happy birthday, sylvia plath
i'm writing you a birthday letter
because nobody does it enough anymore

i studied your book once and
had a horrifying vision
that i would be rejected
and i would forget language and words and
i wouldn't write anymore
like you i suffered to breathe
i suffered to watch and i
found comfort in *****
i couldn't drink it neat like you did
i could fall asleep
but you didn't

your pain pained me
and i wondered what you'd think of
my writing
if we'd swap poems and

but we couldn't
i suffered rejection too
and for a while the words wouldn't come
i slept more and ate less
i smoked more and spoke less
but i found the words again
taught myself from reading dictionaries of loss
and though my bad habits remained
i felt ever so slightly more like me
and less like you

i got better
i wish you did too

is there and end or
is there an ending?
something subtle
something cool
something blue
and don't forget the wedding dress
and the horses
and the horses
and the merry merry men
and all of their wives
in pink
topped hats and hands on their
waists, they had wasp-like waists
and they didn't eat a thing
the insects, crawled and stung
with their beetle jaws
on my skin
and you stood there with your
graceless eyes
and bracelet teeth
and wondered
is there an end
or an ending
?

you are a giant
for me to climb over
i would climb, but
my spirit's broken, see.
so i crawl instead
over your legs,
you don't even mind
that i claw at your skin
sneaking glances
at the giant within.
when i make it to your thigh
i'm parched, so dry,
scared i'll disintegrate
and float away.
i push on, to your pelvis.
i made a camp on your hipbone,
licking what moisture i could find there.
you didn't mind when i set up my tent
made of ash and birch bark
i fell asleep for hours, awoke
with new zest
i skipped up your spine
until i tripped and you split,
exposing the marrow that tasted like wine.
i patched you up as best i could
then embarrassed, hurried on.
i played hopscotch on your ribcage
and got stuck there for days
until i was scared you were bored
and would wish me away.
i spent time
rubbing your shoulders
with my footsteps
as if to soothe you, because
i couldn't hold you.
i took a brisk walk up your neck
then stopped to stare
at your ascending jawline.
i thought of taking a strip of your tongue
and hanging myself there
from your chin.
but that's when you moved-
picked me up
and stored me in your cheek
and i learnt to nestle between your teeth
and treat you not like a giant
but like my home.
though, you forced me
to stand in front of the mirror
and say 'i love you'
thirty times a day.
telling me what to do.
forcing me to tell me,
and not you.

come closer, boy
taste yourself in my veins
come closer, boy
to the edge, hold my reins
hold my throat
in your fist
a damaged soul
colouring those lips i kissed

come closer, boy
close your eyes close your eyes close those
******* eyes
you can only see me in the half light
come closer, boy
only when you're lonely at night
i'll take it upon myself to leave you

gasping for breath
weak, and undressed
until you call me closer
closer and closer still
with your blue eyes
those ******* eyes
and you read me
your writing

so perfect,
come closer you say
to whisper the prose in my ear
i have to come closer still
to hear the murmurs
of your poetry
while you stroke my thigh and
call me pretty
come closer, boy
and then its me that's weak

you can be that tortured soul as much as you wish
dreaming of her and passing the cigarette to me
she can be your lover, your midnight dreams
she could be your everything, she could be your queen
but she's not here
it's just me
right by your side
boneless with fear

i want to peel the petals
of your skin
show me what you're made of
are there flowers in heaven?
you bloom with the precision
of an all-bared soul
let me be your fool
show me what you're made of
under the light of dusk
show me that grim smile
let me press your lips apart
with mine
touch your teeth
against mine
let me crush your breath
in the grip of my whole,
bare fool
O

you are a beauty
darling
show me what you're made of
show me your rose-petal heart

don't you dare sneer
and walk away from me
as if we meant nothing
as if i were nothing
to you

you were a planet
to me
now you are dust

how dare you call my poetry dust
how dare you brush away my love
like dust

i missed that
tiny white pill
it stops
me from chattering.
i tremble without it
buzzing.

you might
perceive me
as still
but i am erratic.
shivering.
tiny white pill
stopping the

wide eyed
teary
expression.

it keeps me
kissing you
it keeps me
sane.
it lets me dance

but you
make me sing.

are you
a tiny
white pill?

instead of a hearty declaration of love
i simply whispered, ‘oh, ****’

and you realised you’d never be rid of me
and now i sleep with a faint smile on my lips
and love bites tracing my hips