain is wired
about the way I see the world
about the way my mind is poisoned, tainted, corrupted, trained to manipulate, functioned to lie.

You don’t know me even if you think you do.

You don’t know about how much I fear myself while I type these words
while I’m thinking about the pain in my heart and how it is therapeutic.

My lips are parched, my throat is dry, my breath is coming out in slow deliberate long breaths.
My mind stays warped, damaged and tainted.
The edges of my eyes hurt from too much rubbing.
My heart is still hurting, as it does every day and night.
My eyes stay shut as I think about how I am going to survive tomorrow.

You ask me why I hate everyone. You ask me why I am so pessimistic. You ask me why I am so irritable. You ask me so many questions and you say
“I know what you’re thinking.”*
Do you
when I don’t even know myself anymore?

Curse my painted lips
Which speak your name
Like a fireplace in winter
                        
Curse my bleeding lips
Which speak your name
Like a blizzard in Antarctica

Curse my crimson lips
**** them till they surrender
And never shall they speak the name
Of unrequited love

Take my hand
Don’t be afraid
Follow my lead
And you’ll always be safe
Keep your eyes on mine
Forget your worries
Read my lips
*On the count of three

It’s a night to remember
A nightmare forever
The stars crashed down
Bursting into shimmers, burning the universe.
It’s a nightmare inside her
Forever she’ll remember
The day you plucked stars from the skies
The day you poisoned her eyes.

Color of my blood
You’re the lighthouse in my storms
You’re where I belong

Slowly, slowly, time is slipping away
Softly, gently, the clouds darken to grey
Quietly, eyes closed, shadows fade
Slowly, slowly, I'm going away

how do I find strength in silence
where do I find courage in darkness
my heart can't take blows one after another
I know you can't help it
yet please
tell me your hidden thoughts so I can carry them
tell me your anxieties so I can allay them
let me be strong enough to carry both our worlds
even if my spine snaps or my shoulders break
trust me
I'll be strong enough to carry both our worlds

Dust, sand, pepper, I'm not too sure
Which went into my eyes but I'm tearing furiously
Through my blurred vision, I saw another
In the dark corner, with her knees to her chest
Hands covering her face
In the dark she wept
Was it you I saw or is this my reflection?

One foot over another, another after another
I could feel the coolness against my feet
Under my weight the grains compress
As I walk, following an unknown beat
A look behind caught sight of the wave
Erasing my tracks on the summer beach
Once, I left my mark on your heart
But I guess you’ve erased it when we part

I lay down on my back, breathing in the sea breeze
A heart empty, my mind drifting
Like a raft alone in the vast ocean
Drifting without an end in sight
It’s cool and calm, and I could hear the ocean speak

Like an autumn leaf falling to the ground
Reddish brown hues all around
If you didn’t look closely you wouldn’t know
Which leaf had last fallen
When I had disappeared into the crowd

I used to like falling, mindless falling into the arms of strangers
Dangling my heart for others to see, pouring my thoughts out of me
I guess the game was too easy
And now I keep the words in me

Pretty words for myself to read
A loneliness like a single fir tree
Withstanding winter alone in the falling snow
If you didn’t look closely you wouldn’t know
Where it was under the blanket of snow

Raindrops
I lifted my head to face the drizzling rain
Little streaks in the background
Wetting my cheeks, damping my hair, soaking my clothes

Rain clouds overhead
Grey cotton puffs in the vast and wide sky
Shielding the light, bringing the cold with them
I stood in the pouring rain, letting the chill sink into my bones
Like needles boring into my joints
Do I have an umbrella?
Yes, yes I do.
It's in my hand, waiting to be opened.
Do I want to use the umbrella?
Perhaps.

But the rain makes me feel
Even if the only thing I feel is pain
I'd want to feel alive

Exhilaration floods through me as I emerge from my cocoon
Spreading my wings
Extending my new body features
Taking flight for the very first time

Through the winds I fly
Into the clouds I soar
From the rain I hide
The flower bed is my dance floor

I twirl, I flutter above the crocuses
The blue and violet outstanding in the green field
But it’s not them that caught my attention
You caught my eye

I twirl,
I flutter,
I swirl, I flutter—
I’m trapped in white

Into the winds I cry
From clouds I fall
In the rain I lie
I don’t visit the flower bed
Anymore

You stole my heart
You control my heart
Your smiles, your tears, hold my limbs against the white sticky strands
I can’t move, I can’t escape
My heart beats for you
My heart is only for you

My smiles, my tears, for myself to see
My life is in your hands
My freedom is in your hands

The blistering heat is you
The chilly wind is you
You are the angel’s temptation
I am the one with wings chained

The fire is you
The storm is you
You are the devil who spins the web
I am the one awaiting death

Into the wind I cry, I cry for the last bit of hope I’m holding on to
In the rain I lie, I embrace the beautiful dream we had
You are the one who spins the web, cunning and charismatic
I am the one trapped in the web, destroyed yet
Drunk in love

the wooden bridges connecting you and me
on the day you decided to leave
on the day I realised you weren't coming back
I tore them down, I burned them down
ripping the charred wood as though
wrenching my ribs out of my chest
one by one didn't hurt at all

by the time I reached the last bridge
which still connects you and me
(on the bridge carved both your name and mine)
I dismantled the bridge with the expertise of a carpenter
one by one the wooden planks fell to my side
I didn't build a campfire with them
this last bridge
shall be a memory

with the wood I built a boat
a little boat carrying only me
in this little boat I sail towards the open sea