Would he look at me the same way, if he knew how desperately I've wanted rip through my veins at times ?

To claw out physically,
Forcefully,
The tendons between muscle and skin.
Cut off the joint or limb.

If only just to end the tick,

The twitch.

The lack of control.

Sever,
My connection to world.
Taste, touch, sound and sight.

I'm rotting,
From the inside out.
I'm going to collapse under my own weight.

I'm rotting,
From the inside out.

No amount of love is ever going to save me.

I want to take the blade to my wrists
And my legs
And my thighs
But I know it won't help
Because this hurts more than that would

I want to get wasted
Drink until I pass out
Or throw up all of this emotion
Maybe then I won't feel this pain
But I know that won't help
Because once it wears off I'll feel even worse

I want to get ****** out of my mind
To get as high as possible until these feelings can't touch me
But that will not help
Because the past few times I've smoked
It's only made me more in tune with my anger
Releasing all of the adrenaline into my system
Until I can't even look at you

I want to die
Because that's the only way out of this
I feel like I can't leave you
But I don't know if I can stay either
And if I'm dead I won't feel anything
I won't have to breathe
When each inhale fuels the anger in me
I won't have to think
All of the thoughts that are consuming me
I won't have anything
I won't be anything
And since I feel that anyways
What's the point of this?

Death's arms trying to pull me in,
A sweet whisper of a better life.

An encouraging push,
come join us.

Oh, how I long to.
On the verge of leaving it all behind.

Do I dare to let go?

I was under the notion
That I could use you
To tape together
My broken pieces

I was under the impression
That I could use you
To sew
My heart back together

But all of that
Is a dim illusion
Because I'm still
As broken as before

~~~~~~II~~~~~~

I tried to fill up
All the holes in my heart
With you
But you don't fit

I feel like I'm looking in
And watching us kiss
I'm not in the moment
I'm somewhere else

I tried I really did
To love you
And make this work
But I'm still broken

Your gaze
(So brief)
Into my eyes
And then away
Only to never
Acknowledge
Me again.

Our past
(It's over, no more)
Ablaze in flames
Did that contact
Albeit, brief
Burn you
Like it burned me?

I'm not going to lie
(I'm scarred)
It hurt
I'm hurt
I liked us
And I thought you did too

Two years ago you loved me
Now you love her
And I love you
I always have
I always will
Two years didn't get rid of it
Other men didn't get rid of it
It's always there
In the back of my mind
The boy that became a man
The one I grew to love
And I loved you fiercely
Though I know I never
Expressed it well
And was afraid of many things
That part was real and unwavering
Three long years
That turned into ash and dust
Because I let you down
Failed to make you realize
My love was there
And it was strong
So strong that every time
I forgot why I was angry with you
And just wanted to hear from you
So strong that to this day
You are still my greatest love
But I guess none of that matters now
You moved on and found someone else
It's been two long years
Without you in my life
I wish I had never pushed you out
And I know that I sound crazy
That's fine
I think I took some of yours
Somewhere along the way
Don't mind my words too much
I'm just a little unsteady lately
A bit of a wreck
Can't take me seriously
Emotions going in every direction
Body telling me that I'm sick
Though it's only my mind in ruins
Right
Here I go again getting off track
I can't say that I'm happy for you
Because I'm not
I wish things were different
I wish that woman was me
I'm not happy that you found someone
To replace me so quickly
I'm not happy that you're going
To spend the rest of your life
Making someone else happy
But I am happy for your happiness
You deserve it