i don't think, necessarily, that i wanted to be
the way that i am.
i find it hard to leave my room most days,
spending my time speaking to a keyboard
(about
my
feelings)
rather than a professional.
and i'm sure the big wide world (is)n't all that
scary, (especially) nor the people in it,
but i cannot seem to find the
          courage
to leave my room
  (or
  speak
  to
  anyone.)
and i think people do want to know me (but not the real me),
i think my family isn't as bad as they seem
(when they aren't yelling anyway)
but i can't seem to let them (do i want to let them?) in.

and i know it's my fault
if i could just open my bedroom door,
open my mouth,
open myself up to others,
    ( i
wouldn't be so
     alone. )

I am black coffee with curves of sugar.
I am a spoon of chocolate
I am soul food
I am a wombed man
The rib of an african king
The golden crown of the cosmos.

I am full moon or a sunset
I am light,
I am a spark,
a flame,
a bonfire,
I am fire works.

I’ll leave traces of smoke in your nostrils.,
Just so you’ll recognize my presence when you’re seeking me.
I’ll shelter myself between your veins just to make your heart beat a little faster.
I am the revolution of love.
I am a silenced desire.

I can't wait for the day that I find someone where I don't have to question if they want me around.

Because all this not knowing is killing my soul.

Sometimes your heart needs to be broken
So you can see what's underneath,
To the flicker and flame of your soul
That you've always been destined to meet.

Sometimes your spirit shines brighter
Through the glimmering light of your tears,
And when you arrive at the end of it all
Love will outshine the darkest of years

dear God,
I know you get tired of the way I make these promises to change..
but God, I swear my sins are the only things that numb my pain..
sometimes I feel like you don't hear me though..
I mean, I be calling you and you don't even say 'hello'.
so reaching out seems futile to me.
cause at the end of it all, I still feel like nobody.
so I end up with some ***** that's not worth it in my draws.
or I end up throwing liquor back to hear people's applause.
I know you hear me some nights, sobbing uncontrollably.
because I wish.. I wish I didn't let the devil get a hold of me.
so hard to do good, so easy to do evil.
tryna right my wrongs before the chance is all gone..
all my life in church and Satan still got in.
and to be honest, I'M SCARED I CAN'T STOP HIM.
my momma always told me not to play with demons..
somebody wake me up PLEASE, I swear I'm dreaming.
blade to my wrist, I won't stop the bleeding..
but God, I know you hear me.. I know you see me pleading.
at this point, i just need something to believe in.

I almost wrote you a love poem
...but I don't love you.

Your crayola stained lies turned my blue skies to gray
so how could I be happy when there's no sunshine today?
No sunshine today turned to no sunshine to this date
so to this day I'm embodied in the darkness that you made.

I almost wrote you a love poem
but instead I wrote a riddle.

I repose homely in dark spaces
because I've adapted to the dark.
I'm engulfed in darkness
But I'm that gleaming light from afar.

Answer is,
I'm a Star.

Consensus:
Your devious dark deeds attempted to deviate
my direction and detach me from the light leaving me in darkness
but I empowered myself,
debunking your detrimental ways
and becoming the light you tried so hard to take from me.

I almost wrote you a love poem
and if I did,
it'd say I love you.
...but this isn't a love poem!
and the only I love yous I recall,
are the lies you told me
and the truths you told him.

I almost wrote you a love poem,
...and if I did,
If I did write you a love poem..
I bet I'd have nailed it!
...but you ******* it all up
and now,
who's really the fool?

I almost  wrote you a love poem,
and if I did,
it  would have went a little something like
...idk

*because loving you is something I never want to do.

I wish kisses could leave
scars, and pain
would leave no trace of its
presence behind. I've been
to so many places with strangers
and each time I imagined it was some version of you
with me instead.

Save our own hearts by
entering another. Devouring another.
I'm not sure what love is
but faulty incantations, a changing
forecast in stormy minds.
I'm denying myself again from touching
the truth because

holding someone forever and
into eternity
is difficult to comprehend for
a mind that feels more alone when looking
at the stars,
for someone who feels like an intruder
in the house they grew up
in, and is still searching
underneath doormats for "home".

It would be nice for a breeze to catch
my lungs like a net
and whisk me away from
where I stand
against myself. I'm hoping sooner or later
I'll get lost enough in a warm place
that wholly embraces me in ways
I can't for myself.