I want to thank you.  Thank you being part of my life and letting me be a part of yours.  I’d like to think I am someone special to you, that you’ll always remember me, that the ghost of a smile will curl your lips with the thought of my dumb jokes, or the “my fault” box getting checked, or my constant amazement at your sense of direction.  You made me feel very special and I’ll always cherish the times that we spent, the laughter, the talks, even the tears because they were honest and you helped me to not be afraid of my emotions.  I’m not sure that I ever properly expressed to you in my own clumsy way, just how much you mean to me and how thankful I am for you.  I hope that in some way I was able to return the many favors, both big and small, that you did me.  They meant the world to me, to have someone actually there who cared, who was in my corner when it felt as if the whole world was turned upside down and everything/everyone was against me.  I’m sorry for any hurt that I caused you, that was never my intent and I apologize.  I wish things had gone differently these last few months, that you hadn’t felt the need to stay away.  It hurt me, and I think you felt the pain of it as well.  I don’t know if I’ll ever see or hear from you again and that’s why I’m writing this.  In spite of it all I don’t regret our time, just the fact that it went by so quickly.  Thank you, I’ll miss you and always harbor a place for you in my heart, hoping that you are happy and living the life that you so richly deserve, one with laughter, and travel, and joy, and happiness, and adventure, and romance.  I hope that you find what I couldn’t give you and that you make the very most of every moment.

I stand here while you smile at me with your cold, perfect smile, acting like nothing is wrong.  
As if the most natural thing in the world is shutting out someone you supposedly care about so completely.  
I’m happier without you in my life you said.  
So why are you here now, playing at pretense?  

Smiling with the same eyes that barely even glanced my way while you peeled me apart,
layer by layer, cutting me to the core with the coldness blade of apathy and rejection.  
I would rather have suffered under the brunt of your anger, heard your reasons
instead of breaking myself against the wall of silence you built around yourself..  

You aren’t so naïve as to think nothing mattered, when you saw every word slam home.  
You said it look like you had just taken away my puppy.  No, something much more dear to me.  
My heart, giftwrapped for you in a shiny new bow, along with my fears, and pain, and loneliness, and a
lifetime's worth of freshly salted tears.  
I hope you enjoyed your feast.  

So why are you here now?  What is it you want from me that I didn’t already give,
only to have you throw it back in my face?  
You test me, as if to see if I can hold up under the strain of having you close, but yet not able to touch, to tell you what I really feel.  
Because we both know you don’t like my honest side, the reality of us is too much for you,
when all you wanted was to escape your life through pleasant subterfuge.  

Do you really think I want to hear how you and he are doing?  your wonderful plans for the future?
Or about how to still stay in touch with your last girlfriend, the one you never really ever let go?  
What is the goal of this twisted game you play?  
I see now what you really wanted to do was hide from yourself.  
I was your crutch-now that you can walk again I get put in the closet, until the next time you fall.
I was, and could have been, so much more but you weren’t ready for that.  
So we’re back to the beginning, even though it feels much more like prolonging the ending.  
A humorless punchline to the joke that our relationship turned into, and that’s not worth my time.

I'm afraid that it's not just a habit* you confessed
that it had become a compulsion.
For when it all becomes too much
that thin blade and your skin become one

you were so embarrased to tell me
hated giving away your secrets even then
I was so uneasy--I'd already know for so long
those little white lines bespoke your troubled mind

Like I could miss it--your arms crisscrossed, a map of self-hurt
I came to know the signs- your frown, the twitching in your seat
the discomfort, the silence, you were already planning the when,
the where, the number of times, the sacrificial amount required for peace

you tried to hide it--just go over the same cut you explained
the scars make it harder, but it's less marks in the end.
You could be a surgeon with your skills, your steady hand
bleeding out the pain, the anger, the unhappiness you harbored

Now that you have left, are you still there in that dark room,
blade in hand, fighting back the tears and letting that pained joy fill you
as each crimson drop runs down your leg?

If I could have your arms tonight—
But half the world and the broken sea
Lie between you and me.

The autumn rain reverberates in the courtyard,
Beating all night against the barren stone,
The sound of useless rain in the desolate courtyard
Makes me more alone.

If you were here, if you were only here—
My blood cries out to you all night in vain
As sleepless as the rain.