No line is clearly recognizable

Two sides to this mind; I know.

I am; am not the innocent, or to blame

We are taught what has been wrought

Our pixel washed minds; all have to be special

Pretend we decide; want to highlight struggles

Fight is all that comes from each needing to be seen as special.

My eyes open to the state of my being
When did my ability to decide
Fall broken it's little pieces tinkling down
I have given up most of my reasons to stop
Protected the only bad thing at the cost of so much.  
My mood falls to look back up at me
The way I was and I recognize how badly
I need to be the one that I gave away

Vividly the dream is playing
I am an actor as well as witness
As the pursuit unfolds in confusing
Scene after scene as dread closes in.
If do not wake, or wait to see the end
I hear my conscious saying
I may never wake again.  
So I will myself to the here and now
Bolting up to opening eyes
That dart and survey surroundings
Drinking in the painful light
I am safe, it was a dream
Though the sense of foreboding
Lingers all that day.
Am I safe?  
Afraid to sleep and slip beneath
As what waits is waiting
Am I safe?

Here it lays since
Fixed still a fixture
Every day that followed
The hand that wielded
Let such prize slip
Lifeless and defeated
To rest outside ages
And indeed ages passed
A single crack telling
One timid ray that crept
Marking the days
As seasons came and went
Layered in the settled dust
And destined to this tomb
The end to the era of promise
The death of magic

I
  MOVE
             TO
                 KNOW
                              THE
                                      POI
                                           N
                                            T

                                            I

                                            W
                                             I
                                             L
                                             L

                                            NOT

I am not here
This is not me
I am more than what
This innocent
only temporary
I need not usher in
All will come clear
As I transend
Not before then

This silk heart done
From just this one line
Strung all throughout
Twisted are these precious
In amazement as the locks click
Now we shall weave
Undisturbed here
Such is as this wished
For having now  and
Soft is this wonderous thing

I don't need to view as they do.
For they are as giants
My measure is less and
I am alright with this.
I'm a work in progress
To become more yet.

Yet.

What?
Does an affirmation
In itself take?

So much more.

More than offered here?
Thousands?

Words poured.

In better ways than mine?
To take the need away.

Take these things.

Take so much to take
What little I fail to say.

This light I spin my world around
This day and night type design
The warmth cast upon from above
How completely the heavens hold
Every once around I get, a blessing,
a gift like dawn coming to set again
As brilliant and perfect each is
I am amazed and insignificant
Simply along for but a brief tick
But in love and humbled to witness
Our place in the heavens
This embrace of sol

Never had it that way...

Never felt that side of leaving.

Haven't heard pain,

pleading for me to please, please not leave...

Baby please stay...

Haven't made the choice to stop feeling...

On the other side of leaving

its always been me on the damaged end

Not to be, must be something.

Or is it more difficult?

How would I explain?

When I don't fully understand...

Hearts change?

Could I let you down just to walk away?

All while knowing...

Having myself felt that pain,..

I've never had it that way.

The other side of leaving

It is in the days of eager tastes of everything
The peculiar perspectives of knowing less than not knowing assuming that you did.
When attempts at being valid came coupled with often hindsight harsh clarity.
No longer a child, limboed outside of the person you would one day become.  
When each mistake, taught to one of that one had sense enough to listen.
Often it was the first immersion into love, and lusts fueled by the awkward beauty of changes each must go through. You liked her and she liked you.  The dance of nerves and firsts that introduced amazing and intimately discovered trusts, betrayals, love and consequences very real and some life changing.  Love when so young, so fresh and near sighted, allows the best and worst of any who try it. But long after those lessons are lost to the cadence of life song. Those memories stay rooted firmly and come to thought in vivid clarity.  For me, I see her as she was. I smile at the promises only youth can dream up.  Wonder if only, to some.  What if to plenty.  How might I have done or said, to one's I never did say, or acted in honest declaration.  They were all I wanted but I did not tell them. The ones that got away will be the ones I miss most.  Thoughts on a page.

My red face in my hands
Pride dropped lack of nothing
Save relaxation or doubt
Any kind, brings folly

I no longer practice
Too easy to hide from eyes
That shift, dialog broadcast
With no words from lie laden lips
Troubled smiles please end it
One more bump of judgment
To bring down the guilt upon
Beneath the avalanche finally
Smiling at my luck in fact
Free of the mess of existence
This state that is...
Hoarding
T

Eyes may seek throughout a thousand lifetimes

To find upon the very definition of light

Magenta, through to the blue, green red even yellow

Stretching ground to ground too far away to touch

So bright and a sight

But that gift of that trick of light dies the moment one's angle becomes skewed

Rainbows Die too.

Melancholy Me,
even when in treatment.
Hit like do the waves against the cliffs face.  
Almost myself,
the inkling concept whispering
Almost.  Almost.
self inflicted, taste familiar

My own sick habit, or need unwanted
why I force myself,
to the place,
below, inside to the embrace
weak, true to my form

Knowing only this way.
that facet, the path that
leads me, calls me irresistably
Pulling to melancholy

Down, deep, worn
to my misery never earned
in the torment undeserved.  

Why?
When almost. Almost.
normal and Me.
Trying
Trying.

At a glance and without knowing
I contribute more of this mind.

Sincerely hoping not to flounder out
Into another wasted moments of others

To be judged and found unworthy
One line, two thoughts three at most

Here it is folks,
Another failed attempt.

In the fall,

All is first one way


To turn, dry out

Destined to the breeze

Cold down from that

Introspective hell
Of knowing not matching my
Self appraisal

I want and try so completely
This time to write, to weave
These wishes limited by
words, my words.
hard chosen.
Praying that they will
Fall and wrap lovingly, comfortably,
Forever, and always, around you
As if,.. To be your very own,
Most bestest, favorite blanket.
That they blanket you safe.
And, away.

From the perspective
Eyes like mine
Have come to view...
You.

No longer so nice
Not innocent
Only goodbyes

From the used to
Hold,..
The last, Newest and greatest.

I, when not in motion
Dread being caught in such state
For it is then that my words
And stagnant truths
Do so collect around me
Reminding, all my thoughts
Passed attempts do pool
All progress seems useless
As the lack of purpose continues

Do these waters grow thicker
Efforts then slow as I thrash about
Desperately in search of distraction
As my means of moving on.
Repressed as this is I know
It saves me from drowning
Beneath these pools
my thoughts and closure
Being without you

Doubts weave so easily
Wading into unknown
Ways of doing something new
The weight of others faith
What if misplaced
Terrifying scenes of failing
Weaknesses in me haunting
To do my best is all I do
I am trying and always aware
The consequences of finding
My best as it is found wanting
I am afraid and I
Must keep on trying.  
No other choice have I
I will do.  I will continue
Trying.

Every way, each day
I am present to see it.
His miracle of being
I the recipient his gift
Awestruck, humbled, blessed
This I understand completely
Though I know not how, or why
I.  This man I still learn to know
As myself, of my self,
Admit having witness his growing
In great measure do I envy him
See his approach at living, being
embodying the kindest soul,
Naturally thoughtful and caring
How he is, has become
A lesson that I do learn from
My little legacy, so far beyond
better than from which he comes
I worry for him as fathers must
But not of him, of life's unexpected
always haunting every person
just out of foretelling, behind any horizon
For this treasure of my life I know
No doubt, to be a person of light
Wits, genuine smiles, listening and learning
His my Son, He is my Hero
I am out done, and yet,
ever the more thankful.
Blessed by You Zieven Lee.
Thank You.  More than you'll ever know.

Who?  Will You?
Comments will guide
Yours? My own.
No more tonight
shall I write alone

Collaborate any direction
as few or as many as creativity condones
So I plead for random acts
Of kindness being a collaboration

Who might answer?  You?
I hope, and I wait... Comment below
Lets create and together tonight
Know for one night,
we were not alone...