We’re not as perfect as we like to say,
it's just another game that we play,
as you fall under my angelic spell.
the demon comes out.
and it wants to stay.
Cherubs cry,
as I tighten the ties,
and angels sob,
I put the gag back in your mouth.
blood red tears streaming down your back.
leather against skin,
cause you like it like that.
Your so cute when you scream,
its your masochistic dream.
biting deep in your skin.
face in the pillow,
suffocating again.
But you like that don’t you.
nails in your flesh,
color me aroused.
what’s the safe word you ask?
put that gag back in your mouth.

It's one of those times where I don't know what to do.
They say, "follow your heart," but it only leads back to you.
It's like a continuous circle that never seems to end.
But at the end of the day we both know we can't be just friends.
You're the air in my lungs when I can't seem to breathe.
You're the calm voice telling me to stay when all I want to do is leave.
You fill me with happiness I haven't felt in a while.
Just the sound of your sweet voice can instantly make me smile.
We try and try to make this work for the both of us.
But every time it ends you tell me it's because it was rushed.
Then in week, you'll come back to me with regret.
You'll tell me you messed up and I'm the best you'll ever get.
You'll hurt me forever if it heals yourself.
Because to you my love is nothing but a box on a shelf.
But then the circle will start up once again,
Because we both know we can never be just friends.

my stomach is in knots
and i feel so sick thinking about you
holding anyone that isn’t me
and i don’t understand why you thought it’d be a good idea
to tell me that you’re falling asleep at night
with another girl in your bed,
even if you’re not kissing her goodnight,
i tried to drown out my sobs all day with
modern vampires of the city on vinyl,
but it still feels like someone
sunk fangs in my lungs

it’s only been a week, the cuts from your nails
from holding my heart so tight
are still fresh
and i never asked you to stop,
i never told you i wanted to try
to be more than friends again,
i never tried to paint your hands red,
but all you could seem to do is defend
yourself and repeat that you’ve done nothing wrong
“you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends
you said we’re just friends”

and we are just friends
i just wanted you to understand and acknowledge
that it still hurts

and you can say you’re sorry, you said sorry,
but i’m sure she’s tucked in beneath your sheets right now
and you’re still repeating in your head
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
i’ve done nothing wrong
we’re just friends
we’re just friends
we’re just friends

and i’m glad you’re comfortable,
i’m glad you know you’ve done nothing wrong,
i’m glad you have someone to hold at night,
i’m glad thoughts of me don’t rip your heart out,
i’m glad you’re okay with being just friends

i’m glad you’re fine,

but, i’m sorry,
i’m not.

to: aleph

hey
there's so much things going on in these last two weeks. at least in my head. you left. i closed the door loudly. i locked it and i hoped that you could hear the sound of the locks clicking. ( but i didn't want you to hear how my hands was shaking when i was looking for the right key).

all i want to say is i'm sorry. i'm sorry i don't tell you enough, i'm sorry that i told you too much things that doesn't matter. i'm sorry i treat you like another ego-booster. i'm sorry i acted like i didn't care. i, in fact, really care about you and it hurts me to see you think that i don't.

please never forget the way i looked you in the eyes when we listen to that verse together.

i wish i was braver, i'd break this silence that's been killing me. but then again, if i was braver, i would have told you i love you a thousand times.

i'd say "i'd do it all again", sweetly like in one of our favorite songs, but no, i'm not brave enough, and we destroyed each other too much.

--status: draft. 26.3.2015 22:47

3:04 AM
hey are you up

3:04 AM
i need to see you... or talk to you

3:05 AM
or at least know you're there

3:07 AM
you're probably sleeping...or with someone else who matters

3:07 AM
I know we haven't talked in a long time but I really need you right now

3:08 AM
remember when I told you about my really bad days and how I think the world is about to crumble any second and the sun will never rise again and all the planes flying over my house are going to crash right into it and how every car on the road seems like its about to slam right into mine and how i'm terrified of everyone and everything?

3:09 AM
yea thats what happening right now

3:09 AM
look i need you to ******* pay attention to me right now you ******* owe me

3:09 AM
I'm sorry i didnt mean that i just really ******* need you

3:09 AM
please

3:09 AM
are you there

3:10 AM
do you care

A car crashed into our tree last night, one fatal last mistake.
It was a cooper mini; I never heard the driver brake.
My wife, a nurse, ran to the car, then, sadly, backed away.
“There’s nothing I can do for him. This was his dying day.”
I could see there was a lot of blood; the driver’s chest was crushed.
I got the precinct on my cell. I said-“you need not rush.”
An ambulance came and his corpse was freed;
at the scene  he was pronounced deceased.
I knew he’d had a violent end, but reasoned it was quick at least.
The road was dry and freshly paved and, as per the EMT,
There was no hint of alcohol when they pried him from the tree.

The patrol called for his next of kin, and, as the sun rose in the East,
a woman with her baby came, her face a mask of grief.
Her fiancé was thirty and that night he’d tended bar.
He’d been working lots of overtime to save for their new car.
A baby’s needs are many and often dollars are too few.
I didn’t know how she would cope and somehow make it through
Her face betrayed a fresh concern; I saw her check her phone.
“I had sent my fiancé a text- he was late coming home.”
I knew what time the crash occurred; it had awakened me,
But I was unspecific.” It happened around three.”
She showed me then the text she’d sent that may have caused his end
The time stamped on her text message read “2:31AM”