I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.

never
ever
let someone make you feel bad
or upset
over a choice that makes you happy
and feel free

And when you fall down
I’ll be there to pick you up
No matter the odds

i know whats holding me back
i know the problem and i know the solution
the past is the fog thats blocking my vision of the now
a constant reminisce of the “good ol’ days” stops me from making new memories
insecurity is the clamp that keeps my mouth shut
stitches of paranoid possibilities weave my lips together inseparably
hope keeps my eyes open but doesn’t let me act
like im watching the blank tv, expecting it to turn on on its own
and the remote is in arm’s reach but anxiety is keeping me tied to the chair
depression are the handcuffs that force me to stay in bed
everlastingly napping because there’s nothing else i can do

i know the problem and i know the solution
i need to clear the air of being stuck in the past
i need to release and relax
i need to act and watch and learn
i need to get the key, it feels so far away but im sure i could reach if i just
tried

i don’t like how fast time flies.
one moment you have somebody
and the next you find yourself
reminiscing over moments that
went by so quickly they appeared
to not even be there at all.

was it like that with me for you?
was i just a fragment of a second
in your entire lifetime?
was i somebody that was out of focus
in an already blurry world?
remember the image of me,
even if that image is one
you cannot remember.
even if it is one you try to distort
at night, and clear your head of.

and now look at where we are.
once intertwined,
we stand separately and
watch the years go by.
it seemed like yesterday that i
was in your arms, and you
had still loved me the way
you say you never did, now.
our wounds are not masked by the time.
no matter how much we try to
hide and heal them,
we both are aware of the chaos we have
caused each other.
and we both do nothing about it.
all we do is let the countless minutes
take over us as we wish things didn’t
turn out the way it did.

i don’t like how fast time flies.
because i have lost memories with you
to the tide of seconds in between us.
i drown in remorse as you create new ones.
and i can only question;
does the time tick away anxiously for you too?

sometimes the walls
peel down    
in tears and metal
as the floodgates
               open wide
as the soul is bared,
raw,
              exposed
softly humming
its release of pride
heartbeats strong
head up high
queenly stance
bearing storms
ready for the battle
taking form
yet holding on tight
to solace's reins
praying to heaven
for grace in the strain
for soon the cry
                  to action
will fall upon this
           tender land
all that exists
washed away in
        a whirlwind
of sand    
in the distance
a lightflare
a whipping up of womb
a time for victory's place
in this tempest monsoon
and within my skin
in the flight of
               my freeze  
my pain opens up
and allows
me
          to
               breathe