I often sneak out at night
and stand alone in the deserted street
the air almost as crisp as my loneliness severe
and soak in the beauty that is the world
standing still
completely motionless
from my perspective.
A world so noiseless that it leaves an echo
of silence in my ears
and quiet becomes a sound.
Every problem that attacks my mind at day
dissolves into the velvet sky
nothing matters
everyone is sleeping
vulnerable and at peace.
I feel a connection with my surroundings
and for a small moment
I get a glimpse of tranquility
that cannot be described
with any combination
of a meager 26 letters.

-kk

now,
the only thing that clears my mind
is the little park across the street
with it's soft dirt paths and circular moon lamps
it is here
in the smooth warm air
that i can forget it all, yet still think.

There are endless things that I do not know
There are endless things that may or may not be
with the little power I have
all I can do is relish myself in the things of beauty
that are unmistakably real and give me joy
they are undying proof that goodness exists
and is meant to be
even when I am confronted with days
when the gloomy haze prevents me from seeing the sky.

i stare at my window, not out
there is a difference
i am not seeing the world outside
there are are so many places i could be
but i am here, dreadfully
a prisoner to myself

i think i'm afraid
of how much you make me feel
and i'm worried i'm not enough
i lie awake in my sheets
imagining what it would take
to make you feel me

i'm unhealthy

everyday i make choices for myself with you in mind
everywhere i go i carry thoughts so heavy
every time i pass you i try my hardest to look ahead
i'm breaking apart
but it still feels like fireworks

from my window the rain made me numb
but when I walked outside
the rain healed me
held me
pulled me out of my screen
I needed to feel it
the must and the rush
surrounding me
tapping
fresh cold in my nose
forcing presence
I'm smiling
the rain reminds me

i've lost my pen pal
she used to collect sand dollars
and write poems for me
stay up late
reading about sharks
making fairy houses
bubbling from music
she was melancholy but she knew herself
like the moon over the ocean

i feel like i'm going in/sane?
i'm such a hypocrite
calling myself a feminist
but i shame my body every time i look in the mirror
and i let the boys hold the sculptor's tools
and i try to make them like me more by wearing makeup and pushing up my *******
and i talk behind other girls' backs
and sometimes i still have to bite my tongue when they talk about sleeping around
and i looked her up and down before she spoke a word
and the difference between a good and bad day can be all about my face
and i don't even use the privileges i have to help the oppressed be heard
but i want this all to stop
and that is why i am a feminist
because i get moments of clarity and awe
they are getting closer together and longer
i see the way us girls are never given a chance
it is a lot to ask of us to know any better
and it horrifies me that
the definition of torture can match up
with some of the manners in which we are brought up

look past all of the cliches
shake off your automatic response to go "ugh"
and realize the implications of being told you're an object
in society's state of mind
over half of the population shouldn't have a voice
and that doesn't even take into account the intersections
enough layers to drown in oppression
and compared to most i'm on top of the bottom

i test my surroundings
casually sliding my hands across things i might like
i feel sick when i don't know
what i want

i like listening to other people
with my eyes
trying to figure out
what makes their pupils widen
and if they know what its like
to be stuck
in a vortex of thought

things like
not going outside
and always being alone
should be crimes
and i'm a terrible offender

it messes with your mind
you end up thinking too much
because there's nothing new
to interest your endless flood
of creative juice
i'm a noiseless blender

getting stuck in your head
is a terrible place
to be
the mind is a very large
but cluttered space
full of yesterday echos
and quiet heartaches
waiting to pounce

i'm really good at
creating my own personal hell
i need to learn
to close my mental door
in the faces
of my fears

Time alone cannot heal all wounds
time is merely a fabrication of the human mind
that we use to organize and decipher our lives.
It is the realizations that we make and the experiences we have
along with the comforting idea of time's guiding hand
that allows the blood to clot and the skin to renew itself.

There is not a single guarantee about what lies ahead.
The dependence on time allows for these assumptions to be made.
Simply take down the clock from your mental wall and you may be infinite.

take a moment every day to be thankful
pen out your love
onto paper or into your thoughts
for the bed that cradles you
for the sun that kisses you
for the air that fills you endlessly
for the body and mind that give you purpose
for the people that need you among hundreds
and would feel empty in your absence
you are alive by these gifts
to embrace them is to be eternally wealthy

im moving soon
im going away
but no one answers the phone
or gives me the time of day
im sad and lonely
maybe no one knows what they have
until its gone
but i have a sinking feeling
they'll just forget and be done


with me.

i'm sitting on a bed without sheets
in a half-tidy room
that i didn't finish cleaning
i'm wearing the strangest outfit
a combination of the last clean garments
from my floor
which seems to be playing a game of hide and seek
behind boxes, and clothes, and things i will probably never need
i'm not quite sure if i'm hungry or just tired
but something feels wrong
maybe its a leftover feeling from just having opened my report card
that i fished out of the piles of mail
because i knew i'd have to face it sooner or later
and right now i wish i had chosen later
or maybe its because i've never even kissed a boy
or that everything always feels messy
and unfinished
like this poe


-kk

there's something sad about the sky
watching it fall down in colors
and paint itself to sleep
I sit and wait
for something I haven't figured out yet
listening to music that matches the hue
of the now darkened sky

I think that my disease is being okay
and living for momentary gratification
this week
nothing felt complete
you, me and everything that happened
standing in places because I should
looking at chilled and chiseled landscapes
that should transfix
but my eyes felt too hollow
not even being drunk felt like enough
I expect too much
and I feel so small

light trickles in from the window next door
same lot, new house, new family sleeping
its funny how things have changed around me
while i remain
i wonder if we will grow apart some day

i pass by the same faces, places
blank stares
no one cares all that much today
or yesterday
do i care? i don't know
i wonder if we will grow apart some day

i like to think there is a golden future ahead of me
when all this wandering ends
maybe loves and losses alike
and that I might forget
all the things that make me shudder in my sleep
i hope someone is sleeping next to me
i hope i am far away
i wonder if we will grow apart someday

we walk through days
telling ourselves
that no one will accept us
and the raindrops roll down the pane
and the breath fogs up the place
where a hand lay
when the mind was transfixed
on headstones and graves

we walk through days
telling ourselves
that no one will accept us
and the eyes are dry caves
and a sailor's knot sits in the stomach
with no one to untie it
but just like milk
emotions have an expiration date

we walk through days
telling ourselves
that no one will accept us
and people are driving cars
and picking the last donut from the box
while someone is in a bathroom stall
hand and heart gripping tight
on something sharp

hundreds of eyes in my mind
watch my every move
i guess they have mouths too
because they tell me i'm no good.

-kk

nothingness used to be my greatest fear
the fear of death
not an imaginable vacuum of darkness
but something without existence
something i cannot write about
but now i realize that the nothingness
is already here
i am nothing
humans have fabricated it all
and i am just a sequel
an invisible thread
pretending to have a purpose
i am alone

Fingers
tap
tap
tap
against the smooth desk
tracing the swirly curvatures in the wood
mind desperate for an escape
time is but a small door
patience is the key
body swaying to non existent melodies
hoping for a distraction from the inevitable.

-kk

everyone is drunk and laughing
obnoxious in the best of ways
the last time we will all be together
"this is freshman year" buzzes in my ears
on a whim i fumbled for his hand
he looked at me with crystal blues
they were surprised but hopeful
i pulled him away from the multitude of conversations
the sun sprinkling fairy dust through the trees
summer is on the horizon, i know nothing can really happen
but i just want to be here with him for this moment
we tucked ourselves behind some trees
on a soft bed of grass
secluded
we could've been alone in a forest
sat there in calm silence
until he whispered timidly
"i wish i could've gotten to know you better"
i replied softly "i know, me too"

lately i've been overwhelmed
bathing in the idea of potential
i exist in my head
and i live in my dreams.
i feel your smile on my neck
and your whisper makes me shiver
music that travels up my spine
and buzzes through my limbs
but it isn't real yet
your glow breaks through everything i see
and i'm floating on a crystal current
i want so much and i see it all
but i'm trapped
i'm unable to move
i'm forced to sit here and pretend
to hope
i can't wait
but i'm also afraid

your eyes are so stunning
there are times when they widen
and for a moment they become the center of my world
i don't know how to avoid their pull
how can i look away
when you've given me a glimpse of your soul
i'm drowning in the blue
but i'll never call out for anyone else

Your eyes delight me
entice me
I want to dip and bloom
in soft blue lagoons
but as I lay next to you
my body is stone
every movement I've seen
play out in my dreams
a simple word from my lips
head moving closer to rest
in the boat of your chest
but I'm frozen
this duvet an ocean
alone each night
I bathe with delicate hands
and tonight in the moonlight
you're here with me
for a midnight swim
I want you to read my face
and see that I'm drowning
please kiss me
and be patient

Lately
I can't fall asleep
because I can hear each heartbeat
pounding in my head
I want to touch
I want to be touched
I just want someone
to trace, place, hold
finger to lip, hand to face
playing with hair
caressing shoulders and neck
breathing in scent
charting each surface
finding a way to come close to another
as deeply and physically possible
using every sense the body has to offer
each one a method of communication
simpler than words

i am a doll
i want to be adored
i am a flower bud
i want to open up
i am a glittering star
i want to be watched
i am a glass of sweet tea
i want to be savored
i am a potential poem
i want to be written

-kk

Mellow yellow
sitting softly
on the palette.
Waiting to be used.
Hoping someday,
to be the masterpiece
in the hall.

-kk