How did we get here?  We were happy once,
before the rumors and the prying eyes, before the guilt.
Is that why you ran?  Our friendship bloomed into something more
Now you have snuck away, like a thief in the night

Your silence fills the void between us, suffocating me
I know that you feel it to but always act so nonchalant,
as if you never left, never told me that I was overwhelming you
Was I really that bad?  Were all those sweet words just lies?

Now I don't know what to do around you, I can't hide my pain
or anger at the gaping hole in my life that your absence has left
******* you.  You said that I was the voice in your head those times,
the one that stopped you from doing it, made you put down the blade

So what am I to you now?  How can you give up me/US so easily?  
Dispose of me like the others in your past--you said that I would never
be one of your mistakes, the ones you try to forget.  My heart is strong,
stronger than your words that night, stronger than the walls you punch
when you're mad, stronger than that boxcutter under your bed

You say people never change--I say that you refuse to see the change
that we made in each other.  Refuse to accept that it can be better, that
people are far from perfect, but they can always strive for that pure moment,
like a runner practically hurling himself across the tape at the finish line.

I'm trying to learn to let you go, accept that you can't be anything to me,
with me, anymore.  Maybe it's just me, and I know that I have my faults.
But it's also you, and your inability to let yourself be loved, to busy dwelling
in the past to accept a happy present, or a promising future.

What is this dance we do?

How did your tender caress turn to such a cold and empty glance?
Was it is that you truly feel when all you tell me is fine?

I’m not fine.  I miss you.  The sound of your voice,
It once leapt for me, now it’s flat and hollow
Your touch, at once both innocent and naughty,
Now you recoil from me, as if my touch burns you.

You burnt me, just not how you think,
Do you feel nothing anymore, was it too much for you?
Too quick?  You always said that you only hurt those around you,
That you never wanted anyone to get close, it cut you, and you bore
Those cuts with pride, laughed as you joked about the pills and the *****.

I thought you’d see that in me there was a respite from the pain
Pain we both have shared, you let me be me, showed me that there
Was hope and joy in this world.  I helped you to let out some of the
Darkness that you kept, that you held so tight, that you deserved to be
happy.  We had a brief time in heaven, and now I’m in hell.

Can’t you see through my forced smile, my pained laugh, to the
Hurt and fear that is all that is left of a heart discarded so quickly.  
You Say it isn’t easy for you, but you hide it so well.  
All I know the ocean of Anguish that is my world without you in it.  

I long for your touch, your laugh, your smile.  I don’t want to go back
The gray world of what we had before, the little lies, the half-truths
Hiding what was Really going on in our lives.  

You told me of how much you miss him, can’t go a day without hearing
From him—do you remember when you said that to me?  But now you
Say it with love, with care and concern.  With me, it was like a curse,
Angry at yourself for feeling that way about anyone.  Did you see the
flash of pain in my eyes when you said that?  Hear the sudden intake of
Breath, notice the tightness in my chest, the ache in my core for someone
who I’ll never have again?  Did you see my soul die a little more that day?

Now we just go through the motions, I play the happy clown, you the old friend
Shadows of what we once were - bit actors in a pathetic play, who would pay to
See this two-bit drama?

I'm afraid that it's not just a habit* you confessed
that it had become a compulsion.
For when it all becomes too much
that thin blade and your skin become one

you were so embarrased to tell me
hated giving away your secrets even then
I was so uneasy--I'd already know for so long
those little white lines bespoke your troubled mind

Like I could miss it--your arms crisscrossed, a map of self-hurt
I came to know the signs- your frown, the twitching in your seat
the discomfort, the silence, you were already planning the when,
the where, the number of times, the sacrificial amount required for peace

you tried to hide it--just go over the same cut you explained
the scars make it harder, but it's less marks in the end.
You could be a surgeon with your skills, your steady hand
bleeding out the pain, the anger, the unhappiness you harbored

Now that you have left, are you still there in that dark room,
blade in hand, fighting back the tears and letting that pained joy fill you
as each crimson drop runs down your leg?

I stand here while you smile at me with your cold, perfect smile, acting like nothing is wrong.  
As if the most natural thing in the world is shutting out someone you supposedly care about so completely.  
I’m happier without you in my life you said.  
So why are you here now, playing at pretense?  

Smiling with the same eyes that barely even glanced my way while you peeled me apart,
layer by layer, cutting me to the core with the coldness blade of apathy and rejection.  
I would rather have suffered under the brunt of your anger, heard your reasons
instead of breaking myself against the wall of silence you built around yourself..  

You aren’t so naïve as to think nothing mattered, when you saw every word slam home.  
You said it look like you had just taken away my puppy.  No, something much more dear to me.  
My heart, giftwrapped for you in a shiny new bow, along with my fears, and pain, and loneliness, and a
lifetime's worth of freshly salted tears.  
I hope you enjoyed your feast.  

So why are you here now?  What is it you want from me that I didn’t already give,
only to have you throw it back in my face?  
You test me, as if to see if I can hold up under the strain of having you close, but yet not able to touch, to tell you what I really feel.  
Because we both know you don’t like my honest side, the reality of us is too much for you,
when all you wanted was to escape your life through pleasant subterfuge.  

Do you really think I want to hear how you and he are doing?  your wonderful plans for the future?
Or about how to still stay in touch with your last girlfriend, the one you never really ever let go?  
What is the goal of this twisted game you play?  
I see now what you really wanted to do was hide from yourself.  
I was your crutch-now that you can walk again I get put in the closet, until the next time you fall.
I was, and could have been, so much more but you weren’t ready for that.  
So we’re back to the beginning, even though it feels much more like prolonging the ending.  
A humorless punchline to the joke that our relationship turned into, and that’s not worth my time.

How can someone pack some much anger into just a few short sentences?
You finally say what you've been hiding--you're happier feeling lost and out of control
not having anyone, least of all ME, to answer to.  You needed distance
to hide from everyone, ME again, and once again feel like you.

It has been so long, and you come out of your corner, ready to fight, but you know
I'm a pacifist, and I just took your punches, toothless, ******, bruised.  
I let you slide your glinting knives into my heart, let you fillet the remnants of my soul
and serve them to me cold.  
You never needed me, that much was clear, but at least you WANTED me.

Now that is all gone and what am I left here with?  These feelings that you don't care
about anymore, this broken shell of a man who cared so much for you.
And you just threw me away.....said you're happier with the chaos and the voices
then someone who freely offered a shoulder, a smile, an ear, a friendship, a heart.

I will always cherish the time that we had, and will one day, some day, be able to
open my heart again to someone else.  But you took a piece of it today that I'll never
get back.  I'll always have that hole to remember you by.  I think of you every day, when
I wake up, when i go to sleep, in the quiet moments of the day.  

I try to swallow this lump in my throat, pray that this constant ache in my chest starts
to finally fade, that the ache in my center will taper off.  When will I be able to smile,
laugh again, feel joy when my world has crashed down upon me?  She made me feel
and now I just wish i could stop feeling at all.

I once had a friend call me for help with homework,
it was nothing new, I'd practically done half her BA for her
I enjoy school when helping others, but hate going myself
I suppose that I could say there's little I do just for me

She needed questions answered for sociology or something
favorite color, favorite season--finally "what defines life?"--
Pain I answered.  I already had a couple drinks that morning
I always give the straight answer at that point, no filters left

Pain? Oh, that was a good answer she said, it means you're smart
I just laughed and laughed.  Pain doesn't make you intelligent
it just means you've learned from experience that most things,
and especially people, will hurt you if you let them.

I've thought of that more and more recently, as I come upon the 1st
anniversary of my mother's death.  She died before her time, but I
think she just gave up by that point- too much pain, too much regret
to think that another day would be any better than the last

I've lost two great people in my life this year.  My mom, and R,
who I had opened up to more than anyone else in my life.  All my insecurity,
doubt, pain, happiness, secrets, anguish, fears, the time I tried to end it all.  
How can you give all that to someone and they just take it, smile and move on?

Now we just share pleasantries in passing and live this lie of still being friends
but also so much more.  As if we still have some type of connection
when it's obvious that she has moved on, leaving me here alone.

I have to learn to let it go, leave these constant feelings of sadness and rejection
by the wayside, but I can't.  Langston Hughes said "I'm laughing to keep from dying"
That's what I'm doing, smiling to everyone on the outside to hide the darkness within
but it's so tiring, so draining to make it easy for them to see what they want.    
I've got nowhere to run, no place to hide, no way to get away--that's why I'm here-
writing for those I no longer think of as strangers, as she slips away silently in the night

I want to thank you.  Thank you being part of my life and letting me be a part of yours.  I’d like to think I am someone special to you, that you’ll always remember me, that the ghost of a smile will curl your lips with the thought of my dumb jokes, or the “my fault” box getting checked, or my constant amazement at your sense of direction.  You made me feel very special and I’ll always cherish the times that we spent, the laughter, the talks, even the tears because they were honest and you helped me to not be afraid of my emotions.  I’m not sure that I ever properly expressed to you in my own clumsy way, just how much you mean to me and how thankful I am for you.  I hope that in some way I was able to return the many favors, both big and small, that you did me.  They meant the world to me, to have someone actually there who cared, who was in my corner when it felt as if the whole world was turned upside down and everything/everyone was against me.  I’m sorry for any hurt that I caused you, that was never my intent and I apologize.  I wish things had gone differently these last few months, that you hadn’t felt the need to stay away.  It hurt me, and I think you felt the pain of it as well.  I don’t know if I’ll ever see or hear from you again and that’s why I’m writing this.  In spite of it all I don’t regret our time, just the fact that it went by so quickly.  Thank you, I’ll miss you and always harbor a place for you in my heart, hoping that you are happy and living the life that you so richly deserve, one with laughter, and travel, and joy, and happiness, and adventure, and romance.  I hope that you find what I couldn’t give you and that you make the very most of every moment.