He once kissed me on my forehead,
A kiss that I know won't last.
He once held my waist when he tightly hugged me,
The best feeling yet he loosened me so fast.

Unmutual feelings filled the empty room,
He was staring right into my brown eyes.
T'was a birth of chance yet also a doom,
My heart is in agony and it cries.

I should have never hope for more,
But it was everything I asked before.
Yet, I hold on and I am sorry if I did,
Even though I know it was the kind of love
That the moon will never forbid.

The long wait is over. The big fish is finally in my hands. It is not really something worth for a cry but it isn't also something worth for laughter. It is something that brings peace in my mind, a moment of solitude. That big fish is an acceptance - a reality. The only reality that makes my heart heavy but at the same time, halfhearted.

How can be something brought you silently in pathos and in equal time, brutally in felicity?

I dared to dream about hoping for more. I dared to dream for a bigger picture of us. I dared to dream of having you beside me. I dared to dream for everything for us. But I did not dare to dream for a reality, all I dream was an exaggeration of my own fantasy.

Now, I don't want to know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming that way, cause this reality and pain is enough. Or maybe for now it isn't, but I hope it is.

So then I asked, "why does one's heart beat faster for one but behave normally for the rest?"

I still care too much for a shadow that had once loved me.

Her brown eyes and long lashes makes the scene perfect as she blankly stare the air, it's as if she's staring the eyes of her lover.

But her lover wasn't there. She is just staring a blank dead air. She then throw her gaze at me and a tear had fallen.

I sit in front of her.

"How are you?", I asked. Her mouth is shut so she prefers to answer me with another tear.

She must be really terribly broken. Being brokenhearted is not new to her. She already had bad experiences in love but, this pretty worst.

I noticed her new haircut and new hair color. I noticed how she carelessly put her blush on and lipstick. I noticed the thick books she brought with her, desperate in putting herself in the world of thoughts of the authors. I noticed how she terribly dressed herself. I noticed her cheekbones and her swollen eyes.

She looks so terrible but a new one-a new version of herself. But her silence and her mourning brown eyes say it all-that she is not new, just a terrible version of herself.

Maybe she had come to think that if she doesn't look like the girl who fall in love with him, maybe she wouldn't feel the same way like that girl.

But she's wrong. Her state right now is a realization that she can't change her heart nor can fool it. She can't easily erase her feelings for him nor can forget it. So she will still end up-the girl who hopelessly fall in love with her lover.

I can never escaped a hundred of bullets of pain, a 175000 lbs-rocket ship of tears, a 3-tank of long nights and a hydrogen bomb of memories, I said to myself in the mirror.

So I’m gonna let them hit me one at a time and, at all cost, I will savor each ache and bruise. In this way, I will heal.

Because this is the beauty of pain and this is how I define love.