I sometimes
No I always
Wonder if people
Would care about me more
If I was just another dead girl
It's least likely for nobody cares anyway
So they could say go **** yourself and not care if you do

I sometimes
No I always
Wonder if people
Would see me for who I was
No just another nobody or a wannabe
They wouldn't see me for the intelligent and pretty and kind girl I am
It's basically they are ignoring the fact you are actually human as well.

I sometimes
No I always
Wonder if people
Would actually miss me
Out of the love and pain of their heart
Not just cause I helped them with homework or a problem

I however
Never seem
To realize
That no one would care
Except my parents and my five friends

I fail
To realize
That nobody except my family and five friends
Will see me for the me I truly was

I fail
To realize
That nobody but my family and five friends
Will truthfully miss me

I fail to realize
Because I shield reality
So it don't break me
If I see reality I shed tears constantly
If I see reality I see how terrible this world is
And all I can wonder is
If I died
Who would care
If I died
Who would see me for who I actually am
If I died
Who would miss me
If I died
Why was I given suicidal thoughts to begin with
Why was I bullied so much
Why was I hurt so much
Why did everyone break me
Why did I have to cry at everything
Why couldn't I have been tougher
Why couldn't I have fought longer
Why didn't I keep the ones that loved me close
Why did I push my loved ones away
Why did I make so many mistakes
Why did I turn away from God so much
Why did I doubt God
Why did I lose my best friends
Why did I gain friends worth more that I deserve
Why am I treated so nicely when I am a bad person
Why
Why
Why do I wish I were dead?
I have life so good
So why do I want to end it so badly
No matter how much I oust the thoughts away
Suicide
Anxiety
Depression
Low self esteem
No confidence

They come back stronger than I can handle anymore
So I want to just end it all
The headaches
The heartaches
They all come back

When asked if I am okay
All I can reply is
I'm fine
It's all I can do

But the only question
I want people to ask is

Why?

I don't think most people understand depression
                                                    ­                         suicide
                                                         ­                           PTSD
or the cycles that they come in as if they were tides.

People don't see past the smiles and laughter to the darkness within;
That you could be surrounded by love and feel okay
                                                            ­                            yet still be dead

That no matter how much comfort or peace you have it still gnaws away in the beck of your mind and chews a hole in your heart.

Cut wrists and suicide attempts aren't a cry for attention but for help;
does anybody out there hear me? see me? feel the way I feel? does anybody get that I am on the edge and losing it? why does nobody listen? why don't they take me serious? am I worth anything?

It disgusts me we execute the wounded and condemn their suffering;
Maybe they shouldn't feel the way they feel, but it's how they feel, so quit trying to tell them to stop feeling that way!
QUIT TRYING TO FIX THEM

Just be there... they need to know they aren't alone.

The value of art
Lies not in its beauty
But in its flaws
It's not about the perfection
But its mistakes
It's not about the art itself
Or the story it tells
The true value of art
Is how it makes you feel

Yesterday,
I Googled your name,
I searched under “image”,
Nothing came….
I dialed your phone,
It made me nervous,
A strange voice said it was “out of service”,
Your room is empty,
So is your chair,
I just can’t find you anywhere,
I looked in the mirror,
What else could I do?
Something familiar,
I look like you,
Sometimes your children are all that is left,
If I stare to long,
I get upset,
It’s only me,
10 years you’re gone,
Oh how I miss you, mom
©B L Costello 2017

There once was a lesbian named Zoë,
Who was born in a month quite snowy.
She has glasses on her face,
Enjoyed a warm embrace,
And her smile was big and glowy.