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"You're tired, aren't you?"*

Not in the way that you think.
Yeah I'm tired. Tired of loving the wrong people and getting hurt.
I  am not afraid of my truth anymore
And I will not omit pieces of my gore
Just to make you a bit more at ease
I will say and do as I please

I am a black sheep
I am a freak
I am not that stable person you seek
My past and future reek

I meditate
I hesitate
I contemplate
I self medicate

I'm a complicated person
Of that I am certain
I am not whole
I lost my soul
I've grown cold
But thats the way it goes
When there are holes
Because of pieces stole

I'm not afraid of my truth
No need to become a sleuth
I confess, it started in my youth

A step dad that loved to much
His putrid touch
Years spent in his clutch

I am a black sheep
I am a freak
I am not that stable person you seek
My past and future reek

A heartless mother
That just smothered
One sister and two dead brothers
Agonizing events, one after another

Heartless men
Used and sinned
Life in a spin
Latter in life ***** again

Sanity gone
Done so wrong
Growing weak, no longer strong
Just part of my sad life's song
If I wrote it all, this poem would be to long
**** rats and **** boy caps
Gas cans and empty beer cans
No dams in my way
No bills to pay
Just desperate days catching sun rays
Skin decay
Too much play.
I miss the summer months of drug addiction
Planning our lives out like a good fiction
Where the boy gets the girl.
And the premotion
No one told me id have to cross an ocean
Not of water, but sin
Fearfully thin.
Anger took my soul.
Withdrawl has refused to release its hold
Positive actions and negitive reactions
How do i get back to the good old days
Where all i worried about was getting paid
We each had our own way
No fear in the old days
I No longer hold Today
Hard to think
Hard to speak
Hard to walk
No retreat

Just breathe
Like i had a choice
Just because im breathing
Doesnt mean i have a voice.

Anxiety  shockwaves.
Ripple from my tounge
And though i am fearful
I know im only young.

Please hold me
Dont let the dark voices through
Though im alone
Im in the same room as you
I honestly despise anxiety.
What do i get for oppening my eyes? Unending pain .
I just want a good day
You know what we used to be
You know what we are
And though i pretend its ok to be
I can no longer stand her beeing so close
To me
You swore you would always come back for me.
Here I am, still holding on to that promise,
Though the hope has started to disintegrate,

When you leave, the rain never stops pouring,
Or is it my tears that won’t seem to cease,
Your absence is like a knife slowly twisting,
The blood dripping out has all my memories,
Memories tainted with you,
Time has stopped
As if it has malicious intent,
With neither time not fate on our side,
How could we possibly hope to fly?

Every time I close my eyes, I smell your scent,
I know you feel it too,
This undeniable pull,
The need to have you is so strong,
I feel breathless..

There is no light in you,
I’d fall into the darkest depths of despair with you,
I’d let you taint me.
I only ever wanted to stand in your shadow anyway.
Dont dance with me my sweet heart
Liqour pulses in my veins
Dont dance with me my sweetheart
Youll find the steps a pain
Ive cradled my waltz.
Into a foxtrot filled with faults
And lined up my dancing soldiers.
To march  like lightning bolts
I tuned every broken instrement
And muddied the clean floor.
Now i skip through mine feilds.
Never fear about the gore,
The path i dance is a riddle itself
One that can be answered by nobody else
I find the longer i dance to my solem tune
The longer i despise myself
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