"Why can't you love yourself?"

*"What's not to hate?"

I have made a habit of storing pieces of myself into others so that they have something to hold onto when they have lost themselves.
But I have learned that people are not so careful with what does not belong to them because now I am a just a walking dispensary of bruised knuckles and scarred hearts

(Plain text-Guy Girl  Friend)

Even years later, your shadow has yet to fade,
And my emotions only grow more intense,
I was squatting, sketching by myself...

On a hilly road, under the scorching sun,
Our blurry figures were walking.
The summer heat lingered in my eyes.

"Stop bothering me! Just leave me already!"
I said, brushing your hand away,
"No I won't leave you."
You exclaimed and grabbed my hand tightly,
"You're so annoying!"
I said and walked a little bit ahead of you,
Without ever looking back.
"How do you really feel?"

If I'm just "wise" then I'll never move forward,
I have no reason to so I'll just rot away here,
I wish the clock would turn back for me...

Years may pass, but I'll never die,
I repeat some hopeful words to myself,
Even though I know that,
I still won't be able to reach you

I just don't care!
"Let me die already!" I said,
As I clutched my fist while cursing myself...
Helpless to do anything, I simply
Indulged myself in life.

If summer can show me dreams, then
Let's go back to before you were taken away,
Those days where I hid my embarrassment
Lit up the air and consumed my mind!

A boy who had turned 18,
Waited for her again somewhere,
Remembering those figures
Of blurring silhouettes...

Underneath the blazing sun in an empty schoolyard,
Today too, I heard you said, while smiling,
"Let's play together"
As you swayed from side to side.

"I'm worried" she said with an uneasy face,
Someone like a neighbor
Wouldn't ever understand so,
Please don't act to be so sad...

Feeling hazy, let's remain indifferent today too,
And just retain yesterday's pace,
So that I won't ever forget your warmth...

If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then
I'll embrace this hazy past
And have a dream that I won't wake up from,
And isolate myself from the rest of the world...

"But that means you can't even see tomorrow?"
It's ok, I don't really care about that...
And I stained my hands
In order to **** these dreadful days
I'm choosing "solitude" after all!

A rotten boy aged at 18,
Today too, prayed again,
While clinging on to your fluffy smile.

Underneath the blazing sun,
Asking, somehow please take me away!
Instead of leaving me like this!
And my murmuring was silently stopped...

"Can you hear me?"
The voice asked and vanished,
The reason, somehow, became clear,
I reached out a hand in the summer heat daze...

The young boy, wishing under the scorching sun,
Found himself standing back then,
Your summery smile is exactly as I remembered it.
"Yes I died and I'm so sorry,"
"Let's say our goodbyes?"
Please don't talk like that! Don't leave me!

A silhouette was watching me as this happened.

Once I loved a pretty girl
But she don’t live round here no more
Ventured out into the world
To keep her pride and settle scores

I remember brighter days
Full of song and open seas
Then mid-September’s chill gave way
We can’t refuse our destiny

Seasons changed – feelings, too
Suddenly she’s out of touch
Portraits of our dream won’t do
Now as I paint, I lick the brush

After hours at the bar
Chewing fat and catching eyes
Often wonder where you are
Or if that’s you dressed in disguise

Once I loved another girl
But not the same one as before
Like a clam without a pearl
She was a shell without a core

I tried to help; I gave her love
Favors, ***, and cash to burn
Everything I could think of!
And asked for nothing in return

Then I fell into a hole –
Funny how these things turn out –
In need of but a gentle soul
To lift me up above the clouds

But when I asked for her to care
To show the warmth of open arms
She offered nothing but a stare
And only time could break her guard

Once I healed a broken heart
Brought about by foolish charm
Gave it my all right from the start
Unraveled like a ball of yarn

Days went by and turned to months
Drawing close to my twine’s end
So I sought out familiar fronts
To seek the love of kin & friends

My heart grew warm and full of joy
I leaped with faith and did good deeds
My shaded past would not destroy
The man that only I could be

The months grew closer to next year
As one by one I placed the stones
That built the path to facing fear
And taking on the world alone

Once I triumphed over evil
Choked the devil til he died
Oh, he’ll be back, there’s no doubt he will
But never more shall steal my pride

Once I learned that Love is Evil
Now she’s back to claim her prize
But I won’t let my heart be refilled
Without the whole piece of the pie

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

1:49 a.m.
a thought : only you.
i think love needs to redefine itself in my head, now that it has met you. a.m.'s are not times of daydreams and unintended smiles, at least not to me. a.m.'s are more of emotional breakdowns and trying to cool myself the **** down. sometimes a.m.'s are transient thoughts and other times just deep sleep. but all a.m.'s have been about lately are you. an unsteady heart beat, a churning stomach, and a nervous laugh. surprisingly, i don't hate it all that much.
9:45 p.m.
i slept while thinking of you yesterday, i think that's the best sleep i've had in a while. anyway, you know how they say you're ****** when the thoughts that only hit you at night, start taking over 24/7? well, i don't agree. my nights have always been about you, and now my days are too and i cannot think of anyone other than you who's worth thinking about, dreaming about, talking to, laughing with.
9:52 p.m.
i forgot that i'm supposed to write these hours apart from each other. i guess i can't wait a whole lot to start talking about you again. i don't think i've ever craved someone's presence so much. i don't think i detested anyone's absence before i met you either. they say time is not to go to waste, but even if i spend an eternity trying to figure you out, i'd still have managed my time well. nothing ever goes to waste when you're involved.
10:56 p.m.
my mind has been wandering off for the past hour. i think i'll create a new language to describe you with, i might've run out of adjectives that exist. i'm not one to ever get speechless, i think you know this by now, i talk more than i breathe, but my emotions for you sometimes render me speechless and i don't want to spend a second not telling you how beautiful you are.
11:11 p.m.
a time in which people wish upon. now, i don't believe in this crap at all but i still wish for your well being every 11:11 just in case it's not as unrealistic as it sounds. i may not pray much, but when i do i always ask for you to be okay and i may not always appreciate good when good comes but once i had you back, i swear i've never been more thankful.
11:28 p.m.
i keep saying you're beautiful but that's not even the point i want to get across. beauty envies you, beauty tries to be you, because beauty will always only be appearance and you'll always be more than only that.
you can never be only one thing, you're not that limited. i know i talk about you like you're holy but that's only because you are and you always will be.
12:00 a.m.
i just realised that maybe i love you too much. you deserve all the love in the world though, all of it.

Blood-red eyes are all I can see through
They watch as everything around me shatters and dies
Nothing will cease this rampage of pure rage
I’ve no time for ideas like hope and love
These things have evaded my grasp for far too long
This body will climb its way out of pitiful pitfalls
Drag itself out of the heartbreak and misery
It has become something elemental
Something frightening
All my guarded secrets are discarded in an instant
I have few regards for these people anymore
The rhythm soon overtakes my senses
And the beating of a heart
Begins to match the tempo of utter devestation

Missing you comes in waves
crashing down against the shore,
  washing me away.
   Crimson flows like a river from my body,
    salt water streaming down my face.
     Missing you is a storm
       inside my head.
        Thunder pounding in my skull,
         wind gusting voices through my ears,
           lightening flashes memories of us,
             speeding by the countless i spent loving you
              and now i spend those hours missing you.
                I am washed away.